A Voice in the Darkness

I came late to the party in terms of using the internet. I had used computers, but getting onto the internet was a whole new ballgame. It was approximately 14 years ago when MySpace was the thing to do. I signed up for an email address not knowing that most of my life would now refer to that decision. I was like, I make cheesecake, but that was already taken, so 2cheesecake became my first venture into the virtual world of the internet. I didn’t do much with it at first, but then I discovered internet dating and before I knew it, I had a web cam and I wasn’t afraid to use it. My later email addresses were more suggestive like SugarNipples69, I still like that one. When I first was voting for Dancing with the Stars, I used it and after I had voted, the automated response was, “Thank you SugarNipples!” too much fun!

Yes, I had a lot of fun and adventures on the internet. I spoke to men all over the world and learned that I had a gift for writing erotica. There was one man in particular who was my muse. He was in India and didn’t understand that, “See you later Alligator.” was a saying. He thought that I had nicknamed him Alligator and hence, forever more he would be referred to as Mr. Alligator. He stole my heart right from the beginning with his wonderful comments about how real my writing was and how it made him feel like he was living the moment with me, simply by reading my words. At one point, I even showed my work to a friend who is a professional writer and he was impressed as well. If memory serves me, his critique was that I was good, just needed to fix a few punctuation marks, but it was good, possibly marketable.

I was in my glory days, writing my stories, using my web cam, and Yahoo Messenger to boot. I became horribly addicted to the attention, addicted to the power I felt when my mere words took a man to heaven and back. Even worse, was using a headset and when I could speak to them in my velvety dark voice and lead them on a journey of my making, it was very powerful indeed. I dare say, some became addicted to me. I would receive marriage proposals and promises of true love. It all felt very real at the time. There was this one young man in Sweden that I would call my Little Swedish Fish, what I would have done to be able to meet him. I knew I had to cut him loose so he could be with his real life friends and meet someone who could truly bring him happiness, it was gut wrenching, for both of us. How could I feel so much for someone I had never met, someone I had never touched, but I did.

Even more so was a beautiful young man in Morocco. He even mailed me an engagement ring. I was convinced that he was the one, but I was not willing to go to him. However, I promised that if he made it to America, I would marry him and I would have, he was adorable and made my heart sing. Last I heard, he married someone who went to Morocco to meet him. Hopefully, they will live happily ever after, I would want that for him.

So many voices, so many stories, images and so many lies. Yes, these were the lies I chose to live with because that made me happy, but when the stories ended, I would find myself so incredibly depressed. So, I would find another “hit” and carry on. Not all of the voices in the darkness were from men abroad, one lived right near me and we actually met. The connection was instantaneous, a spark ignited a flame for the torch I carry for him to this very day. So many promises were made that have never been kept, but that doesn’t stop me from going back for more. He is my addiction and even through the nine years I spent with “The Pilot”, this man never left my heart, nor mind. I secretly yearned for him, but knew that the feelings would never be reciprocated. You see, I was a voice in the darkness to him, I was never meant to be real. Oh, I tried and tried and tried some more to be the person he would choose to live happily ever after with, but even when he was free to choose me, he did not.

I often wonder what these women are like, the real women he chooses to spend his life with instead of me. Are they brunettes as opposed to me being blonde? Are they thin, educated, conservative, things that I am not. I always recall him asking me if I still work at the fruit and nut store, like that in itself made me unworthy. Yes, I ‘m a bit of a hippie I suppose, but I am so much more than a voice in the darkness. I am more than the fantasy of sheer joy and complete satisfaction, I am the one who loves him, no matter what he may say, what he may do, I am the one.

Yes, I am a hopeless romantic, but the older I get, the more I understand about self preservation. I can easily dive head first into the rabbit hole and never prepare for the harsh landing of reality. I am the one who will serenade my heart’s desire, I will dream of dancing with him to the most tender of love songs, I will readily feather a nest of his desire and I will welcome him home with more attention than one ever truly deserves. However, I am not the one a man will choose and this has always perplexed me. The enabler I wrote about recently has stated that I am too much for one man to handle. Even though he spouted his love for me and assured me that we should be together, in the end, he would leave, they all do.

I intentionally worked on creating myself to be what I thought a man would desire. I went to professional cooking school, I became a massage therapist and I have done my best to follow the advice I once received of being a lady on the street and a whore in the bedroom, but this has not served me well. I refuse to believe it has anything to do with my weight. I have seen much larger women in happy relationships, so no that is not it. I have been told that I am intimidating and have a mean face. I think that interpretation falls more on the person who feels intimidated by me because, I really am a chicken and run from confrontation.

So, once again I find myself dumbfounded as to why men do not approach me in the real world and the few that I have met through the internet, leave or at the very least, make me feel like I’m not worth the effort. I am the one who will drive way out of my way, bend the laws of space and time to be with the man I desire, but they will not. I’ve been told that I’m too nice, too accommodating then I am told that I’m too strong, too intimidating, WTF!!!

All I know is, that I am the best me I know how to be at this point in my life. I have survived so very, very much and I still manage to function, at a very high level, mind you. I refuse to become someone I am not in hopes of vying a man’s attention. I am so much more than that, I really am. Now, I just need to find the man who can actually see that and doesn’t think that I’m too much to deal with and that I am worth bending the laws of space and time to be with. I need to believe that he exists and I will keep my head held high so he can see me with ease. The big buxom blonde that I am is not easily missed, but good posture is always a plus. I will do my best to smile and be patient and keep myself busy with my writing and now exercising, working on improving my health mentally, physically, spiritually and financially so I am ready for the faithful day he finds me. I no longer choose to be the voice in the darkness. I no longer wish to exist in the shadows or virtual reality alone. I want to be seen, even if I’m having a bad hair day. I want to be seen and heard and loved, and live happily ever after.

The End

#thelieswechoosetolivewith