Twenty-one years ago, a little movie named The Matrix touched my mind and soul. It made me think about reality in a whole different way. “There is no spoon.”, “I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.” and “Dodge this.” are just some of the mantras I have continued to echo throughout the decades. Watching the latest addition to the franchise, some moments early in the film really freaked me out. They made me wonder if I too, was living a psychotic episode, that reality was not as it seems. Then again, after seeing Sixth Sense I wondered if I was actually dead, but didn’t know it, so there’s that. I know, I’m quite malleable and I have this tendency to believe that the movies I’m watching are somehow trying to speak to me. Don’t even get me started about my dreams, let’s just say, I’m open to the possibilities. There, that sounds nicer.
I’ve always been confused by the difference between obsessive-compulsive and addictive behaviors. Both can be very destructive, but the main difference is urge versus need. I have urges to clean and rearrange furniture when I’m upset. I have urges to have two cocktails or two helpings of something I think is delicious, instead of just one. I have urges to exhaust myself in efforts to complete projects to the best of my abilities, “good enough”, is not an option. What do I need? I need to breathe, sleep, drink water, pay my bills and provide for myself a safe, warm, and dry place to live. Maybe I’m over simplifying things, but that’s pretty much how I roll. However, I also think I have a need to love.
Back in the day, I had a very strong urge to become a mother. The urge was so strong, I became obsessed with a man I should not have even considered touching with a ten-foot poll, but I honestly believed that he would be my only chance at motherhood and so I made it happen. I turned a blind eye to obvious red flags, so I could fulfil my urges and, I became a mom. However, that urge became a need to be a caregiver and to love. I have an addiction, an addiction to love. Just like Neo and Trinity in The Matrix, my addiction is a driving force in my life.
Another “Matrix” quote I find enlightening is, “It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity.” I believe the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Yep, I see the similarity. You see, no matter how many times someone I love disappoints me, usually with their addictive behavior, I can’t help myself, I still love them. No matter how many times they destroy everything in their path, sometimes, including myself, I still have a need to love them. One might argue that those are the symptoms of being an enabler, and they would be correct, but I also believe that they are the symptoms of being an obsessive-compulsive individual. I have a strong urge to try and help, to somehow make things better, easier for the source of my pain/love. I’ve done it time and time again, expecting different results and in there lies the insanity.
Fortunately, time and experience have been a cruel, yet effective teacher. I now know and completely embrace the whole, “Play with fire and you’ll get burned.” lesson. Therefore, I’m less likely to touch and more likely to stay a safe distance away and watch. I wait and watch, because I know in my heart, addictive people do not change, they never stop. They only pause for a moment, and it is only a matter of time, before the other shoe will drop. No amount of love can change that and to believe so, is insane.
No matter how strong my urge is to believe that anything is possible, that I can somehow influence the ones I love to walk through the doors I show them, I know in the end, my urge is no match for their addiction. They may be able to use “bullet time” to avoid all the love I shoot their way, they may not even realize what I’m doing because I am so still, waiting and watching to see if indeed, the other shoe does drop. However, it remains my most sincere hope, that my urge to exhaust myself in doing my best, will lead to the time I get to say, “Dodge this.” and they won’t.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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