I remember being in my twenties and thinking, it would be so much easier if someone would just tell me what to do. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had received a college scholarship, so I went to college. During the first year, I changed my major five times and decided to drop out of school. I went to work in a bank. It didn’t take me long to realize that I didn’t want to do that the rest of my life, so I got another scholarship and went back to school…fine arts. Yeah, I know, what was I thinking, but for a heartbeat I was happy. Then, my mom died and well, as they say, the rest is history.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been conflicted with the notion of, “Just tell me what to do.” vs. “Don’t tell me what to do!” I thought it would be so nice if someone had a plan for my life that I could follow and live “happily ever after”. You know, this is what you should go to school for, so you can have this career, meet this man, have a family and be happy. Well, I don’t think there was a person brave enough on earth to tell me that, because I would have boldly retorted, “Don’t tell me what to do!” That was my teenaged catch phrase, something my father through back at me repeatedly, especially when I had to be his caregiver. It was funny, but then again, not.
I’ve always been a rule follower. I remember when I went to a high school homecoming football game a year after I had graduated and I ran into an old friend. He was floored when I told him that I had dropped out of school. “You?!” Yeah, me. I always did what I was told to do, when I was told to do it, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. Well, at least that was the way I remembered it at the time, but truth be told, that wasn’t the truth. I think I’ve always “tried” to do what I was told to do. I always “tried” to be a good kid, make my mom happy (she was always crying from what my siblings were doing with their lives), but in reality, I think it was just easier to do what I thought folks wanted me to do. I didn’t have many friends, so I hung out with more adults and well, they seemed pleased with me when I was a good student, well behaved and quiet. However, that’s not the Gail my folks had to live with.
The Gail my folks lived with had a mouth on her. How many times was I told that children should be seen and not heard? Well, I was seen and heard, but at the same time, I did try to make my mom happy and do what I thought she would like me to do, but I wasn’t too good at it. I wasn’t a pretty little thing, didn’t wear dresses at all after a certain age and like I said, I had a mouth on me. What was I trying to prove? I really don’t recall, but I do know that overall, I was a good kid because I didn’t have a curfew and I don’t ever recall being grounded, because I just didn’t want to do the sorts of things that made parents feel like they had to lay down the law. I liked getting home, I always have. I’m a homebody/loner, end of story.
So, back to wishing someone would tell me what to do with my life, how I thought it would make things easier for me. Nope, nobody every did. I had to figure out things on my own. I truly believe that being the fourth child and a bonus baby to boot, by the time I rolled around, my folks had learned that telling me what to do just wasn’t going to cut it. Whatever they told my siblings to do, backfired on them, so basically, I was rouge. Not that I was out there causing trouble, I just did what made me happy at that moment, not really thinking about the future and maybe that wasn’t the best move, but it was all I could figure out on my own.
So, now I’m supposed to be all grown up, doing what I’m meant to be doing in this life of mine, but quite honestly, there are still days where I wish someone would just tell me what to do. However, the reality is, please don’t, it pisses me off.
I really hate it when people try to tell me what to do, especially these days when I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. I do my research; I ask for advice and I come up with a decision on my own. Popular or not, it’s mine and mine till death do us part. I’m not going to apologize for my choices, good, bad or indifferent, they are mine, end of story. Still, I really wish some astrological chart could definitively tell me where to be when so I could live happily ever after, if even such a thing exists.
No, unfortunately, I’m still out here, bumbling along, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, if that ever comes to pass. I have somewhat of a plan, but I pretty much still just do things that make me happy when I want to do them. Somehow, I always find a way to do that, like going to chef school or therapeutic massage school (yes, I know, I don’t do either of those things for a career any longer, but I did for a time and yes, it did make me happy). I may not have gone about it the right way, but I wanted children more than anything and I do have children. I wanted to write and I do have this little blog going, someplace to place my thoughts to the universe, just in case anyone else is wondering what’s going on inside this crazy head of mine.
So yes, I have had a couple of dirty martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives, extra olives please, but in all honesty, I feel stone cold sober. This is just how my mind works, and I am blessed to have the typing skills to type at the speed of my crazy ass thoughts, so … a word of advice, don’t tell me what to do, but then again, someone, please just tell me what to do. Or, well, at least we can chat about it over cheesecake, yeah, I made one the other day, because I can and I make a damn good cheesecake because well, I went to chef school at one point. Or maybe, we can chat as I rub your shoulders and get that kink out of your neck because I did go to school and was a licensed therapeutic masseuse for a moment. While we’re at it, we can talk about my kids and how glad I brought them into existence. Then, we can talk about what I’m going to do next, I’m open to ideas, of what to do with this life of mine. How I’m going to earn three times as much working half as much and how I will do it being gloriously happy while helping others at the same time.
So, what’s it going to be? Tell me what to do, but please, don’t tell me what to do.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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