I’ll never forget what my lifelong friend, Timmy said to me on my wedding day. I hadn’t seen him in years, I don’t even recall how I managed to send him an invitation. I was moving to upstate New York the next day and he said that he was going to miss me. I asked how that was possible considering I hadn’t seen him in close to a decade. His response startled me. He said, “I’ve always known you were here and now you won’t be.” He was right, but in less than a year, I would return and never venture forth again.
Sometimes it bothers me that this seems to be my lot in life. I am the one that stays, holds down the fort, keeps the home fires burning. Everyone has everything they need and a little bit more because I maintain the home. There is always a safe place for those who choose to return to me. However, I know that it is only a matter of time before they leave again. I, on the other hand, do not.
I have grown over the years, more schooling, different careers, but I always remain here. Especially, since I became a mother, I have done my best to maintain a sense of stability. I did what I could to earn a living from my home in order to be here for my children. When they went to school, I saw them out the door. When they came home, I was still here. My siblings all moved out and I stayed here to not only provide a better quality of life for my children by staying with my father, but to be here for him as well. I was here for his final breath. I still keep his hat and coat on the back porch, I’m not certain why, but they are here and so I am.
I’ve watched high school friends go away to school, never to return. I’ve watched friends and colleagues make career advancements I’ve never dreamed of doing. I’ve watched one child leave for boot camp and another with one foot out the door, but I remain steadfast and true to my claim that I am mother earth and everyone else satellites around me. I am here, they are not, but I am here if they choose to return.
There have been times that I was so angry at what I have done to myself. Taking a pass on selling my infamous cheesecake through a catalog so that I may become a wife and mother. Staying home with my children, taking care of other’s children, at a very reasonable rate so I may be home for my kids and watch others advance in their careers because they knew I would be here for them and theirs. However, I don’t regret one moment of being the constant in not only my children’s lives, but those of the children I treated as my own. I know I made a difference, possibly imperceivable, but I did.
I stay here, yet I don’t. My imperceivable movement has its affects. I’m stealth as I remain still and quiet, trying to improve my listening skills, paying attention and learning what must be my next step. Although, I don’t move, I do. I don’t act, yet, I do. I see much more than folks realize. I hear what they are saying and I store that information until it’s time to make a move, to place something somewhere, say something at just the right moment, that makes a difference, no matter how small, it matters.
My time will come. After all those friends and team members, leave for school or new careers, after those who seek a new lifestyle and move out of state, after my children leave my side…or not, it will be my time to move. However, I won’t just move for the sake of moving. No, I know exactly what I want and I won’t settle for less. I will not make a lateral move; I will move up. I want to triple my income and work half as much doing something I love to do that benefits others as well. I want a Mid Century Modern home with a slanted roof, more in the woods away from the city, near a body of water as well as near all the modern conveniences I desire. I want to live comfortably, without fear, to have abundance in my life of everything I desire. I want, I want, I want and therefore, I shall have because I am stealth and only make imperceivable movements so I can remain here, for you. I am always here for you because I choose to be, because it brings me joy. I’m not stuck, I never have been, I just couldn’t see it or didn’t want to see it, until today. Come and go as you please, I’ll be here, cocktail in hand and if you’re lucky, I’ll have a slice of my infamous cheesecake waiting for you to devour as you tell me about your adventures. I’m listening and I’m weaving those adventures into my stories. Tell me more…I’m here for you. I always have been and always will be. Cool, huh?
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