Tired, Angry, Sad

Originally written October 28, 2018

Yesterday, I had another call off at work, so I had to work open to close and then drive to the play at Drury Lane.  Now, I’ve never driven to Drury Lane from work, but I had an idea of the route I needed to take.  Silly me, I thought North Ave. would be a better drive on a Saturday night, wrong.  I was getting frustrated, so I brought up directions on my phone. 

As I was nearing where I thought I would need to exit, I didn’t realize the phone had stopped functioning.  I was most certain of where I should go, but I didn’t because the phone didn’t tell me to.  As I drove by my exit. I got so mad at myself, now I had to drive miles out of my way and back because once again, I didn’t trust my instincts.

I started to yell out loud to myself, “What the hell is wrong with me that I can’t follow my own instincts?  Why don’t I trust myself?”  I was so angry. Yes, I was tired from the day as well, but I was really pissed off, at myself.

I made it to the theater on time, that wasn’t the issue.  The issue was why didn’t I go in the direction I knew I had to, the way I knew the exit was set up because I’ve seen it before, I’ve used it before, I knew better, but refused to trust my own judgement….just like with John.

My “Spidey Senses” were telling me that it just wasn’t right about the way John didn’t introduce me to his friends and family, that he didn’t invite me into his home, into his life, but I kept forcing it out of my mind because I wanted to be with him, I wanted to be with someone.  I enjoyed all the attention he was giving me, we had so much fun together.  I enjoyed him chasing me in the beginning and even when the tables turned and I was chasing him, so I chose to ignore common sense and kept justifying his actions or lack of them in the name of being in a “relationship”.  I really, really wanted to be in a relationship, so I chose to compromise myself, once again to be in one.

Unlike my relationship with my ex husband, there were no substance abuse issues, no children to raise on my own, no real reason to “deal” with the situation and continue the relationship in the name of trying to survive.  No, I did this simply out of fear of being alone.  Look at how I jumped onto a dating website only after two months of being out of a nine year relationship in hopes of avoiding being alone again.  It was a nice distraction, but probably not the best move I could have made.  Now that I am not the new meat on the block, the messages and flirts have stopped, accept from one weirdo guy.  I haven’t responded to anything from him because I don’t like his profile, his pic, nothing and he keeps on “flirting” and messaging me, yuck.  If that’s the kind of attention I’m going to get from on line dating, I don’t think I need on line dating.

With what little free time I have these days, instead I’m going to try and get to places where hopefully, I will find more like minded people and then maybe I will find someone to hook up with.  I know most men do not like to be hit on, but I’m not the type of woman to stand around waiting for someone to notice me, so odds are I will ask someone out first.  More than likely, it will turn out to be a friendship, but maybe that will lead to something more or I will meet someone else through them, but I really want to start meeting new people.  I want to learn to trust my instincts, to trust myself even if I land flat on my face because it’s better than standing still waiting for something to happen to me.

However, last night I was so sad, so very, very sad.  I don’t know if it was because the last time I was at Drury Lane, I was a couple and now I’m not, but driving home, I was so sad.  Laying in bed last night, I started to cry.  I thought about the possibility of driving out to the hotel John works at and just stare at him from a distance with a look of disdain on my face.  I would just stand there and if he came walking towards me, I would turn and leave.  I wouldn’t give him a chance to talk to me, just like he hasn’t given me a chance to know what the hell happened to my life.  I wrote, but did not send my response to his email of “concern” for me, something he wrote 51 days (his words, not mine) after he left and that felt good, but part of me wants to say it to his face.  Or would saying it out loud give him the power, not me?  All I know is that I don’t feel like this is finished, I’m not done with him yet.  I don’t know what will happen, but I’m not going to give him anymore power over me.