It’s difficult to believe that it has been a year since I emailed Michael a recorded audio message telling him that if he truly loved me, he knew how to find me and that I could no longer subject myself to the “message games” he liked to play, that drew me into a world of being in love. My “on again/off again” relationship with this man went on for years, over a decade. There was an instant attraction, the lively banter we engaged in was intoxicating and the thought that there was a man out there who was willing to say that he loved me and wanted to marry me, even though he legally couldn’t was my drug of choice, time and time again. The sparks between us was worth the pain and anguish when he would inevitably disappear…again.
Every time he would reemerge I would convince myself that this time would be different, but it never was. I would travel to inconvenient locations at inconvenient times just to spend a moment or two with him. I would sit in my car waiting for him just so I could hear his voice, touch his face and believe that in some way, shape or form, he belonged to me. I would cross state lines with my massage table in tow, along with food and other gifts to bestow upon the man I inherently believed would be my husband, but it was never meant to be. Even when he was free to marry me, he didn’t reach out to me then. Oh no, he would contact me when he had found another to wed. How does the old saying go, a leopard doesn’t change its spots? Michael was Michael, but I didn’t care. To see his name pop up on my phone sent me into an immediate trance filled with fire and excitement. They say we cannot choose whom we fall in love with, considering the self inflicted punishment I have endured over this man, I believe that statement is true.
He’s not the only one though, I performed similar acts of self depravity with many a man, all in the name of being “in love”. I did it with my ex-husband, his friend and most definitely with John the pilot, but there was also the sweetest lover I have ever known, Mr. Black. The only reason I was able to meet Mr. Black was because when I decided to stay on that alternative dating site as myself, I forgot to change my zip code to my real one. Otherwise, he would have never clicked on my profile due to my location. He was coming out of a long term relationship and I was well aware that I may just be his transitional girl, but I wanted to be with this man in every way, shape and form.
Not only was I drawn to his looks, but he was an artist, a writer and photographer, a very dangerous combination, but the cherry on top of the sundae was that he was shy and modest, even nervous around me…intoxicating. Once again, I found myself driving to inconvenient places at inconvenient times, dragging my massage table, food and other gifts to bestow upon him, to see him, talk to him, touch him. The heat between us was obvious to anyone in our vicinity and even though we had just met, we were mistaken for a viable couple…magic. Unfortunately, there was something about him that made me realize that trouble was emanate. Without going into detail, I received a series of emails that he said he had not written, but that his account had been hacked and he was ending our relationship in hopes of protecting me. A gallant gesture or an artistic way to disguise a deeper issue? I’ll never know the truth, but it broke my heart to read the words the sweetest lover I have ever known, telling me good bye.
I love being in love. I miss being in love. I fall so easily, so very deeply and I yearn to know those feelings again. However, I wonder with all that is going on in this world if it is even possible for me to let someone into my life ever again. The sheer thought of allowing a stranger into my house, which used to be child’s play, terrifies me. How can I possibly allow someone into my home, my life, my heart, how will I ever fall in love again? It seems like I need to come up with another option. I’m not interested in trying internet dating again and I’ve never been into porn, so what other options does a healthy girl have?
Before your mind goes into the gutter, I have decided that I need to fall in love with myself. I need to treat myself as well as I have always treated the men that I am in love with. Even if it’s inconvenient, I need to go places, do things that push me outside of my comfort zone in hopes of finding some spark of life that may still linger in the depths of this softly beating heart. Sometimes, I feel like I’m barely alive, hanging on by a thread, soft shallow breaths that provide proof that I still exist. I’ve gotten so use to doing nothing more than surviving. I work a lot these days, take care of chores, watch a little TV and get to bed early enough so I can be the poster child of “early to bed, early to rise makes a girl healthy, wealthy and wise.”
I’ve become complacent, with the fact that I have no where to be (outside of work), no one to see, nothing to do, but daily maintenance. Under the heading of TMI, I finally shaved my armpits. Yep, that’s how far gone I’ve become in merely existing. Worst yet, I didn’t care at all, I wasn’t shocked one bit at the growth. Who cares anyway, it’s just me, myself and I and well, I’m blonde so it’s not that big of a deal, right? Or is it?
As I sip my glass of wine on one of what may be the last nights I can sit in my office with the window open and listen to my hypnotic wind chimes sing in the gentle breezes that blow it into song, I am going to try and imagine what it would be like to love spending time with myself, to be in love with myself and the woman I have become. I’m still a work in progress, but I have come so very, very far.
Day after day, year after year I notice the tiny lines in my face increasing in volume, but I know that they are signs that I have lived a full life, filled with laughter and love, intensely deep and passionate love that I will find again. I don’t know where and I don’t know when, but I’m willing to start by loving myself as deeply as I have so many men, but unlike them, I will appreciate everything I do for myself, even if it’s inconvenient.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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