Safe

As of late, the world has become a bit less safe. Back in the day, I had no idea I was supposed to be afraid for my safety. As a child, I rode my bicycle all over the neighborhood, into the woods and on busy streets. There were several times I should have not be able to be typing away right now, but I guess the plans for my life’s journey were not meant to end at those particular moments. They scared the crap out of me, but I kept on going and learned not to repeat those behaviors…mostly.

I had many close calls while riding my bike, but my most vivid memory of being in harms way, I was on foot. I was eleven years old and I was becoming fast friends with the new girl in class. I guess she didn’t realize what an unpopular nerd I was and surprisingly, she gave me a chance. One day, we walked across the busy street and headed into the neighborhood that was near the forest preserves. We walked along the twisted streets lined with beautiful homes until we reached the woods. We headed into the woods along the river and followed a well worn path. We were happy as could be and chatting up a storm, then suddenly we stopped. There on the path was a man, standing there smoking a cigarette. Every fiber in my being told me that this was not right. Without a word being spoken, my friend and I looked at each other and ran out of the woods, back to the streets and probably most of the way home. I have no idea if that man meant us any harm. All I know is that my instincts told me to run.

How I wish I would have listened to those same instincts when it comes to the relationships in my life. Too many times, all the warning signs were there, but I chose to ignore them and stay with someone that I knew in my heart, intended to cause me harm. Why? I think the fear of being alone was bigger than the fear of what harm they may cause me. Fortunately, in all of these situations, they left me first. They may have still been living with me, but they had taken up with someone else and had one foot out the door. It was just a matter of time before they would be brave enough to leave, but more so than not, instead they chose to make my life so miserable, I was the one to say, “Get out!”

Once again, as of late my instincts have been telling me I need to prepare, the storm is coming. I have done all that I can to prepare for it and still, I do not feel safe. Once again, because of the actions of others, I am being put in harm’s way. However, this time there is no place for me to run and I do not have the option of telling someone to “Get out!” Instead, I stand at guard protecting all that matters most to me, the well being of myself and my family. I am prepared to fight anyone or anything that dares to jeopardize our safety.

I have a full pantry and freezer, I wash my hands very frequently and I am doing all that I know to boost my immune system. Gratefully so, I work in an industry that is considered essential and I am still on the front line. The past few weeks have been exhausting, but thrilling. I love the challenge of keeping up with the demands, rolling the dice and placing large orders of items deemed essential, just like me. I have pushed myself to keep going because at the end of the day, I have a relationship with the community I serve. Even if they become abusive, I do not tell them to “Get out!” Instead, I understand their fears and stand my ground. Hopefully, me being that pillar of strength allows them a moment of calm. I will not let them be abusive, but I give them a sense of safety. I have what you need, whether you realize it or not, I’ve got you covered.

When I am at home, in my car or even in my office at the store, I can easily forget all that is going on because I know what I need to do and I do it. I have all that I need because I have prepared. However, when I deal with the customers, I can feel the tension and my defense mode kicks in. Do you mean me harm? I cannot allow that. Life has taught me to protect my safety. Friend or foe? It’s exhausting and I feel the isolation. The lack of safety is exhausting.

I have been told that in three years I will be in a solid relationship. I have also been told that I will live at least into my nineties, so I know I will make it through these challenging times. However, the concern for my safety and those I love more than life itself, is causing me to feel isolated. I am in the community on a daily basis, I am not living a shelter-in-place sort of life. My work is “essential” and that is a wonderful feeling, but I am alone and exhausted because my safety is in jeopardy and I am very aware of it. For the first time in my life, there is no denying it, there is no ignoring the red flags. I am on guard 24/7, there is no place to run and it is impossible for me to be safe.

#thelieswechoosetolivewith