Connections

Yesterday, I finally began the arduous task of cleaning my bedroom closet. If one were to stand at the doorway and look in, they would see a 4’X4′ space and think that it was a small closet. However, if one dares to part the first row of clothing they would unearth a second row and behind that row, one would see that the closet, which is the length of the dormer stretches far back on a descending angle. Plenty of space to cram a life’s worth of “stuff”.

I was determined to purge myself of things that no longer brought me joy. Besides, one day I may actually move from this dwelling and need to downsize, so no time like the present to prepare for the inevitable. This would prove to be no easy task, because even though I have always felt that I am a group of one with a glass wall barrier separating me from the rest of the world, I have managed to make “connections” along the way.

The first treasure to had to remove a considerable amount of dust from, was a poster from one of my all time favorite movies The Matrix. I have literally seen that movie fifteen times, maybe more because it spoke to me on many levels. I, like Neo feel there’s something just not right with this world, a nagging splinter in my brain that I continue to explore as I navigate this life of mine. Or, is it just a script I’m playing out for some elaborate experiment? One may never know. I was also fascinated by this movie’s cutting edge special effects. “Bullet Time” was introduced in this production and not only did I enjoy watching the movie over and over again, I would watch specials on the making of it. This movie embodied all the elements that drew me to filmmaking, as well as the many takeaway quotes the script had to offer; “There is no spoon.” “I can lead you to the door, but you have to walk through it.” and probably my favorite just before Trinity shoots an agent, “Dodge this.” Yes, I felt connected with this film and still do.

I was totally in love with movies and one of my keepsake boxes possesses the evidence to prove it. I have kept many of my notebooks from the short time I was able to attend Colombia College, a fine arts institution. I began the school year as a theater major and switched to film for the second semester. I was having the time of my life, living the dream until my mother died. I managed to complete the semester, but I never did finish the screenwriting class. I believe I allowed that creative part of myself to die with her as I suddenly became the woman of the house and had to learn how to manage without her. My mother, like I had created a glass wall barrier around herself, but somehow we managed to connect. Like minds? I suppose, but time did not allow me the opportunity to find out.

A series of events that followed led me further and further away from the path I had been on for 3 years. Also in those keepsake boxes were evidence of my former self, the young woman who enjoyed live theater. Scores of Playbills, ticket stubs and other mementos from shows I had worked on or had been privileged to see. Along with those were greeting cards from those I had “played” with during that time of my life. That was also the time I met my future ex-husband and his friend. Oddly, I have more mementos from his friend than my ex. I kept letters from him, letters of explanations and apologies that baffle me to this day. Maybe he did love me, but we were better at being sparring partners than we ever could have been as lovers. However, there was that one night while out at a dance club wearing my famed 80’s dance boots (Yes, I still have them in the closet for me to take out and reminisce about my clubbing days) that we connected in a corner of a crowded club. The chemistry was undeniable, but like all fires that burn too brightly, it was not sustainable and eventually we parted ways.

There is a second keepsake box that is like a trip in the “Way Back Machine”. This box holds high school and grade school stuffs. My mom saved many artifacts of my short lived scouting phase. I think she was so happy to see me be involved in anything, that she kept all the evidence of me doing something other than watching TV. I have always been a loner, probably because it’s easier and safer than trying to be accepted by society. Who knows, maybe I was that odd and not easy to get along with, I really don’t recall. I just remember barely fitting into the largest sized uniform they had and doing some arts and crafts. I still have my scouting pins and a lovely embroidered Brownie handkerchief along with some event programs with my name printed inside them, but the rest is a wash. No connections were made and the glass wall grew taller.

Also among the treasures of grade school is an invitation to a birthday party from the most popular girl all time through grade school as well as high school, Becky Hahn. I was beyond thrilled to receive that invitation, I thought for a moment that I had finally made the cut, but when I realized that every girl in the class received one, that idea was dashed. However, I still went because it would give me the opportunity to see the home of the most popular girl ever and to see how popular people lived. I was immediately impressed by her home and her mom made sloppy joes, something I had never experienced before. I relished that moment, so much so that after close to 50 years, I still hold onto that party invitation. Over the years, I have been fortunate enough to cross paths with the most popular girl ever and feel blessed. You see, even though she was considered the prettiest and cutest girl of our senior class, she was also the nicest. So you see, she did deserve that crown and I got to see where the queen lived, an honor indeed to have connected.

More boxes hold keepsakes for my children, but I didn’t have the strength to keep going yesterday. I hope to find the courage to open them today and see what treasures they hold. Old school projects and photos of the connections they have managed to make over the years. Like me, they tend to be loners, but somehow we have all managed to find someone, someway to reach beyond the glass walls, the barriers we create in order to protect ourselves.

Schoolmates, cousins (Hey Red!), and coworkers, the few, the brave, the ones who were willing to take a chance on me. The people who were willing to stick by my side, stay with me even when I so low ,I didn’t want to be with me. People come, people go, but there’s no denying that a connection was made. No matter how ugly the parting of ways may have been, the connection lingers on.

I have a closet filled with “stuff”, but that “stuff” brings me joy. The sorted items help me remember that I have had a good life, I’ve done things that made my heart soar. I have loved, laughed and cried, but I wasn’t alone. No matter how my mind likes to create a reality where I am alone, I’m not. The “stuff” helps me to remember that at one point or another, I was able to face my fears and reach out to others and make a connection. Some where short lived, others life long, but there’s no denying that the connection exist. Looking through my keepsakes, instantly takes me back to a time when I was somewhere else, someone else. I can feel it like it was yesterday and sometimes I get lost in those memories, but I cherish those moments when I can step back in time and remember all the wonderful people, all the amazing events and the feeling of being connected with someone.

The question is, where am I going next? Who will I meet and will they be brave enough, strong enough to try and connect with with woman behind the glass wall barrier? I sincerely hope so, I can’t wait to add to my “stuff”, to make new memories and connect. I will always make connections, no matter what the world tries to make me believe because you see, “There is no spoon.”

#thelieswechoosetolivewith