Ever since I can remember, I have been fascinated by snow globes. I find them enchanting, not only for the swirls of momentarily suspended glitter, but for how they manage to suspend an idyllic scenario frozen in time for one to admire and possibly aspire to. I have managed to obtain a few over the years as souvenirs from my travels or those of friends. I have a big one that is also a music box I received as a Christmas gift one year many moons ago, but for the most part they are a financial luxury for me, something I cannot not justify spending the money on. More so than not, I have admired them while in the store and then leave them behind for someone more fortunate to take home.
Although it is mid April, I awoke to the snow this morning. My home office has many windows. Looking out those windows while enjoying my coffee, the brilliant snowflakes dancing through the air hide what truly exists outside. Instead I feel like I am living in a beautifully wooded area where nature beckons me to play. I am reminded about my love of snow globes. Sitting among some of my many treasures that include palm trees, pink flamingos and tiki idols, I realize how well I have managed to create my own idyllic scenario. Then I had a thought, although I am in a world of my own creation, do I feel trapped?
Although I have managed to heal and move forward with my life, inevitably something always manages to pull me backwards. Like the old adage, one step forward, two steps back. These days, sometimes even three steps. I took a huge step forward this past week by not only posting on my personal Facebook page about my blog, but to “unfriend” someone I did not want to know about my writing. I felt very confident in making this step, like I was finally moving on from the nightmare of the abrupt realization that I had been a slave to the lie my relationship with John was. As a part of that realization, I had become chummy with the other woman, Mary. After all, she was the one who set me free by finding me and telling me all that was going on. However, as of late I have come to terms with the fact that I do not truly know who she is and what part of the story she truly plays. For all I know, she is lying to me as well, manipulating me and still in partnership with him.
As I pressed the button to “unfriend” her, I could feel the weight upon my shoulders being lifted. I couldn’t wait to tell people that I was finally strong enough to do what they had been suggesting I needed to accomplish for over a year. Then, as fate would have it, the very next day, out of the blue she sent me a text message asking me how I was doing. I was dumbfounded. Really? I finally move forward and I’m getting dragged back already? My friends would recommend that I just block her or not respond, but that simply is not who I am. After all, to the best of my knowledge, she has never tried to hurt me, but then again, has she? I responded with a short, but polite message. I had hopes that it would end with that, but as usual when it comes to this part of my life, I was wrong.
The text messages continued, immediately asking me if he was still paying me. Yes, there is a debt to be paid by him to me, but I have always felt that it was really none of her business. I wrote back, “Why do you ask?” and her response was that he was asking her to borrow money. I hesitated, but I told her that he had stopped paying me. Well, that opened the flood gates of questions. Without going into too much detail, I didn’t say all that I knew, because I sincerely believe, she already knows the answers and was pumping me for information that I was not going to give her. I may be blind when it comes to love, but I am no longer in love with John, not even in like.
No matter how much I was in love with the snow globe world I was living in, I am no longer in that world. I am no longer trapped inside a world of swirling glitter that blinds me to the truth. The truth? The truth is that that snow globe was rapidly aging and like all snow globes, the water was becoming brown and murky, no longer an idyllic scene to behold for all time. There was nothing left to aspire to, no reason to shake it, hold it up to the light and slip away into a dreamlike stage where the truth disappears.
I knew I had made the correct decision because along with her increasing questions, she began to defend him saying that he was never lazy when he was with her. Actually, that was one of the many things she repeatedly stated about him, that he was lazy. It was then I knew, without a doubt that if she wasn’t already back with him, she would be shortly. She has had a number of challenges in her life and if she hadn’t been lying to me the whole time, spouting about how she would never be with him again, she was now too weak to continue that claim. She had reentered the snow globe of all that is John.
While I’ve been writing, the snow has stopped. It’s a pretty scene to behold, but no longer are there brilliant flakes to blur the reality of my surroundings. I do not live in some beautifully wooded area. Instead my vision is clear for me to behold the truth of my surroundings. All the neighbor’s homes and garages are in plain sight, along with the tangle of telephone and cable wires that connect us all to the grid. I have always hated those wires and I have always longed to look outside my windows and be able to view something more than garages. No matter how much I have surrounded myself by the things I love, my treasures of times gone by, my reality lies right outside my windows and I do not like what I see.
Yes, I feel trapped, but it is only for this moment. Because I know once I leave the confines of my home, there is a neighborhood filled with memories and there are people I am so happy to see from time to time. There are stores and restaurants, schools and churches that bring up memories and sensations that I love. They are what keeps me here, even though I know they will never leave me no matter where I go, it feels so safe and warm to shake the snow globe they exist in and hold it up to the light to admire and aspire to. I know my memories and attachments should be browning and be murky by now, but they aren’t. That’s because, on some level they are built on truth and love, unlike the snow globe of all that is John. This is the snow globe of my life, it is well within my financial reach and I am ever so grateful to be fortunate enough to take it home.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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