What happens?

What happens when you get all that you’ve ever hoped for?  You live happily ever after, right?

It wasn’t that long ago when I actually believed that to be true.  I had a home of my own, a good job and a man who adored me, or so I thought.  I still have the home and good job, but as it turns out, the man was a lie.

I just had a dream where I was moving into my dream home with my husband, Robert Downey, Jr.  I looked more like Nichole Kidman, but I was me.  It was a wonderful dream filled with mutual love and sexual electricity, a beautiful MCM home filled with MCM decor.  As it was coming to an end, I was throwing a party.  I had set a buffet table that our guests were raving about.  I donned a perfectly fitted rust colored sequined dress, every hair in place, I was a vision of loveliness.  I walked through our home unnoticed by our guests and went to a small angular room that one would call a music room.  It had dark wood paneling and soft lighting.  There was a phonograph, a leather couch, a small table or desk and a piano.  An older black man was there, putting on an album, humming along to the music.  I walked into the room behind him, once again unnoticed.  I stood behind the piano and watched him as he began to barricade the door with the table and an ottoman.  I thought to myself, maybe he wants to take a nap?  I didn’t believe that he meant to cause me harm because he didn’t realize that I was there.  I finally spoke up and asked, “What are you doing?”  Startled, he apologized and moved the furniture back to its original place and left.  

I don’t know why, but I was under the impression that he had intended to masturbate in my home while enjoying my music.  After he left, my husband, Robert Downey, Jr. walked in and found me standing behind the piano.  A single tear streaked my cheek.  He asked me if everything was okay and I nodded, yes.  He walked towards me in hesitation as if he were asking permission to approach.  I was still as we stood there in silence.  He cocked his head to the side as if to ask, what’s up?  Our eyes met as I said, “What happens when you get all that you’ve ever hoped for?” and then, I woke up.

I have an amazing fantasy life, one where I am an incredible dancer, I’m physically fit, and I have everything I’ve ever hoped for including power over the entirety of my life and the people in it.  I have been listening to songs while driving to work and when one strikes a chord with me and makes me think of Michael, I send it to him with a text saying, “Mindset of the day.”  In the recent past, I have sent him “Closer” by Nine in Nails when I was feeling quite horny.  I have sent him “Be Anything, but Be Mine” by Queen Latifah to which he responded, “Mindset period.” 

Yesterday, I sent him a message, “I was dancing with you this morning and you allowed me to take the lead…intoxicating.” to Thomas Dolby’s “Flat Earth”.  This was a day later than my previously unanswered message, one I wrote after he asked when he could come down to visit me. 

Not this week. Unless, you just want to meet for a drink.

My brother is planning to visit this weekend.

I keep hoping that I will be walking down the aisle at work, look up and see you standing there.

That’s what I’ve always wanted, for you to decide that I am what you want and you are willing to go out of your way, that you will want me enough to come for me.  I’ll take it from there.

Choose me.

Forever.

You decide. 

Come to me and I will make you mine.

It makes me wonder.  I mean, I know Michael is lying about wanting to be with me, about me owning him, he will never leave the safety of the perfect world he has created for himself to take a chance on the unknown with me.  No, what I’m wondering about is if I am lying to myself about what I really want.  Do I really want to live happily ever after?  Afterall, I truly believe that I get off on the pain of it all, the yearning, the disappointments, and the sense that I will simply never be good enough, never deserving of a man’s true love and devotion to me. 

I have a written list of what I want in a man.  If memory serves me, I have posted it in a blog.  I put it out into the universe in hopes of attracting the man of my dreams.  I read the list to my son and he said, “It sounds like you’re looking for a submissive.”  Out of the mouths of babes, I think he’s right.  However, I don’t think I could tolerate being with a submissive long term.  I believe that sooner than later I would grow to resent him.  I’d get tired of being the one in charge and yearn for a man that is strong enough to chase me if I were to walk away.  I have yet to meet that man.  In my life’s experiences, the men in my life are more of the attitude, “Go ahead, leave, I won’t stop you.”  I have yet to meet the man who wants to fight for me, fight for us.  I guess in all honesty, I have yet to feel that way about a man as well.  I have yet to meet a man that I was willing to go to battle to keep. 

I did so in a way for John.  I was thinking about that moment we had some sort of disagreement at a New Year Eve party.  I didn’t hear from him for a long time afterwards, so I went looking for him on AFF and that was when I caught him using a webcam.  He had never used a webcam with me and here he was, broadcasting for all to see.  I knew it was him, I recognized his skinny, white legs and the interior of a Holiday Inn hotel room, just like the ones we had “visited” in.  Now I know, I understand that moment more.  He would get himself a room so he could freely play on the internet, something he couldn’t do while living with his cousin’s family.  He would get himself a room, probably in the hotel he worked in, use it for free so he could surf the web and get off without worry of being caught by his family. 

Anyway, after I had caught him and confronted him, I said that I had thought we were moving in the direction of a mutually exclusive relationship and that being on the internet was just as bad as cheating.  That was when I asked him to take our relationship to the next level.  I asked him if that idea scared him and he said, “A little.”  Liar!  It probably scared him a lot.  Why did he keep up with the lie and move forward and eventually in with me?  This is something I will never understand.  Unless, maybe he knew me better than I knew myself.  Maybe he could sense that I was a commitment-phob before I did?  I keep telling myself that I want a man in my life, to be in a mutually loving and committed relationship with a man that adores me, but do I?  It would be nice to have someone to snuggle with first thing in the morning, but do I really want him to live in my house?  Touch my things?  Have to compromise my tastes in décor to suit his?  I don’t know…I don’t know.  It would probably be a better scenario if I met a man that kept his own home and me mine and we would come together from time to time.  However, I couldn’t tolerate him being with other women.  I know I would be faithful, but I have my doubts about finding a man who would be the same for me.  I know these men exist, my brother is one, but how do I find one that is also comfortable being with a strong dominate woman?

Well, it’s time for me to get ready to leave my home and go to my good job.  Yes, I actually woke up this morning and hammered out this piece.  The images in my dream were so strong, I simply had to before I lost them.  It feels good to have that sense of independence and focus to do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it.  Maybe I’m my own soulmate?  Something to ponder.  Until next time…

#thelieswechoosetolivewith