This Kid

In 1989 I made a decision, I wanted to get married and I wanted to have children, in that order. I was told that I was a woman with a mission and I was. I was conflicted about marrying the only man I had ever been with, about his drinking and possible infidelities, but he too wanted to have children and so an agreement was made to wed. Yep, it was that romantic. Shortly after the nuptials, his drinking worsened. I was afraid that I had made a terrible mistake and planned my escape on almost a daily basis. I became ill, walking pneumonia was the diagnosis. I had already been consuming copious amounts of over the counter medications, but when I was told I would need something more I hesitated and asked to have a pregnancy test. It was positive and now I needed to make a huge decision. Do I end the pregnancy and get the hell out of dodge and save myself from possible years of neglect or do I stay with a man I was afraid of, but realize my goal, my dream of becoming a mother? I chose the latter, no regrets because no matter how challenging my life became, I had my child.

My pregnancy was by the book, the book being What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Any symptom I experienced I looked up in the book and knew that I was perfectly fine. However, the book did not cover being married to an alcoholic during pregnancy. Those challenges I had to figure out on my own and so I did. Life kept throwing us curve balls with family issues and we ended up moving back to my childhood home for me to give birth. During my ninth month, we moved and due to that I was labeled a high risk pregnancy so I had to go to a more well equipped hospital than the one right by my home. No matter, my friend Laura was a pediatric resident at that hospital and she would be present for the birth of her future godchild.

It had been a difficult delivery, 24 hours of labor and the cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck. I gave birth to a blue baby and the nurses didn’t realize that the father of the baby was also a nurse so no matter how they tried to down play what was happening, he knew it wasn’t so minor. I looked over to the commotion in anger. I was in pain, I was exhausted and I didn’t want anything to do with the little creature that had just caused me to feel this way. I wish I could say that my maternal instincts kicked right in, but they didn’t. I tried digging deeper and sang happy birthday to the little jaundiced bundle laying in the clear plastic bassinet and cried, what had I done to myself? Why did I want this so badly?

Turns out, I was feverish. I had an infection and I was so sick, they were not going to allow me to hold my baby. That’s when it happened, that’s when the hormones roared their terrible roar, that’s when the mama bear that dwell deep within me, the one that had decided to stay with a man she knew she shouldn’t so she could have her true heart’s desire kicked in and I screamed, “Give me my baby!” Looking back, I wouldn’t have wanted to mess with me either, so they masked me and allowed me to breast feed my baby, my son Kevin.

Tomorrow, Kevin will be 30 years old. How is that possible? I mean really, it was just moments ago that he was crying so much that I didn’t think I could handle it and worried about my ability to be a fit mother. It was moments ago that he took his first steps in those cute little red sneakers. It was moments ago that my heart was breaking as he marched into his first day of school without me at his side. It was moments ago that I cared for all his wounds and illnesses with kisses and Popsicles. It seems like only yesterday that he wouldn’t leave my side to go play with the other kids and now he lives thousands of miles away from me. How is that possible? Where did the time go?

I could write for days about all the trials and tribulations about being a single mother. All the tears and triumphs one after another, all the firsts all the fights, all the fears, all the laughter and pages and pages of love. No words will ever accurately describe how deeply I love my child. When he was a baby, I tried to describe how much I loved him to an older friend of mine. She said, “Do you think you are the first woman to love her child?” “No.” I replied, “But I didn’t realize that I would be in love with my child.” I love him so much, it actually causes me pain. However, that same love is also the source of great joy and fulfillment and I am ever so grateful to be given the gift of motherhood. Nothing else I do in this lifetime will be as rewarding or as important as being a mother.

This kid was not easy to raise, so emotional just like me. This kid has had so many obstacles to overcome, which made his triumphs that much sweeter. This kid is independent and makes choices that I don’t agree with, but I will always stand by his side because I know he would do the same for me. This kid is angry, but has the most handsome smile. This kid loves me and many times parents me, comforts me, guides me and helps me edit my blog. This kid is the reason I keep going. In my darkest moments, the love I have for my child makes me snap out of it and get back to business. This kid…this kid…

In 1989 I made a decision, one of the best decisions of my life.

Happy 30th Birthday My Love!