It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like writing. I’m working a lot, maintaining my home and keeping the plates spinning. I’m tired. I’m very tired, but I’ve come to realize that it is not the long hours that are wearing me down. Instead, it is the uncertainty of the many challenges I am faced with. At this moment, I do not feel that there is any sense of certainty in my life and this has left me feeling void.
I dared to play with Michael. I am ashamed to admit how much I enjoyed the dance, but once again, he is gone. I feel a need to specify that I have not physically seen him in close to twelve years. Ours is a dance of the mind, the sexiest tango one can imagine. However, like all affairs that burn so intensely, they cannot survive, they cannot endure the test of time and as quickly as they ignite, they perish along with all hope of ever being something true. Could we ever truly exist in the real world? I dare to hope, but “we” are more unlikely and more uncertain with each passing day of radio silence.
There’s so much uncertainty at work with team members, customers and the very existence of the work I do. Retail is dying, but it’s what I know and love. I’m good at it, I’m comfortable with the daily routine and the certainty that if I do what I’m supposed to do, I will experience success. However, with all that is going on in the world, success has become less certain. With shortages in raw materials and the rules of the game changing, it’s become a crap shoot. Gone are the days of working for a company and earning a pension one can rely on to enjoy in one’s golden years. In all honesty, I seriously doubt that I will ever be able to retire. So, I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t think I would enjoy being idle, but the uncertainty of my financial wellness is very unsettling.
I have a very short bucket list, but it includes a little travel. I just want to go to a few places one could easily fly to, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I may not even get the chance to do that. I can’t even fathom taking more than 2 days off in a row in a time span of my choice. Everyone else seems to be dictating to me when I may or may not have an opportunity to travel because they called dibs. Actually, it’s getting to the point that I don’t even have a bucket list anymore because I don’t have any control over it. Or, if I do, it’s too worrisome to consider. I’d rather just sit still and try to remain invisible so I might be left alone for a time period greater than 24 hours. However, during that 24 hours my mind wonders what I will be walking back into when I return. It’s almost better to work every single day because it lessens the uncertainty, but it’s slowly killing me. I’m becoming numb and succumb to the void.
All the uncertainty in my life and the lives of those around me is crushing. The only certainty I have going for me is that I will be going to work tomorrow and more than likely, the next day and the day after that because someone’s needs or something beyond my control will force me to do so. I find a little solace in watching TV, but the uncertainty of the plots leaves me feeling nervous about tuning in for another episode.
I find myself staring out the windows at the front of my house wondering what’s going to happen next. Who’s that walking down the street? Where are they going and why? That’s a big dog. What are the odds of a car crashing into my house? Would it do any real damage? It’s a brick house. Why do I care and what does it matter because the reality is, it doesn’t and it is all beyond my control.
In a zombie like state, I went to the kitchen to clean up for the night. My son had fried up some potato pierogies that I wanted to pack for my lunch the next day. My son is tall and intimidating, just like his mother, but to me he will always be my baby. As he packed my lunch for me, he said, “I think you’ll enjoy the pierogies and especially the grilled onions.” He nodded his head as he made this statement in a manner I found quite adorable. It was almost as if he was saying, “They’re good mommy.” and it made me smile.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that with all the uncertainty in my life, it’s nice to know that my son is still my baby and we both like grilled onions. Of this, I am certain and it lightens my heart that there is at least one thing I am certain of, grilled onions are good.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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