For those who know me, my next statement will be a matter of fact, I am a creature of habit. I don’t do well with change, but even more so, I do not like uncertainty. I enjoy knowing not only where my next meal will be coming from, but my next most everything. Like a good scout, I plan the work and work the plan. Of course, one needs to be prepared for deviations (a good scout is always prepared), but my best days are when everything goes according to plan.
As of late, I am finding it very difficult to be in my happy place of preparedness, but not at my own doing. In a nutshell, I am extremely shorthanded at work. I knew one person was leaving for college and I had a hunch that another was moving to another store, but the last one to left blindsided me. We were already having trouble finding anyone to even apply for the first person’s position, but even though I have three positions posted, we have not had any viable candidates and more so than not, almost no one applying.
I had already been working six-day weeks, some open to close to cover the needs of the business and then on my one day off, I had a call off that has led to that person being off an unspecified amount of time. Of course, I went in on my one day off to cover the shift, because that is what one does when one is in charge, but it came at a cost. Speaking to my staff about the situation, I realized how much it affected me because I had been looking forward to that one day off, planned what I would be doing and started to do it, but then had the day taken away from me. Tears welled up in my eyes, so I walked away and got back to work. Fortunately, I was able to have someone come in on her day off and help cover part of the shift, allowing me to complete my plan for the day, but not before I had to adjust to another situation of possibly not having someone from another store coming to help us at all anymore.
As my team was dwindling, my level of stress was rising. However, I have continued to go to work, work the plan and keep the ball rolling, just like I always do. My assistant could see how worn out I have become and graciously offered to work an open to close today so I may have a day off. I was hesitant and was feeling guilty about doing so, but I accepted her offer. Thankfully, I did so because driving home last night after a 12-hour day, my level of exhaustion was so high, I believe it was affecting my vision. While driving home, I received word about impending traffic delays, so I took a detour which led to a stand still instead of a clear path. I managed to get out of that trap, but hit another and yet another. By the time I got home, I felt like I had been beaten to a pulp, but I made myself something to eat to go along with the strong drink I had poured myself.
As I sat in my home office, feeling the effects of my cocktail, my mind drifted to a place it hadn’t been in quite some time. I actually considered texting John the Pilot to give him a piece of my mind. I was in a very bad place, so why shouldn’t he? I mean, after all, for the best of my knowledge, he’s living the high life and I’m not. I’m coming home to an empty house, exhausted and drinking alone. What is he doing? Conning another innocent soul and plotting his next scam with a cohort? Or maybe, laughing it up, thinking of the way he will manipulate me? I don’t know, I will never know because he has never even attempted to apologize or explain himself, not once. I will never know why he did to me what he did and some days it’s harder than others to let it go and move on with my life.
I decided to note what I was thinking and using the memo section of my phone, I began to speak my feelings out loud so the phone could be my secretary. What came out of my mouth surprised me and so I decided to share those written words with you. “So, I’m exhausted and I’m a little drunk. I’m thinking all I really want to do is text John and tell him how much I f****** hate him, but I don’t do that. Instead, I look up and I see how nice my mid-century modern kitchen stool looks in my kitchen and how much I love it. I guess that’s who I really am.”
Does this make me superficial? Is it better to look good than to feel good? No, I don’t think so. What I think is that the beauty of my kitchen stool grounds me. It is something I can count on to make me happy time and time again. Something so simple, like the sound of someone mowing their lawn on a late summer’s day, it is something I know and find comfort in that knowledge that life will go on as it always has and should.
On top of all the uncertainty at work, one would have to be living under a rock to not know of all the other uncertainties at play. One day to the next, I have no idea what I may be walking into and quite honestly, it’s exhausting and beginning to take its toll on me. I had a very difficult time getting to sleep last night. Between the body aches of working deliveries without my young able-bodied assistant and the stress of “life” circling my mind, after a couple hours of unsuccessful attempts to sleep, I reached for my ashwagandha gummies. Is this how I will manage to cope all the uncertainties in my life? At least they are tasty.
I decided to check what was happening on Facebook and was reminded of the 20th anniversary of 9/11. I reposted what someone had previously, about the events of that faithful day. Is that when it all began? Is that when I lost so much of what allowed me to live with certainty? No, I can’t honestly make that statement. Too many other events have stolen that sense of innocence from me as well, but this was a biggie for sure. Someone else appropriately stated on their page, “The uneasiness that comes from not knowing what is next.” That one hit the nail on the head for me. That, is what is wearing me down on a daily basis.
Today, I have been able to take care of my chores, mostly by staying home because the uncertainty of wandering beyond the boundaries of home, work and the grocery store makes me leery. No matter, I have a comfortable home that can hide no secrets from me because I have always been here, I know it and I find comfort in that knowing. I managed to lay down on the front porch and drift off to sleep for a few moments. I thought about my mom and how she always took care of me, that care in the form of unwavering delicious meals and clean clothes was something I took for granted. Taking things for granted is a luxury I can no longer afford.
Since I began writing this piece, word has come to me that we have hired one part timer and the person I had to cover on my one day off, is on the road to recovery and will hopefully return next week. We are still shorthanded, but there is hope that one day I will return to a 45-hour work week instead of 60+. There is hope that I will manage to have two days off a week, but the certainty of what I may be able to do on those days is still very lost and may be for the foreseeable future. Innocence is lost and possible gone forever. I have no idea day to day what I may be facing. I will continue to plan the work and work the plan, but the world I am living in today has led me to perpetually be flinching. Gone is my innocence and hope for a happily ever after. It’s no one’s fault really, it just is.
I will do my best to keep planning the work and working the plan, but what happens next is anybody’s guess. For today, I’m okay and I keep my focus on the Serenity Prayer. Just like at work, control my controllables and everything else is a crap shoot. What happens next…what happens next? Day drinking, that’s what happens next. Cheers!
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
Leave a Reply
Your email is safe with us.