It never ceases to amaze me what I can accomplish in one day. When I read off the list of what I get done, most folks tell me that I’m exhausting them just listening to me. Here is what I did today (my day off from work). I did my rowing machine for 13 minutes, showered, ate breakfast, let in the workman at 8:30 am to switch our internet service and proceeded to work on food prep of hard boiled eggs and tuna salad and compile my grocery shopping list. After the workman left, I spoke with my lawyer, changed things around on internet accounts, dropped off the equipment at old internet service, bought groceries, brought groceries in from the car, put away groceries (not always an easy task), made chicken atop of rice (a family favorite) and chili along with macaroni and cheese. I then realized it was almost 5 o’clock an honest time to have a beverage and noted that warming weather is on its way so I moved my stash from the front porch to the frig and basement and poured myself a glass of wine (maybe two). Now mind you, I’ve been doing dishes the entire time because we do not have a dishwasher and as I realized exhaustion and leg pain was setting in, my dinner company arrived. I served them, enjoyed their company and then proceeded to pack up the food I created in portion containers. My son came home and after he took out the trash (Thursdays are trash days), while I was portioning out chili for the week, the doorbell rang. It was the new internet company checking in with us to see how we were doing. We chatted, I finished putting away the food and did dishes while my son took a shower and now I’m writing this blog…whew!
It is not uncommon for me to have days like this. I also tend to do the same thing at work. Yesterday, I worked about 10.5 hours, 10 of which I intended to work to cover shifts and the new delivery times. I was going to leave at the 10 hour mark, but then I felt compelled to do more. “I can do more, I don’t want to leave this for the team.” is what I tell myself and I push myself past the point of exhaustion into near delirium. Why? Why do I do this to myself? It’s nothing new, not at all. Oh my goodness, when it comes to yard work, I push myself so hard to do more and more and more, there’s still daylight, I can do more, right? What the hell is wrong with me?! It’s not like there’s a deadline I need to meet, I do this to myself willingly. I have to work harder, go further, do more so I don’t feel like a failure and a complete waste of space. I want to know, how did I get this way?
I know my mother was a very hard worker. She’d be out there mowing the lawn in the dark because she needed to get it done for some unholy reason. I don’t go that far, but I will continue to do yard work even if it begins to drizzle. “It’s not raining yet.” I reason with myself, “I can get this done, I know I can.”, but why? It really doesn’t matter in the great scheme of things, it’s just something I do. When my kids give up and call it a day, my frustration worsens and I finish the job myself. Then, I take some pain meds and collapse from exhaustion. How many sunburns did I get, how many times have I experienced dehydration or near frostbite because I had to do more, in the name of all that is good, I must do more!
Nobody cares whether I get more done or not. It is certainly not appreciated at my place of employment. My reviews definitely do not reflect an appreciation of how hard I push myself, how many extra hours I put in, so why do it? Simply put, because it is who I am. If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing well and I will push myself, spread myself thin in the name of making the event better for the kids, the yard nicer for myself to enjoy, the food offerings more tempting for my guest, the house more comfortable for all that pass through the door, the displays at work more appealing, the orders more thorough simply because I can. If it means I have to get up earlier, get to work sooner, burn the midnight oil, I will do it because I am driven to do better than many expect of me. Is it appreciated? Probably not, but that is the price I pay for being able to feel like I have done my best, even if others can do better, I have done the best I can with what I have to work with.
It’s like I’m the bionic woman of chores. I can make it cleaner, more organized, and more inviting all the while keeping with a theme, you’ve got to have a theme! Then, I push myself to write about it and get something published. Why? Because I said I wanted to do this and so damn it, I’m going to do this! Am I enjoying myself? Absofuckinglutly!
I’ve never considered myself to be the competitive type, but maybe I am. It’s just that I’m competitive with myself. It’s like I can hear the late comedian, Sam Kinison in my head saying, “Do it! Do it!” When I’m near tears with exhaustion or self loathing I mentally slap myself across the face and think, “Stop it! Stop your crying, there’s work to be done!” My motto tends to be “Suck it up buttercup.” and I keep on going. I’m not certain whose approval I’m looking for, maybe everyone’s. However, I’m trying harder and harder to be happy with myself, to meet my own approval, but good enough, is not good enough.
I’m convinced that my dying words will be, “Did I do okay?”, but whose approval I’m vying for? I’m not a religious person, so I don’t believe I’m doing it in order to be able to pass through those pearly gates. I can no longer hope to please my folks because they have passed through those pearly gates. Friends tell me to stop being so hard on myself, so it’s not them. My kids tell me I’ve done well by them, so then whose left? Me.
I am my own worse critic, always have been, but hopefully will not always be. I need to be kinder to myself, give myself a break, but it’s not easy. It’s like when I was younger, I would make an insulting remark about myself before someone else could because I knew the comment was coming, but if it came from me first, it stung less. I learned to make fun of myself, put myself down so others didn’t feel the need to do it for me. Then I learned, that was a very unattractive trait to possess, so I worked on complimenting myself, but then I felt like I was trying to sell myself, which I was. Now, I am working on allowing myself to be less, to make mistakes and not beat myself up over them. However, I did push myself today to get as much done as possible, but you know what, it was all for me. I got done what I needed to get done to make my life just a little bit easier the rest of the week. Food is prepared so I can make planned choices and stick to them. I found the strength to break up with my old internet service and try someone new without feeling guilty about it. I gave myself the time to write about it all before getting to bed on time so I can be the best me tomorrow without feeling tired. I guess pushing myself to be better, isn’t so bad as long as I take the time to stop, reflect, and write about it.
My writing is a way of rewarding myself without unnecessary calories. I’m down a few pounds, probably water weight. However, I’m feeling more in control of my eating, planning the work and working the plan. I am preparing food so I don’t spin out of control due to my variable work schedule. Too many times I find myself pulling through a drive thru for just something to eat so I don’t eat my own hand off while driving home from work. Today’s chores were exhausting, but I think the time spent on food prep will pay off. If nothing else I will be be able to answer myself, “Yes, you did okay.”
2 Comments
Leave your reply.