I had dated the man I married for five years before we took our vows. During that time, my weight went down and back up, but I managed to keep it under 200 lbs. In all honesty, I married a man I probably should not have, but I was convinced that he was my only opportunity to have children, so I took it. My self esteem was low at the time, but I was a product of my era. It was the 80’s and one could not be too rich or better yet, too thin. I thought I was pretty enough, but I could never be too thin. I enjoyed food, so much so I made it my career choice. I was running a pastry shop and doing catering at that time and working long hours, so I wasn’t a slug at all. I was probably a respectable size 16 (at my thinnest, I made it to a 13), but I thought I was the equivalent of a whale, the name that my bullies had taunted me with in my childhood. Looking back at photos of myself then, I wish I was that fat again. I looked good and sexy too! Why was I so hard on myself? Oh, I know because I listened to what everyone was telling me.
Shortly after we were married, my husband took some photos of me in the nude. They are respectable, nothing of great value showing, of me sitting on the sofa, arms and legs crossed, with sexy big hair (it was still the 80’s). Many years later, during my internet exploration days, I took more photos of myself. I was easily 30 lbs heavier in these photos and when I showed both sets of photos to men, I was surprised to find that they preferred the one’s of me in my 40’s instead of my 20’s. Why you may ask, my mindset. The younger me was void of happiness and any self worth. In my 20’s I didn’t believe any other man would possibly want to marry me, so I married someone I should have never married. In my 30’s I struggled with my day to day existence as a single mother, with no child support. I wore leggings for well over a decade thinking that they made me look thinner by emphasizing what was small about my figure. Instead, they made my top look even bigger, a fashion faux pas I will hopefully never duplicate again.
In my 40’s my self esteem appeared to be on an all time high, but in reality, I believe I was more delusional than ever. I was having a lot of fun on the internet. I could be whomever I wanted to be and I was honing my writing skills. I would go on many adventures without even leaving my home, but I did that as well. I felt sexy and desirable, but in hindsight I was just allowing myself to be a pawn. However you look at it, at least I did discover that there were men in this world that found my body type attractive. When I told a friend of mine this statement, he said that they were always there, I just wasn’t ready to see them. He was absolutely right and it made me wonder, what else had I gotten wrong about what men thought of me.
It was during the year of one of our high school reunions and somehow I had gotten in touch with an old grade school chum. He was looking for me to help him pass a letter along to someone who would be at the reunion. You see, he had regrettably stood her up for prom and wanted to apologize. There wasn’t enough time to put the letter in the mail, so he had to email it to me, knowing full well that I would be able to read it. All my life, I had thought that no boy or man had any interest in me whatsoever until I was in college. Imagine my surprise when I read that he was trusting me to give her this letter because I had been his first girlfriend when we were kids. I was what? Somebody liked me? Wait a minute, I thought I was too fat to be liked, by any boy, ever! This was a revelation for me. I didn’t know how to process this new found information. What else had I gotten wrong?
Another high school reunion was upon me. This was not a formal one like before, this was one for all classes and being held at a local pizzeria. By this time, I had gotten onto Facebook. This experience was very interesting to me as well. Because of Facebook, I was suddenly in touch with all sorts of people from grade school through college and beyond. There is one man that I consider to be my sounding board for whomever I decide to include in my “friends” list. He’s a good guy and if he is friends with them, then I’m okay with being friends with them too. However, I received a friend request from someone I pretty much considered to be one of my bullies. I don’t recall him being mean to me, but I was put into embarrassing situations by him and I was concerned about becoming “friends” with him. I took a chance and I was pleasantly surprised that he was actually writing nice things to me, “liking” my posts and making positive comments about them. As a matter of fact, I was enjoying our new found communication and I was looking forward to him being at the reunion.
The pizzeria was packed, but a friend of mine had gotten there early and saved me a seat at the bar. While going through the crowds, I came across many familiar faces, but many more faces belonged to people I had no clue who they were. Suddenly, I heard my name and when I turned to see who was saying it, I really wasn’t sure who he was. “Jerry?” I said. No, it was the man I had been hesitate to become “friends” with. We hugged and chatted and that was when he revealed to me that he usually doesn’t attend these things, but he really wanted to see me. I was dumbfounded and asked, “Why? I always thought you hated me.” What he said next, changed my world forever. “I could never hate you. You were my first crush.” WHAT??? Someone else liked me and I never knew? How is this even possible? I mean really, I had walked through forty-some years of my life believing that I was some sort of hideous beast that no man would ever truly like me, find me attractive unless I offered myself up as some sort of plaything. Now I was discovering that might not be the case, not even remotely. Wow, just wow! What else had I gotten wrong?
2 Comments
Leave your reply.