Out of My Head

I’ve been called a head case in my day, but then again my kids tell me that I’m actually quite normal. The things I worry about, obsess about are legitimate. I may appear to be mentally unstable when I break into song in the middle of the store, striking a pose with a pretend microphone in hand, but actually I think I’m just theatrical. The times that I actually do think I’m a head case are the days I can’t seem to stop my stinkin’ thinkin’. Yesterday began that way, but I think I may have found a cure for what ails me.

I’ve always known that no matter how bad I think I have it, there is always someone who is in a much worse situation. It doesn’t necessarily make my situation less difficult, but it does help me to put things in perspective. I truly believe that what does not kill me will make me stronger, it’s just that there are times I really wish I didn’t have to be so strong, so often. It’s exhausting really, but I have a difficult time allowing someone else to take the lead and let me be…weak. Gosh, I hate that word and I really hate feeling that way. So, more times than not I take on too much and work myself to near death trying to save my little chunk of the world.

I exhaust myself thinking about all the things I need to do, the things I should do and the things I want to do. I over analyze a situation and will come to the worst possible conclusion until proven otherwise. I need to get the dishes done even though someone else has offered to do them, but I don’t know when they will actually get done, so I do them as well as ten other things I suddenly feel the need to get done and all the while, I will be thinking about all the things that I’ve done wrong in my life, things I’m probably doing wrong right now and what will I be doing wrong tomorrow. Yet, my kids and many others think that I’m doing just fine and I need to be more gentle with myself.

I on the other hand, think that I am not hard enough. My kids maintain that I was not hard enough on them growing up and therefore, hitherto they would be more accomplished at this point in their lives if I had been as hard on them as I have been on myself. But wait, I’m not hard enough on myself so I would have had to become some monster and thrash them about and in the process tell them what to do with their lives when I didn’t even know what I was doing with my own? Oh bother.

For example, today I began the second step in my attempt to make homemade kombucha. I had just gotten home from work and I was tired and hungry, but I needed to get this done if I was going to follow the instructions properly. I took out my home brew from the depths of my dark pantry, assembled the necessary equipment and ingredients and proceeded with care to make a big friggin’ mess, cursing and belittling myself the entire time. I decided I needed to stop right there and then and have something to eat, thank god for the ultimate comfort food, pierogies. After becoming sufficiently sated, I started to carefully pour the kombucha into the separate bottles making yet another mess and deemed myself hopeless. The only way I could possibly redeem myself was to clean up the mess and do the dishes, set up the coffeemaker for the morning and water the garden and start writing this blog. Only then might I be worthy of continued life.

Yesterday morning I was beside myself with frustration about situations beyond my control at work. It was early in the morning, but I knew my mentor would be up and probably at work already, so I reached out to him via text messaging. He understood and felt the same way, but I was surprised that he didn’t try to cheer me up in his usual manner. It was then that he shared with me some of his personal strife, something I had not been aware of. I felt terrible that I didn’t realize that this was going on. Had he told me and I was too wrapped up in my own drama not to hear him? I started to ask for more details so I could not only understand better, but I planned to pray/meditate on this situation and send “white light” in his direction.

Just then, a single ray of sunlight broke through the cloudy morning sky. I sent him a text message letting him know that this had happened and that I was taking it as a good sign. He said that we are here to lessen the burden that each one of us carries every day. He also said that he hoped it was a good sign as well, that seeing the sun always lifts his spirits and that it was going to be a good day. We shared some more personal issues, helping each other with each sent text and acknowledging that things are going to get better. I then realized how much better I felt because I was no longer focused on my issues, I was thinking about how I could help him with his. I thought about how me trying to be kind and understanding helped me to get out of my head and I felt lighter. By trying to help him, I was helping myself.

He had written how he was having trouble sleeping and the things he was doing to improve that situation and that getting the fuck out of his own head might help too. I responded, “How did you know that this conversation gave me that exact idea to write about? Very true words of wisdom.” I believe the emoji he sent means “Aww, shucks”, but I’m no expert. Great minds think alike and in that moment, we both found some peace by simply being kind to one another and giving ourselves permission to get out of our own heads.

Next step to feeling better, karaoke!