Originally written October 3, 2018
I had a dream last night, about carrying a little girl through the city and being very protective of her. We were going from shop to shop looking for something and at one point, a man joined us in our journey. We stopped at an open market where they had an old fashioned cash register and there were two ladies behind the counter. One was supposedly this little girl’s grandmother and the other her aunt. We kept asking questions, but we couldn’t seem to get any straight answers from them. It was like they were not willing to allow this little girl to know the truth about her family or accept her into theirs.
The three of us left and went to an old building where we were to meet up with another man. As we were entering the building, he was walking out backwards pulling along what seemed to be a spool of wire, the kind I would think would be used to detonate a bomb. We walked past him and kept going to the room we were to meet him. He said, “Are you sure you want to go in there?”
I really don’t remember anything else, but I think it all had to do with me wanting to know or at least try to know the truth about why “the pilot” did to me what he did. The fact of the matter is, that even if I do sit down with him to talk, I will not be able to believe anything he says, even if it is the god’s honest truth. Odds are, whatever spills out of his mouth will be another carefully orchestrated web of lies that were designed to lead me down another path of his choice, not mine.
This morning, my son said that the plot thickened with the Kavanaugh case. He said that Ford’s ex-boyfriend and an old friend of her’s poked holes into her testimony making her appear to be a liar. Earlier he had told me that speaking in front of a senate bench, that even though people are under oath, they can say whatever they want and not be held criminally libel for slander. To me, they are all lying to some degree in order to get what they want. It’s not a matter of who is telling the truth, it seems like who is telling the least lies is the one who will be considered honorable.
I really have no idea what all the details of this case are, but it seemed to me to be more proof about how society is these days. It doesn’t matter what really happened, it’s all a matter of what people want and the stories they are willing to tell to make it happen. “The truth will set you free.” Really? What is the truth, does it actually exist? I certainly do feel more free now that my eyes have been forced open, but I don’t necessarily like how it has left me. I was happy, or so I thought until I found out that my entire relationship was a sham. What would have happened if I hadn’t found out? Would he have eventually left me? Made me feel like I was not worthy of him? Or, would we have continued to live together, travel and to create a world to my liking. Would he have continued to make himself into the man he knew I wanted him to be because of the trail of bread crumbs I left for him to find? Who knows.
It’s just like with my ex-husband, what would have happened if I had continued to live the lie of him not being a drug addict who was cheating on me? What if I caved in and told him that he could stay and I would get a job to support us? What would have happened to my children? Would my father have allowed this charade to continue as well? I’ll never know the answers to these questions, just like I will never know the whole truth about what my ex husband did during that time of our lives. How many woman did he cheat on me with? He says it was just one, but why should I believe him? Let’s go further back, shall we. What would have happened if I had actually believed what his friend was telling me about his affairs before we got married? His friend tried to warn me, he told me about the threesome, but I didn’t believe him because I thought he had a personal agenda to break us up so he could be with me instead. What a fool I was, my god!
Unbelievable! I wonder how many times in my life I have been so incredibly blind to what was being told to me, shown to me and I still refused to believe it because it didn’t serve me and the story I was trying to tell myself. I had an agenda, I was going to get married and have children while being a stay-at-home mother and nothing was going to stop me, not even the truth about my ex husband’s self destructive and cheating behavior. I made up my mind and that was all to it. Why was I so determined to have that be my story? Was it because it was the easiest scenario for me to play and make happen? Or, was it truly what I wanted? Was it like how I would only take classes in school that I knew I could ace? I was too afraid to fail or get less than a B, so I chose to skip the challenging classes so I could keep up the appearance of being a good student. Is that what I do? Do I make choices based on what others will see, how they will perceive me instead of who I truly am?
Who am I? Does anyone really know, probably least of all me. I’d like to think that I’m a good person, someone with good intentions, but I can see how many times I have manipulated people and situations so that the story I want to tell, the story I want to be told about me will come to be. I’m not the victim here, I’m the one who is pulling the strings. Maybe there is something about me that “the pilot” could see how easy it would be to lie to me so he could be cast as the part of my true love. It’s like I’m the director of my life and I am auditioning actors to play the parts that I want to see be portrayed in my life’s story. It’s a lovely cast of characters and in one way or another, they make me look like the heroine. “Yes, she’s a woman from a typical family situation, but she encounters many of life’s tragedies, big and small and not only does she survive, she thrives and becomes an amazing role model for all to admire.” Is that how the story goes and when did I decide that that would be my story?
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