Stitches

A week ago, I had an accident and wrote about it in my blog titled The Tendon is Exposed.  However, I do not believe I touched upon the other lessoned learned from the experience. 

I am an enabler.  That is why, I believe, I attract so many people with addictive behaviors.  It’s not just a matter of drugs and alcohol, it includes repetitive behaviors and attitudes as well.  The simple fact that I felt compelled to try and break the fall of the dish with my hand leads me to believe that I too may exhibit addictive behaviors as well. 

Why I have always had the need to try and save everyone from their own destructive behavior is beyond me, but I think it goes much deeper than that.  I think I have a need to save everything.  The fact that I still have my mother’s communion veil, bag, and the other religious paraphernalia, the fact that I cannot let them go. along with my Irving Wildcats pencils, Morton West green and white Booster Club poms, etc…  Why do I have a need to save everything?

One may think, it’s a way of hanging onto the memories, but the reality is, the memories will not fade if I no long have the items they are based on.  I think it goes much deeper than that.  I mean, why did I instinctually put my hand in harms way when common sense dictated that I couldn’t save that dish, not really.  Why do I continue to try and control what I cannot?  Furthermore, why do I let the things I cannot control bother me so much?

One such case is how I ended up in therapy over three years ago.  A situation way beyond my control was eating me up alive.  In hindsight, I now know that it was not the only thing that was driving me into a deeper and deeper depression, because two months into it, the truth about John the Pilot revealed itself.  Still, it is my need to save and protect that hurts me time and time again.

However, today I had an “Aha moment”.  Due to the pending snow storm, my younger son stayed home from work, allowing him to join me in therapy.  It’s been a while since he was able to do so and I was looking forward to him joining me.  We talked about him, his work and his relationships and we talked about me, my work and my hand and what I came up with was a serious awakening.

Listening to him talk, his responses to our therapist’s questions made me realize that even though I didn’t think I was getting my message across to him with some of the choices he has been making, I have.  I also realized that he is making some sound choices and that quite honestly, I think he’s a better person than I can ever hope to be. 

Listening to myself, I realized that I have been making decisions based on instincts rather than just on what I am told to do.  For the most part, the medical advice on treating my hand didn’t make sense to me and like I’ve done before, with much more serious health issues, my instincts did not betray me.  I’m doing just fine even though I got my hand wet, many, many times and I will continue to get my hand wet for the duration of my healing process, because that is what feels good to me.  Keeping it all wrapped up was not only confining, it was smelly.  I didn’t take all of the antibiotics, because I feed my immune system and I’m doing well.  In a nut shell, I’m smarter than I think.

Earlier in the day, my son was having regrets about not going to work today because we didn’t see the snow.  However, once it kicked in, he understood that he would have been driving home in that mess, possibly endangering his safety and that he indeed made the right choice.

Seeing my hand, stitch free, healthy skin, though still tender, I knew I had made the right choices in my own person health care and I was going to be fine. 

Listening to my son explain his choices with work and relationships, I now realize he is going to be fine.

Am I suddenly going to toss my mother’s communion veil, my Irving Wildcats pencils and green and white poms, hell no!  However, I know that if I do, I will be fine.

I don’t have to save the world, or maybe, I already have, at least my little part of it.  My actions and words have been seen and heard, even though I didn’t realize it.  I may still put myself in situations that are not the best for me, but I am doing it with good intentions and because of that, I’m going to be fine.

Here’s hoping, when the time comes, that I will be able to let go of the “stuff” I need to without regret and that I will no longer put myself in harm’s way to save things, not worth saving. 

I’ve done a good job, and in the end, I’m going to be fine, even if I got my stitches wet, numerous times.

#thelieswechoosetolivewith