What is one thing you won’t tolerate in a relationship?

On my search for true love, I was given a list of questions that a celebrity TV talk show host suggests one uses to weed out a perspective mate. There are a number of good questions about parents, goals, and values, but the one question that speaks to me is “What is the one thing you won’t tolerate in a relationship?” That’s easy, I will not tolerate lies. I tell most everyone in my life, beginning with my children at a young age, that I would rather you hurt me with an ugly truth than a pretty lie. The truth always manages to find the light of day. If you have done something wrong, own up to it and we can most likely work through the situation. However, if you lie to me and I find out, the bond of trust has been broken and can rarely be repaired. If someone hurts me, I forgive them quite easily and move on, but I do not forget what was done to me. Especially, if it was done with intent.

Three months after I ended my short lived, but intense relationship with Peter, I received a text message asking me how my relationship was going. I was dumbfounded at first, but then I looked back at the previous messages and realized it was Roger, the man I broke a date with to hook up with Peter. I met Roger on the dating website I jumped onto when my relationship with John “The Pilot” had ended. It took me some time to figure out the signs of liars and scammers, but I got better at it with each one I encountered. Unfortunately, there were a lot of encounters, but there were a few that had potential and Roger was one of them. His profile stated that he was “separated” and when I wrote that while I appreciated his honesty, it gave me pause. He responded by saying that there were “irreconcilable differences”, so I continued to chat with him.

He shared with me that he had custody of his teen-aged sons and that she had cheated on him. How unusual that the man would have the children, she must be a real piece of work for that to happen. He told me how he liked to cook and garden and that he was the main caregiver of his children. Also, he had his own business which kept him quite busy. Between that and raising his kids on his own, he didn’t have much time to date, but he was lonely and missed being in a relationship. Okay, sounds good. Actually, it sounds a lot like my story.

Another trait that we shared was that our writing on the website was very polite. However, when we switched to texting, it became more naughty and playful. Had I met me with a penis? There were so many similarities to our personalities, it was definitely intriguing. Yet, there was something about his words that made me feel like he only had one thing on his agenda. He spoke of looking for a long term relationship, but that was not the signal I was picking up. No matter, I enjoyed the chit chat and being referred to as “pretty” and “beautiful”, so I continued to communicate with Roger.

After a number of failed attempts due to work and family commitments, we finally had an opportunity to meet in person. Once again, his tight schedule between work and his children only gave us a small window of time, so I agreed to drive out to where he lived, about an hour away. I have always felt that I would be willing to travel any distance for a chance at true love, so an hour was not a deal breaker. We met for breakfast at a basic diner, nothing fancy and basically deserted. No matter, I’m not a fancy person and, I felt safe enough. I arrived first and was seated at a booth when Roger walked in. He was an average man, average height and looked just like the photos he had shared with me. No love at first sight, but adorable because of how nervous he appeared to be. It was sweet how he remarked that he was pleased that I was real, not just a pretty picture on the internet. I reached over the table and grabbed his hands, “Yes, I am real.”

We both ordered the same breakfast, his eggs scrambled, mine over easy and enjoyed our meal as he told me a tale about his encounters with scam artist on the dating website, how his wife had cheated on him and his humble beginnings which led him to running his own insurance agency. His stories felt legitimate, but I thought it was curious how he kept suggesting that I sell insurance for him. Actually, he had suggested it a number of times before me met,which led me to ask him if that was his real reason for reaching out to me. He assured me that the answer was no, but still I was told I would be really good at it, so I promised him that I would consider it.

Roger kept looking at his phone during out “first date” because he was expecting a text message from his son to pick him up from football practice. Understandable, but annoying especially since I had driven out there to meet him so we could spend a few precious moments together, in person in hopes of connecting. The impending message arrived and it was time to say goodbye. I thought it had gone well, so me being me, I grabbed him and kissed him with intent. No sparks, but not bad either. “Text messaging Roger” kicked in and we talked about meeting again soon to explore the possibilities. Roger repeatedly had told me that it had been a year since he’s had any intimacy in his life and was eager to change that situation. I had expressed my fears of being his “transitional gal”, but he said he didn’t see it that way. Hmmm, either way, I wanted to see him again.

I stopped at a gas station before jumping on the highway and took the opportunity to text him that I felt this was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. He wrote back that he agreed. It was a nice feeling and it was enough to keep me going through six weeks of trying to meet again, but not being able to because of something coming up with work or his kids and then the sudden passing of his mother who lived in Detroit. Now, the work and kid stuff was reasonable, understandable, expected, but the dying mom thing? Maybe it’s because of all I have been through with people lying to me, but my first thought was, “You know, you can only use that excuse once.” How horrible of me! What was I thinking? This man’s mother died and I was doubting him? Yes, I was. I mentioned this to a few friends and co-workers and they had the same knee jerk reaction. Damn, it wasn’t just me. Have we as women been lied to so much, to such a degree that our first reaction to hearing about a death in the family being the reason for breaking a date is, “Yeah, right.” Oh bother.

