How is it possible that tomorrow I will have a child that is 29 years old? I mean, I’m like that same age, so how is it possible, right? I remember my ex-husband giving me 29 roses on my 29th birthday because he said that that was the age most women continue to celebrate, no matter how many years roll by. Ummm, I think I’ll take a pass.
When I was 29, I was married to an alcoholic, morphine using, adulterating bastard. I had two children, ages 3 and 1 and I was living under not only my husband’s thumb, but my father’s as well, but I was happy, or so that’s what I kept telling myself. I was an at-home mom, something I had dreamed of being. I was able to take my kids to the zoo, throw them themed parties and buy them toys beyond our means. We were already in debt, so why not add to it and give them all their little hearts desired? Later on, I would realize that was my feeble attempt to fill the holes in our lives with “things”.
They had uncles who would visit and play with them, much more so than their actual father ever would. They had a grandpa who made certain that they had a roof over their heads. However, the reality was, they didn’t have a male role model of their own. Over the years, we would borrow them, uncles, scout leaders and teachers, but they really were never enough. No matter how much I tried to be both parents to them, I couldn’t be and no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t find a new mate to share my life with, so my kids grew up without a father figure.
I really thought, what I had provided was enough. I always made certain that they had all that they needed and a little bit more. I had lots of debt, but my children had clean clothes to wear, good food to eat, school supplies and toys. I was able to have them in band, scouts, karate classes, etc. even if it meant that I did volunteer work to help pay the participation fees. I honestly thought that we did what most other folks were doing, but I guess I was wrong. I’ll never forget how my kids were picked on for not having a father. Oh yes, kids can be cruel, but you know, it wasn’t their fault that they didn’t have a father, it was mine. I chose to not raise them in an abusive household void of mutual love and respect. I chose to raise them without a father figure instead of having someone around that really didn’t care about their well being or mine, for that matter.
In hindsight, I guess I should have tried harder to find a mate. I should have lost the weight and went out manhunting, but I didn’t. Instead, I focused on earning money, building a career and getting my debt under control. I did “date” during their teen years, but that was all a lie I created for my low self-esteem. I had lots of attention, but from all the wrong places. When they were 17 and 19, I hooked up with John the Pilot. Eventually, I introduced him to my kids and for a moment, they had a male role model, someone that seemed to show an interest in them, someone, especially my youngest seemed to be able to talk to and have a few laughs. Alas, I was wrong and discovered it was all an illusion.
I apologized to my kids when all was revealed. I honestly thought that I was finally showing them that a real relationship could be had, one filled with mutual love and respect, but I was wrong, once again, I was wrong. All I showed them was how easily their mother could be duped, time and time again. Neither one of my children have dated and odds are, that is because of me. I’ve never been able to lead by example in that department. I’ve taught them how to cook and fend for themselves, but I’ve never been able to teach them about being in a long-term relationship and for that, I am truly sorry.
However, now that my youngest is turning 29 he has decided that he is finally ready to move forward with his life. For the longest time, he did not speak of wanting to have a family, but now he does. I guess graduating and finding a job he enjoys, has made him feel like he is more worthy of being in a relationship. He ventured onto the internet and fortunately, all my sad follies taught him a few lessons about what to watch out for, so I believe he has managed to avoid some of the heartache I endured all those many years, when I went on careless adventures. I advised him to try a different type of dating site, but instead, he made a better choice and found a real live person that he already knew and went on a real date with the real person. Now, that course of action can lead to heartache as well, but I am very happy for him. He seems happy too and that is all a mother can ask for, for her children to be happy and healthy.
29. Twenty-nine looks much different from where I’m standing these days. I was living in the shadows at 29, but I had my kids and that was all that really mattered to me. Now that he is 29, he’s finally getting started with trying to live the life he hopes for. I was merely surviving and he is thriving. Maybe I didn’t do such a bad job after all, by being both parents for two kids. Maybe it taught them to not settle, to hold out for exactly what they want. Maybe all my mistakes showed them what not to do and therefore, they will find their way a little more easily than I. Maybe? Hey, I can dream, I always have and I always will, dream of a happily ever after for my kids and for me too. Even though I’m more financially stable these days, dreaming is free, I can afford that. It can be painful, but it’s worth it if even just one comes true.
Here’s to being 29 again and again and again until I get it right.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
Leave a Reply
Your email is safe with us.