Simply put, I cannot die. Everything in my life is so incredibly unorganized, I cannot leave such a mess for another to find or worst yet, decipher.
I am attempting to write this piece on a new laptop. My current one’s fan began to make noise, so I decided, I should not wait until the inevitable and be left with a piece a trash holding my life’s work hostage. I knew from past experiences to back up my work onto a flash drive, not some fancy backup system. Previously, when I have used a backup, I would find that my new computer would not be compatible and so much was lost, or at least, temporarily lost to me. I was able to find someone to help me back then, but these days, I fear that for the most part, I am on my own.
Because so much of our lives are now in a mysterious cloud somewhere, I have been able to power up this baby and find many settings familiar to me. However, when I hooked up my flash drive, I realized just how careless I have been in the past twenty-some years of using a computer. My files have files and they have files and there seems to be this never-ending labyrinth, that made total sense at the time, of just how unorganized I truly am.
Yes, buried deep within the layers of “documents” and “pictures” some poor soul will discover my past endeavors of exploring my sexuality. However, it will not come as a surprise to them, for I have warned my children that a future in politics would not be advisable due to their mother’s “expression” of her then found freedom. No matter, neither one has any interest, nor do I, in entering the mess that is out there.
Maybe someday I will revisit those “files” for shits and giggles and ponder, “How did I get here?” When I think back to those days, it was as if another soul took over my mind and body. I discovered parts of myself, deep dark recesses of my mind, that I never would have dreamed existed. Yes, those parts are saved somewhere in the old laptop and on that flash drive, but the reality is, that person is long gone, barely a memory and I am probably better off for the onset of amnesia.
Unfortunately, those are not the only items I have saved on the old laptop. Legal documents that I truly believed I had saved carefully…well, I was dumbfounded when I realized that I could not find them on the flash drive. I found myself having to use my newfound knowledge of “this PC” to find them on the old laptop, add them to the flash drive and then move them to the new laptop. I became woozy during this process and so, I decided to start cooking a stew. You see, computer work drains me, but physical work refreshes me. When I am upset, I find solace in cleaning or food prep. Peeling potatoes brings me peace as well as mopping and yardwork. I have confidence when doing those tasks and so my mind is at ease. Transferring files and downloading programs, not so much and so I begin to panic and cry. Peeling potatoes, I highly recommend, peeling potatoes for solice.
I have decided that I’ve done enough for the day, to preserve what is important to me. Truth be told, my kids could care less about all the thousands of photos I have taken. My blogs are safe, so anything beyond that is gravy. For today, I am done and instead I am putting my energy into making beef stew and typing this silly little note to the universe. I’m putting it out there, that simply put, I cannot die. I have way too much work left to do. So, until tomorrow or next week or possibly next month, I have done enough in my attempt to preserve my “files”. It’s time to stir my stew, while drinking a beer and not worry about tomorrow. I have a fairly clean house, the solar lights have been put away for the season and simply put, I am at peace writing this piece.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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