This past week, my therapist ended our session by asking me something to the effect of, “How has Gail grown in 2019?” He threw it out there right before my time was up, but I quickly responded with the notion that I have learned to say “no” or better yet “goodbye”.
The year began with me making a visit to John’s true place of employment. It was New Year’s Day and I wasn’t certain he would be there, but I had a strong suspicion. I wanted to physically hand him a reminder that he needed to begin paying me the back rent he owed. I also wanted to give him a few Christmas cards that had come to my house from his family, the people he told that he owned my house and that I was some sort of stalker in his life. If need be, reference the Lewis Black blog, but in a nutshell, John is a narcissistic sociopath that lied to me for nine years, but worst of all, he lied about me.
I think he was afraid when he realized that it was me that walked into the hotel lobby, not just a random customer. I suppose he should be afraid of me after what he did, but there was no need. I didn’t physically harm him the night it was revealed to me that our whole relationship was a lie, why would I hurt him now? He didn’t look like the man I was once so deeply in love with. Now, he looked like the shadow of man I once thought I knew. As always, conversation was easy between us about my work, my family, my friends because he didn’t have anything of worth to contribute. He said that I was the nicest person he had ever known. I thought to myself, “And that is why you were able to do to me what you did.” I placed my hand on his arm and said, “My god, how I have missed you. However, I’m not certain if the man I miss even exists and that’s what gets me messed up.” as I pointed to my head. I wanted so badly to step back in time, to wake up and realize that it was all just a bad dream, but I couldn’t. Instead, I said goodbye to someone I once thought I would spend the rest of my life with and walked away.
I’m not going to lie, it was tough to do and I eventually cried and cried my eyes out, but I didn’t let him see that part. No, hopefully he thought I was void of emotion, someone who would easily move on with her life without him, or not. I’ll never know what he thought that day, what he really thought because he is a compulsive liar. He has never apologize, never even attempted to apologize to me, to explain to me what really happened and why, but it doesn’t matter because I would never be able to believe a single word he uttered. He is a liar. End of story. Goodbye John.
Mid January, I went on a road trip with one of my sons. He was moving to Nevada and I asked to go along for the ride. He had plenty of time before he had to reach his destination, so I asked to swing by Oregon along the way, which we did. It was a long ride that we did it in two very exhausting days. We had our fair share of weather conditions and very nice scenery, but the best part of the trip was listening to the audio books he enjoys so much. I believe we made it through four books during the entire duration of the trip, but one will always stand out in my memory. It was British science fiction and dealt with criminals of one sort or another. True to my nature, my attention span of a tsetse fly would fade in and out as the story progressed. At one point I asked my son, “What’s with all the unicorns?” I swear I heard the narrator referring to unicorns. My son yelled at me, “Unicorns? No, uniforms, uniforms that’s how they refer to the police in Britain. Honestly mother, pay attention!” “Oh, I liked it better when there were unicorns.” I said with a giggle. Ah yes, it is not easy being a child of mine.
We made it to Cannon Beach, OR and my heart soared. My son doesn’t understand why I get so emotional when I see the ocean. I told him it’s because it is so beautiful, but that doesn’t aptly describe how I feel. It’s like coming home, although I have never lived there and don’t feel that I should because it would lose it’s magic for me if I did. No, instead I choose to visit from time to time and the goodbyes becomes less and less difficult with each visit because I carry a piece of it with home, in my heart, always.
The same thing is true when it came time for me to leave my son in Nevada. It used to be gut wrenching to say goodbye to him as he left home after his visits. Now, I know it is not goodbye so much as it is see you later. Time and space do not keep us apart. He is my child, a piece of me, a piece of my soul that will never leave me…never. Goodbye simply doesn’t not apply and never will.
