“How are you?” That was the text message I received. I stood there and stared at the question wondering how to answer. I knew the answer would not be, “All good.” He knew that as well, and if I had said so, he would have called me a liar. So, I pondered for a moment and gave him an honest answer. “That’s a good question. One I may not be equipped to answer at this time. However, my kid made dinner and I do have blue cheese stuffed olives, so…maybe I can channel this conundrum into a story. So, I’ll give it shot.
Twenty hours ago, I would have been writing a different story, but now, at this moment I feel the need to tell you what I truly feel. How all this swirling mess is leading me to understand more about my life, my decisions and the decisions of others as to how we chose to live our lives. To say I’ve been angry for the past 35.5 years would be a start, but it may go beyond that time period, let me explain.
My mother died when I was 21 years old. I didn’t understand what was happening, why it was happening and who was to blame for what was happening. Looking back, I know she was not happy with the fact that we had cut her open in some feeble attempt to keep her body alive. She could not say the words, but the tears streaking down her cheeks as she laid there in some kind of unconscious state, told me so. I do remember saying out loud to her, “I’m sorry mom, but we had to try.” It was not what she had wanted. She had made a decision about the way she wanted to live her life, years before we could physically see what was happening to her and we dishonored her wishes. That was a decision that my father made, beyond my control, but I was on Dad’s side and I wanted her to live, I couldn’t let go, not now, not ever. That was not a decision for us to make and for that, I am sorry.
I have been battling with people who claim to love me, say that they care, but the truth of the matter is that they are not willing to let me live my life as I see fit. They do not understand my decisions and possibly, without realizing it, dishonor me with the words they say and write to me. I have made an educated decision as to how to live my life, mentally, physically and spiritually and people who claim to love me, continually dishonor my choices with their careless words. Oh, I can blame it on the alcohol or the loss of a football game, but the truth of the matter is, they are trying to belittle me, force me to make choices that I do not agree with.
Have I ever belittled them or tried to force them to make decisions that I would agree with? No, no I have not. I have tried to educate and support them, but I have never yelled at someone, threatened someone or embarrassed someone, to the best of my memory, to follow a path they do not choose to follow. All I ask, is for the same respect about my decisions as to how I choose to live my life. I have no regrets, I really don’t, except for not speaking my mind more freely when I have had people purposely try to hurt me, shame me, or disrespect me.
I can tell you about the saga I have been living for the past two years, the woes of the past week, but I will not burden you with those details. No, instead I chose to tell you about someone I know who made a decision 7 years ago to walk the path less traveled. For a time, she chose to not be around me because I doubted her choices and she did not want that negative energy around her. I didn’t understand, I was afraid, but she was strong and chose what was best for her and her situation. At some point, she was willing to give me another chance, to see if I was willing to make peace with her choices, and I was. So, our relationship picked up right where it had left off. I asked questions and she gave me answers that my small mind could understand. She asked questions as well, I’ll never know if my answers were adequate, but I do know that they were honest. She has tried to steer me into different life choices that frightened me, maybe now I will be able to embrace such rash thoughts, who knows, who knows.
When I received the text message answering my request for an audience, “No sweetie, I have moved to Florida. Let me catch up with you soon.” I knew in my heart what was happening, but I didn’t want to admit it. I thought, maybe she’s just done with all that’s going on in the world and finally made the move she had thought about for years. She tried to call me, but I was at work. When I asked for a second audience, she replied, “Someone is here now. We will find each other. No hurry.” For a moment, I received a reprieve. I thought, she’s okay, just got out of Dodge, but in my heart, I knew that was not the answer.
Today, we spoke. I received the audience I had been requesting. I received the audience while driving through the arboretum that I have always loved, but had disappointed me this day. Too much noise from the highway, not enough color change in the leaves on the west side of the park. I thought about not going back, ever because I was so disappointed. However, I was on the east side of the park when I spoke to my friend who called to tell me goodbye. She was good with the choices she had made and she was at peace. When our conversation ended, I pulled over to sob, but more so to take a picture of where I was when I learned of her farewell. I wanted to remember where I was when I said goodbye to my friend.
I told my friend that I loved her and that I would see her soon. I sent her a picture of where I was when I said goodbye to her, the person who has touched my life in so many ways. I sobbed and then I found peace because in that moment, I realized so many things, so many important things. I embraced her choices, her freedom of choice, my mother’s choices and my choices as well. I do not need to explain my choices to anyone, neither did she, nor my mother. If I have been angry or afraid, that is on me. If the people who claim to love me are angry or afraid of my choices, that is on them. It is not my burden to carry, it is theirs. All I ask, is to be left to live my choices, just like she has, just like my mother did.
Yes, I regret not knowing better about what was going on with my mother 35.5 years ago, but I was so young, so angry, so unaware. I’m glad I had a chance to learn from my friend, to move past the anger and the fear, to share in the knowledge of her choices and to learn that I don’t have to be angry or afraid of people who do not accept my choices. I need to let them process in their own way, to learn to live and let live and hopefully, come to love me no matter which way I choose to live.
I hope my friend has a chance to read this story, but if not, I know somehow, someway, she will know that I have honored her, I have learned from her and I will not be afraid or angry anymore. Thank you for being my friend and sharing your energy, your vibrations with me. I am the recorder and I will continue to share your story for years to come.
I’ll see you soon.
For the record, the answer to, “How are you?” I’m fine, always have been, always will be because I am truly blessed, I just forget from time to time.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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