Resistance

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk, down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in

I am lost…. I am helpless

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again

I can’t believe I am in the same place but, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.’

I still fall in…. it’s a habit, my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

This poem was given to me by my therapist. It is part of a document he received while in school. It really hits the nail on the head for me. Lately, I feel like there are aspects of my life where I have finally learned to walk down another street, others I fall right back into that same deep hole. However, I manage to keep on walking, head held high and a little more aware of my surroundings.

My favorite song is “The Girl from Ipanema”, I’m certain you know it, it is one of the most recorded songs by a wide variety of musicians. The theme of the song is that she does not see the young man smiling at her in adoration and she keeps on walking, never realizing that he loves her. I could not have picked a more perfect song to represent the story of my life. Too many times, I have not seen what was plainly right in front of my face. Or more aptly put, what I may possibly chose not to see.

I didn’t see the grade school crushes that I found out existed decades after the fact. I didn’t see that I was bullying a man to marry me that I knew would lead me to heartache simply because I was on a mission to be married with children. I didn’t see that he had chosen drugs and a mistress over his wife and children. I didn’t see that I was continuing to follow this same pattern of falling for narcissistic men, just like my father. And most recently, I didn’t see that I was trying to have a committed relationship with a narcissistic sociopath who would lie to me to such a degree, that almost a year later, I am still finding myself with a dropped jaw when I have moments of clarity of what may possibly be the truth about what happened to me.

The stories I have about the internet dating world, chapters and chapters of empty promises and con games, but along the way, I did have some fun and many lessons were learned. But, here’s the thing, I kept going back for more, with a hope that somehow, someway, this one would be different. I simply refuse to give up on the idea of finding someone who will love me, flaws and all and will allow me in. That is one common thread with all the games and empty relationships I have experienced, I was always kept at arm’s length. No matter how loving and attentive I would be, I always felt like I existed only on the fringes of their lives, never allowed into the inner circle.

It’s a dance of sorts, one where we are touching, but at a respectable distance. There is a connection, a passion, but never a melding. The dance can be fast paced, energetic and fun or slow and smoldering hot, but never more than skin deep. Why is that? Is it the type of men I fall for (the narcissist) or is it me? Most likely a combination of the two, but I am determined to figure out this puzzle. There is an answer, I’m sure of it…maybe not, but I know it’s worth the effort.

#thelieswechoosetolivewith