Moment

Moving forward, I will refer to “The Pilot” as John and “The Other Woman” as Jane. This piece was originally written October 2018.

The other day, while my son was getting ready to leave for school to take a quiz, he recited the physics definition of moment:
In physics, moment of force (often just moment) is a measure of its tendency to cause a body to rotate about a specific point or axis. In this concept the moment arm, the distance from the axis of rotation, plays an important role. … In physics, a moment is a combination of a physical quantity and a distance.  

When he said this, it resonated with me quite a bit.  The next day, I asked him to repeat it and he gave me a visual demonstration using his phone and a pencil or something like that.  He used terms like reference and lever arm and applied force.  Then I asked him, if I was getting it right in applying his definition to what had happened to me, the relationship between John, Jane and I.  He said I had and I it looked something like this:
I’m the reference, John is lever arm and Jane is the force being applied to the lever arm. Jane had applied a force to John and because of that I’m having a moment. 

I have rotated about a specific point or axis and it has caused me to distance myself from John and because of that moment, I can see more clearly.  I had no idea how trapped I had become in his web of lies and deceit.  Because of the force that Jane applied to the situation, forcing John to own up to what he had been doing to not just me, but her as well, I have been able to free myself from a life of blind servitude. Yes, I was his servant, I took care of all his needs and then some and I did it for free. I’m not proud of that statement, but it’s true.  I did it out of fear of being alone and that fear drove me to lower myself to depths I didn’t even realize.  I let a total stranger live with me without paying rent, manipulate me so that I was feeling unworthy of him.  I could feel the “distance” growing between us and because of that, I kept trying to do more and more for him in hopes of it bringing him back to me.  I was his slave and I didn’t even realize it.

I also became more and more depressed, wondering why he didn’t seem to be wanting to be here , choosing to take all these “overnight flights” causing him to be away from me for days at a time, almost a week without earning any extra money to help pay rent.  When I was finally privy to the truth, I realized that there was nothing more I could have possibly done to keep him in my life.  The truth of the matter was, he was never mine to keep, I unknowingly was fighting a battle I could never win.  The truth was, he had left me at least 3 years prior for Jane and I was just his base camp.  I don’t get it and odds are, I will never truly know why he moved in with me except out of pity.  Why move in with me, when she had been asking him to move in with her.  I can only imagine that it was some sick twisted game he was playing with both of us.  “Look at me, look at how wonderful I am, I have two women who want me.  I wonder which one I will let be the lucky one to provide room and board for me at no cost.”  

Well, fortunately,  I feel that chapter of my life is quickly closing.  I believe I know all the truth that I will ever know or be willing to accept.  Yes, what am I willing to accept as the truth, because I have no way of ever truly knowing what he felt for me or why he did what he did.  Odds are, he doesn’t even know himself.  However, I do know that he appears to be paying for his sins and my hopes are that he will pay dearly.  I can only hope that Jane stays true to her course and does not let him move in with her out of fear of not being able to afford to live on her own, just as I did when my father died.  Her estranged husband has asked for a divorce, I don’t know the details, but I don’t see how she will get to keep her house without paying him his half.  Or maybe she has some magical powers that allows her to cast spells over the men in her life and they just willingly give her whatever she wants.  After all, she has been properly proposed to twice and me, not even once.  She has John begging her for help and he doesn’t even speak to me.  She says he still wants her, I’m dust in the wind.  If not for him owing me money, I would probably never hear from him again.  However, I am not willing to walk away from any effort to collect what is owed to me, but at the same time, $10,000 may be a cheap price to pay to be rid of him once and for all.

Right now, I am feeling strong because I have the prospect of a new romance on the horizon, but if that falls through, will I be back to ground zero and feeling completely defeated?  I certainly hope not, I have enough stress in my life just with surviving my work load and all the drama happening there.  I really don’t need more in my life, so if fate has not led me to a new romance already, I will move on and away from this “moment” and hope to find peace in the next one.