As the months rolled on, I began my adventures with internet dating. Bachelor number one. Done, goodbye. Bachelor number two. Done, goodbye. Bachelor numbers three and four. Done and done, goodbye. This New Year’s Day I went to the dating website to close my account. While there, someone began writing to me. I thought, what the heck, why not and wrote back. Within a few transactions I knew, this was just another scam artist and I closed my account. The website asked for my reasoning, to which I responded, “Too many scam artist and liars.” Goodbye.
I reviewed my Facebook page while preparing to write this piece. I took some notes from that, as well as making notes from my memories. I have been very fortunate to connect with a number of my cousins this year through visits with my aunt who is in memory care. She is the last aunt on my mother’s side and the only one that I really ever had any sort of a relationship with. She is Red’s mom and looks a lot like my mother did. Whenever I was missing my mom a lot, I would go and visit her. After an hour or so of being told what was all wrong with my life, I was all good and didn’t miss my mom so much anymore.
While at the family gatherings, I always feel like an outsider, but that’s just me and my low self esteem talking. Everyone is always very nice to me, but I feel like I just don’t belong there. I think my mom experienced the same sort of feelings. I don’t recall her visits with her family being the best of times for her. Imagine my surprise when on this last visit, one of my cousins said to me that I was just like my mom and that I’m always smiling and brighten the room when I enter. Me? I brighten a room? Mom did too? Yet another something that will be filed under the heading, “What else did I get wrong?” When I left that day, I decided to say goodbye to the old tired notions that somehow I just don’t belong. Goodbye self-doubt, or at least a part of it.
Sadly, there have been a number of people I have had to say goodbye to this year due to their passing. There was no one in my immediate life, but people whom I considered friends of friends or my friend’s family members. The first was the sudden passing of someone I considered a friend of a friend. The whole experience was very jarring because he was actually younger than myself. I was sadden at his loss, but more so for the others who were very much closer to him than I ever had the pleasure of being. Their sorrow covered my Facebook feed in the form of their stories about how wonderful he was and all the lives that he had touched, very deeply. Someone I considered to be his best friend, literally had lost her mother the day before he passed. I was overcome by how terribly difficult this must have all been for her and reached out to her with my condolences. I knew I could not identify with such profound loss, but I wanted her to know that I was there for her. Over the passing months, we have been more in touch with each other than ever before. We share a common love of martinis and hooked up for a few over dinner. No one will ever replace the friend she had in that wonderful man, but it’s nice to know that I may be able to help her say goodbye. Odd, how goodbyes sometimes lead to hellos.
June through December were filled with goodbyes for too many folks I know. Boy Scout leaders, friends, parents, and pets were lost to the great unknown, but at the same time those of us that were left behind to celebrate their lives and say goodbye, received so many wonderful hellos. Due to the gatherings and postings about these amazing souls I was privileged to know, even for a moment, brought me together with so many people from past associations and new acquaintances. I suppose it’s how the love continues and continues to grow. I am reminded of the end of one of my dad’s favorite movies, Ghost. Near the end, Patrick Swayze’s character remarks that you get to take the love with you. I need to believe that is true.
I hate saying goodbye, but I have had a definite need to say it time and time again this year to too many people and situations that were more than happy to use me. I have had to say goodbye to good people and situations alike. However, along the way I was able to say hello to many incredible situations, like writing this blog. I have connected or reconnected with good people that I enjoy spending time with and sharing this great adventure or game called life with. I needed to say goodbyes so I could make room for the hellos that were waiting for me to experience. I sincerely believe that our loved ones would not want us to wallow in sorrow, but instead to move on and celebrate their wonderful contributions. Also, I don’t believe in coincidence, I just don’t. I am doing my darnest to pay attention and to finally see what this Girl from Ipanema is meant to see. I have found my voice and I am willing to say no to people and situations that do not have my best interest at heart. However, I am also so very happy to say yes and hello to the people and situations that will take me to the next level in this game called life.
Goodbye liars and ugly self-doubt. Goodbye dear family, friends and friends of friends. Hello new friends and adventures. Hello possible dreams realized.
“Hello Gorgeous.”
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