Bloom

Originally written October 23, 2018

If memory serves me, when I bought this Gerber Daisy in the spring, it had some flowers on it.  I brought it home and shortly thereafter, all the flowers died.  The greens remained healthy, but there were no more blooms.  I took care of it, moving it from place to place in the backyard in hopes that if I found the proper lighting for it, once again it would bloom.  However, all summer long it did not produce anymore flowers.  It remained green, it did not die, but no longer did it burst into a splendor of colors to delight me.  

As the weather changed from summer to autumn, I decided to give it a home inside.  After all, it looked healthy, it had survived the summer and I did have the space, so why not give it a try.  I placed it among the small garden I have created for myself in the dining room and gave it a window seat.  It is a northern exposure, not the best lighting, but enough to sustain life.  After being in the house for a couple of months, she finally was able to produce another bloom.  I guess she needed to be treated a little more kindly, a softer light and maybe a little less water. Maybe it was the warmth of the radiant heat that allowed it to thrive once more.  No matter the reason, she was happy to receive the extra attention.

When I saw the flower this morning, I was so thrilled.  My plant had managed to not only survive the change of coming indoors, she managed to thrive.  I realized that I could apply this “moment” to myself.  I’m certain it began much earlier than this, but it was June when John began to suddenly do more and more “overnight flights”.  He wasn’t home at least 4 nights a week and I began to slip into a deeper and deeper depression.  I began therapy because I felt it had more to do with my feelings about my family situation and that I needed help.  However, I now know it was my subconscious trying to prepare me for what lie ahead.  You see, when I finally realized that I had been receiving phone messages from Jane and I looked back into my phone’s history, she had been trying to contact me since June

I had managed to survive the summer, being lonely and having no one to enjoy my garden and solar light show with on most nights.  I had weathered whatever I had to face alone, but I wasn’t thriving, not in the least.  Instead, I was slowly falling apart becoming more and more dark and less hopeful by the moment.  When everything hit the fan on September 4th, I thought I would die.  My life had shifted overnight from being in a long term relationship, to being alone.  The lighting in my life had gone from bright on some days, dim on others, to total darkness.  It didn’t happen overnight, but I kept moving in hopes of finding the right light to survive.  Each step was leading me to a spot where I would hopefully survive and possibly thrive again. 

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to head in a direction I hadn’t tried in over ten years.  I signed up for an internet dating site, one that was geared towards people of my age.  At first, it seemed exciting to receive so much attention, but I soon realized, it wasn’t the sort of attention I desired, I didn’t like being in that harsh of a light.  I was ready to give up, moving from suitor to suitor was exhausting and at times frightening.  I had to block several of them because I had learned from previous experience, that these were not the types of people I wanted attention from and some of them may actually not only want to use me for a cheap thrill, but may be wanting to scam me, cause me great harm.  Just as I was about to give up hope, I received a message from a man who asked if I might actually be a neighbor of his.  He did live in Berwyn, so it was possible.  I decided to respond and a correspondence between us began.  It was one that felt more honest and genuine.  There was a certain light to this exchange of messages, one that brought me hope, one that allowed me to stretch out a bit and grow, to show my true colors without fear.

While I was basking in the this new light, there were others that were trying to steal it from me and I felt a need to run and hide, but I didn’t want to lose the feeling I had when chatting with the man who given me a chance to shine.  After an evening of deep contemplation, I decided that I knew what I wanted and I was willing to take a chance and ask for it.  So, I reached out to the man who made me feel sunny inside and asked if he would be interested in continuing our relationship off of this site.  I told him that I didn’t want to stay on this site and planned on moving away from it by the end of the month.  I understood if he didn’t want to move in another direction with me, but I had to ask.  I was pleasantly surprised when he decided to give me his work email address.  I gave him my personal one, I didn’t want work to be involved in my personal life.  I knew I was taking a chance that I may regret, but it didn’t scare me, it didn’t feel like this move would hurt me.  So far, it has turned out to be a good decision and I feel like this move towards the sunshine he made me feel, was the right choice.  I feel like I am starting to bloom again.    

We have now exchanged phone numbers and have a tentative date to meet in five days.  This of course, will involve me making another move, but it is possible that this “moment” could lead me to more and more blooms, I may burst into a splendor of colors I have never known before. Of course, there is the fear that I may fall flat on my face, but I want to feel the fear and do it anyway.  What if it brings me into a new light, one that supports the possibility of me being able to grow and thrive.  It’s all very exciting and allowing me to let go of what never was and never had the chance to grow because it was dark, no light, I just didn’t realize it.