Starting over…again.

It was around 4 am when he left. My head was spinning and odds are, I was in shock. I called my dear friend and due to the nature of our relationship, she answered the phone. I told her what had happened and asked if even though I was exhausted, I should probably start changing all the passwords to my internet accounts, right? She agreed and being the good solider that I am, I got to work. It was mind numbing, but I got it done and I collapsed for a few hours before going to work.

I knew that I looked horrible and that my behavior would be erratic, so I chose to tell my co-workers what happened so they wouldn’t worry about me. Even more so, I instructed them to tell me to go to my office if I was not behaving properly in the store. My world had been blown to bits, but the show must go on. There’s work to be done, there are bills to be paid, that’s just how I was raised. I could hear my father’s voice telling me to quit my crying, there’s work to be done, just like he did when my future ex-husband had been arrested and was in jail with his girlfriend.

My father…my father…thank god my father was not alive to see this happen…again. Unlike my ex-husband, my father adored “the pilot”. My father eventually forgot my name, but never his. During his dwindling lucid moments, my father had told me that he was proud of me and that he was proud of us being a couple. How ironic, my father who had been a compulsive liar gave his blessings to me being with a world champion liar and didn’t even know it.

Somehow, I made it through the day and the next until I finally saw my therapist. I will never forget the look on his face when I told him what had happened. His jaw literally dropped as I began to pour out my soul. I really wish our sessions were recorded, I would love to know what actually came out of my mouth. Did I cry? Did I scream? Was I a blubbering mess or a scary lunatic? All I really recall was that I was a whirlwind of emotions and I felt like I’d rather die than feel so much pain, yet again in my life. Pain I brought upon myself by choosing to ignore all the red flags of never meeting his family or friends. The stupidity of not insisting that I see where he lived and worked. The soul crushing pain of finally knowing why none of those wishes were ever granted.

Back to work. That is how I have always survived the life altering moments that continue to present themselves. That which does not kill us makes us stronger, right? By now, I must be an ox. I wanted him gone, every last speck of his existence in my life gone. It wasn’t difficult really, I came to realize that besides his clothes and a few items in our bedroom, he had never really moved in. The majority of his belongings were in the basement, boxed up and for the most part, ready to leave at a moment’s notice. I had always respected his privacy, I never went through his belongings, but now…possession is 9/10ths of the law.

I started to go through everything, every shred of paper, every photo and what did I find? It was all there, waiting for me to see it, everything to confirm what the other woman had told me. I found tax returns confirming that he worked at a hotel for years. He had never been a pilot, not for a moment. I found the unemployment papers showing that he had to pay them back for the time he was scamming them, that’s why he stopped paying me rent. I found a greeting card from her saying how much she appreciated him being in her life and how much she loved him. Everything to blow his cover had been residing in my basement for two and a half years begging for me to find it. It was like a game of dare, like he was daring me to catch him, to figure it all out, a time bomb waiting to blow my hopes and dreams of spending the rest of my life with the man I loved to smithereens.

I needed to get this poison out of my house. There was no way I was going to be his storage facility for free. He already owed me thousands in back rent that I may never see, I wasn’t going to add to that humiliation. So, I contacted my lawyer, a man I have been able to rely on countless times in my life, he would know what I needed to do and how to do it the right way, the first time. He told me what I needed to write and how to properly word everything for me to legally state that there was only so much time allowed before I would legally remove his personal property from my home. I did exactly as I was told, the email was sent and the ball was in his court.

However, before all the evidence slipped away, I felt compelled to look through it again and again. I was driving myself crazy looking for something, I needed to find something to explain why this had happened. Why was this happening? Who was this person and why was he doing this to me? At first, I carefully pulled out papers and replaced them exactly how they had been. Then I realized, I wanted him to know that I had gone through everything. I wanted him to know that the jig is up! Ah-ha I know who you are and what you’ve been up to! I can see all your dirty little lies in these piles of paper and photos showing how you have manipulated me all these years. It was exhausting and my dear friend told me that I had to stop doing this to myself and I knew she was right, but I had to look one more time and you know what I found? I found that I was no where. There was nothing of me, to be found. None of the cards I had sent him, no photos of me, no shred of my existence, nothing, nothing was to be found that showed that I ever existed in his life at all.

#thelieswechoosetolivewith