After he supposedly returned from Detroit for his mother’s funeral, the naughty texting resumed. There was a good amount of polite texting as well, but no phone calls, no emails. Hmmm. I also thought it was odd that when I shared with him that I had started my own blogging website, he congratulated me, but never asked for the name of it. Hmmm. After a few more weeks of failed attempts, we finally both found a window of opportunity to consummate our relationship. There wouldn’t be much time to spend together, but I’ve always been a fan of an afternoon delight. Besides, I had other items on my agenda for the day, so a quick meeting would be just fine.

We met at a inexpensive, but clean motel midway between our homes. We began with pleasant conversation and snuggling and although there were some awkward moments, he didn’t seem nervous at all. Maybe I wasn’t his first intimacy in over a year? Hmmm, no matter I had a nice experience. Once again, he brought up the idea of me working for him selling insurance. I asked if this was how he interviewed all his prospective agents. He said yes, that this had been my initiation, to which I laughed. It was nice to have someone I felt comfortable to play with. I left feeling confident that this truly was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. It wasn’t going to be filled with passion and romance, but it could be nice. Later that day, I sent Roger a text message thanking him for making a new memory for me. You see, we had consummated our relationship on the one year anniversary of my ending the nine year relationship with John. He wrote back, “No, thank you.”

That night, I sent him a text message asking him if he was thinking about me. I didn’t hear back from him until the next afternoon. All he wrote was “Yes. Good afternoon.” Hmmm. I went to therapy that evening and told my therapist all about the consummating experience. I told him that it was nice. He responded by saying that “nice” isn’t exactly a compliment or a good thing to say about an intimate occurrence. Really? But, that was the truth and it was the word I kept using to describe this man and what seemed to be happening between us. It was nice, but that was all it was, just nice. I shared that I was concerned that I would never hear from Roger again and that I was trying to be patient and wait to hear from him. In the past, it had never worked well if I did the chasing, so I would wait to hear from him.

One day passed, two, three, four, five days passed and I did not hear from him, not a word. By now, I was angry. I didn’t care so much if we ever hooked up again, but I didn’t like feeling ignored either. I deserved to know what his intentions were and I was tired of waiting for him, so I sent a text stating, “Hello. Since I have not heard from you for a number of days, is it safe to assume that you are no longer interested in pursing a relationship with me? Please let me know either way. Thank you.” I felt that was very polite, but to the point. It took a few hours, but I finally heard from Roger, “Not like that. Just been distracted. Busiest season is underway.” Really? So busy he couldn’t even chime in to ask about my well being? I asked if he still wanted to see me and he said yes, but wasn’t certain about when he’d be available to date. Okay, I can live with that.

I really could live with that, I didn’t need to see or talk to someone on a daily basis to feel confident about the health of our relationship, but a daily text message would be nice so I wrote something light and fun in response. “I have a favor to ask. A text a day keeps the doubts away. They don’t need to be fancy or fine, but let me know that I’m on your mind. Deal?” Nothing could have prepared me for his response. I felt I was keeping it light and noncommittal, no reason for this type of response, whatsoever.

“Deal. But stop threatening me like that. Wouldn’t just say to you I’m done with you, never to hear from you again. So mean, i guess if i muss a day I’ll be threatened again.” WHAT??? At no given point in time did I write anything threatening, even in the most remote possibility. I now realized, that once again I was not dealing with a sane and/or honest person. I must be a magnet for narcissistic sociopaths, how else does this continue to happen to me? Maybe, just maybe he is truly a damaged soul because of his wife cheating on him, but I was thinking it was more likely that he had been caught in a lie, that he was probably never separated from his wife and he had used that story to step out on her with numerous women. After what I had experienced, maybe he didn’t even have children. After all, in the few pictures he had shown me of himself with his sons, they were toddlers and supposedly were now teenagers. Maybe those were pictures of him with his nephews or friend’s kids, how would I know?

I wrote back to him that I wasn’t threatening at all and that I had been feeling very hurt by his lack of communication. I said that I was sorry and that is why I prefer phone calls. Text messages are void of feeling and inflections. I added, “However, I will be very happy to hear from you via text, phone call or even smoke signals. I just need to know that you care about me, I’m weird like that.” All I received was an “Ok” and never heard from him again.

Wow! Just wow! Again? I really know how to pick them. I am a magnet for narcissistic sociopaths. Or, am I that mean and threatening? I showed the message thread to a number of women, but they were just as shocked as I was. I know, I need to show it to a man, someone whose opinion I trust. So I did and the expression on his face as he read the thread confirmed it. I AM NOT A BAD PERSON, I just make bad choices…repeatedly. Oh bother.