I have the most vivid dreams and I have often said, that if I could somehow record them, I would be a very successful filmmaker. There have been times when I have had a real-life experience of something I had dreamt previously, but for the most part, I often wonder if my dreams are a message I am to interpret and act on. Most would say that dreams are just our way of interpreting what we have already experienced and I can see that, but what if dreams hold the answers to the questions, we don’t even realize we have?
Last night, part of my dream was that reoccurring one I have mentioned before, where there is a hidden living space that extends beyond my basement as I know it. However, at one point, I ended up spying on men in an underground cavern of water. They were submerging themselves and when they came back up, they appeared to be younger. They were also trying to fill chalices with the water to take with them, but they could not, the water could not be held. Therefore, the fountain of youth could only be experienced by those who had been submerged in its magical waters.
When I awoke, I thought to myself, if I could find such a place, I would like to return to the age of 20. That was the age, for the one time in my life, I was what is considered an acceptable weight. I remember going on a theater trip to NYC with my community college group. While sitting at a Broadway performance, waiting for it to begin, someone who was part of my group remarked that they were stunned to realize that it was me sitting there. I was wearing a fabulous 80’s dress with big shoulder pads, big earrings, big hair and the big makeup to go with it. Even though I was a size 16, it was the thinnest I would ever be in my adult life and in that moment, I felt like a movie star.
That was 85 pounds ago. I may have been young and physically attractive, but I don’t recall being a good person at the time. I was definitely making some bad choices, but for a moment, I think I may have experienced joy, just a little bit. I was living my dream; I was happy to be going to school for theater and film and I had hopes of being a filmmaker/editor/writer. However, I was also completely self-absorbed. I had no idea what was going on with my mother’s poor health. I thought she was doing Weight Watchers with me, that’s all. I didn’t care that the man I was dating was married to wife number 2 and that karma would bite me in the ass by being wife number 3. Worst of all, I had absolutely no idea what was going on in the world at the time, but for that I am grateful. Ignorance is bliss, something I will never know again.
This morning, I thought to myself, if I could go back knowing what I know now, I would have worked harder to keep the weight off. My life would have been completely different…or would it? In the 80’s, one couldn’t be too rich or too thin and I certainly wasn’t too thin. I still hated myself, I was told by admirers of my weight loss to, “Keep going!” and in that moment, I knew that who I was, would never be enough, for anyone, ever. So, I began to compromise myself in hopes of being enough for someone, somewhere, someday, but all those compromises brought me more woes than not.
“Go back, go back, go back, go back to where you were.” These are the lyrics of a song from one of my kids’ favorite shows Blue’s Clues. They sing this song while trying to find something that was lost. I find myself thinking of this often. Go back. Go back. Go back? Go back to what, exactly? Fear, self-loathing, anger, callousness? Would I be a better person, the second time around? Go back to where you were? What would I find? I would find someone incredibly gullible, yet manipulative. I would find someone trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations and never realizing how miserable I was with every attempt. What have I lost? Low self-esteem. It’s a constant battle, but back then, I was void. Nowadays, I’m fairly good with who I am and I like who I see in the mirror, wrinkles and all.
Just like the men in my dream, not being able to fill their chalices, I cannot go back, no matter how much I wish and dream of a second chance, to make better choices, to be a better person, to be more aware of my surroundings and less self-absorbed. Also like the men in my dream, I cannot enjoy the innocence of youth knowing what I know now. I could only enjoy it while submerged in its magical waters. I suppose the question I didn’t realize I’ve been asking myself, that my dream was trying to answer is, why would you want to go back? Look at how far you’ve come. Okay, maybe I don’t look as nice as I once did, but I have developed into a person I believe my parents would be proud of. I’m not perfect, but I’m better than the 20-year-old version of myself and I need to remember that. I tend to forget about such things when struggling to button my jeans or climbing a flight of stairs.
Maybe in tonight’s dreams, I will figure out the secret to wanting to exercise and eat better. Maybe I’ll answer the burning question of what I want to be when I grow up. Or, maybe, just maybe mind you, I’ll discover the meaning of life and how I already am a shining example. Maybe.
#thelieswechoosetolifewith
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