I had a dream last night. I don’t recall the details, but it had to do with loss. Like most folks, I have multitudes of experience with loss. The loss of loved ones, innocence and financial security to name a few, but I don’t think the dream was about that type of loss.
Of late, I have been battling with loss on a more emotional and psychological level. I have been tolerating mediocrity, forced to prostrate myself before someone who was not worthy and worst of all, I have been complacent with my lot in life. I believe I have been suffering from a loss of self respect, self worth and self confidence. However, like the mentally abusive relationships I have been in, I allowed this to happen to me. I am not standing on a soapbox claiming to be a victim, no not at all. Instead, I am here to say, I have done this to myself.
The question is, why? Why do I continually allow myself to be treated as less? Fear of losing someone or something is usually the case. If I don’t bow down and toe the line, I may lose something that gives me emotional or financial security. But, can’t I just get something else to replace that sense of security? No. Why? I’m fat.
I have been asked several times over my lifespan, what purpose does it serve me to keep the weight on? That’s simple, it is my armor and my excuse. I can’t possibly be expected to do X,Y and Z because I’m fat. I won’t be considered for that job because I’m fat. I can’t soar that high, I’m fat.
Some may consider my weight a loss of self control. Maybe, or am I completely in control and know exactly what I’m doing? I’m protecting myself from those who base their opinion of me solely on my appearance. I will never forget when I lost weight at the age of 20 how differently people treated me, the same people who had treated me poorly or were indifferent to my existence. Suddenly, I was someone of worth simply because I could fit into smaller clothing.
That was 35 years ago and it still pisses me off, but it’s not going to stop me from a new loss. I am focusing on weight loss so that I may gain. I want to gain physical and mental health. I want to gain strength and endurance. I want to be able to run for my life if I ever actually need to. I am not proud to say that I probably wouldn’t even be able to run one block let alone one mile and that pisses me off, more so than the people who may treat me differently simply because of the way I look.
So, how am I going to achieve this gain? I came across a link that was sent to me by my hair stylist over 3 months ago that I had forgotten about. He thought I might like this woman’s podcast and her no nonsense style. She has lost 100 pounds and more importantly, she has kept it off. She makes a lot of sense with her statements about forgetting all these extreme diets and programs, they’re bullshit. Instead, I need to stop beating myself up and gain self worth. I need to pay attention to the messages I keep telling myself and change the recording in my head before I will be able to achieve my health goals.
So, that’s what I am doing. I am focusing on my blog and putting together the foundation of a podcast. I am keeping myself open to the possibilities of financial growth and change. I am making a promise to myself to plan out what I am going to eat each day, in realistic terms and keep my word to myself. I am going to complete this task and then ask myself, what did I get right and where are my opportunities for improvement. Because here’s the reality, I do get things right and I do complete tasks, I just need to tweak my plans so that they may lead me to the gain I so desperately desire…self love.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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