You’re probably familiar with the old saying that children should be seen and not heard. Big surprise, I had a need to be heard. Time and time again, I was getting in trouble for my big, fat mouth, but I simply had a need to be heard, still do. If you’re familiar with my story, I began this blog due to my need to be heard. If not, go back and please read the “About Me” page and you’ll probably enjoy my writing that much more. Anywho…
I have never been comfortable with being seen. I’ve always been a fat girl and became the fat girl with glasses at the age of eleven, which made me want to be even more invisible. I did my best to blend in, but my mouth kept getting me into trouble or worse yet, made me seen.
Recently, I did a Facebook live video for work on skin care. I had a lot to say, but I wasn’t certain that I would be comfortable with the being seen part. I agree, I have nice skin and I was interested in sharing my tips, but I wasn’t certain that I would be comfortable with the possible backlash I have received in the past, not just as a child or teen, but even when I began internet dating. Let’s just say that high school never ends, nay, grade school never ends and the bullies grow up and go onto dating websites and say mean things, just because they can.
However, I was pleasantly surprise when viewing the video of myself. Of course, I knew the tricks of the trade and framed part of myself to be off screen therefore giving the illusion of being smaller than I am, but while watching it, I wasn’t sickened to my stomach like I thought I would be. Yes, I am a big beautiful woman, better known as a BBW, and I have grown to be comfortable in my own skin, but to see myself in a video, I have to say, I didn’t hate it. In fact, I thought I was good and that I even looked nice. Yes, the hair gods blessed me with a good hair day, but damn it, I looked good and I was proud to share the link with others and who’d a thought, they agreed.
This whole experience was a lot for me to process and I knew I would need time before I was able to write about it. In the meantime, I was blessed to watch the HBO Max series “Julia”, a series about Julia Child. If you’re like me, you may have known her cooking show and the SNL skit where Dan Ackroyd parodied her making her appear to be a comical lush. I had no idea that she actually was quite well educated and didn’t begin her public career until her fifties. I also had no idea that she had been 6’2” in statue and had been a sports enthusiast in her youth. Damn, what an interesting woman and all I had known was that she was considered to be a loud lush.
I went on YouTube and watched her original first episode of the “The French Chef” and damn, me being a cook myself, I could see how incredibly beneficial her series was to those who wanted to learn how to cook. I found myself rejuvenated and wanting to explore my long-lived desires to cook. I made a soup, not uncommon for me, but I found myself exploring all the different nuances of the ingredients I was using and knew that I needed to add something, something, but what could it be? So, I Googled some recipes and aha, lemon! What I wanted to add was lemon, my goodness it was exciting to cook something so basic, but add a flare to it! I had forgotten how much I enjoy cooking!
Then I had a thought, I still own the domain 2PhatGirls.com, maybe it’s time to do something with it, not just a podcast, but something visual? Maybe it’s time for my friend and I to embrace who we are, two phat girls to be exact, and be seen and heard. Maybe? How? What? Where and when would we be able to do this? I don’t know, but it was exciting to think about. For the first time in a long time, I was excited about the idea of letting people see who I am, who I really am. And then…
I had a vivid memory of the death of my father, the day they took his body from the house, rigor mortis had set in and no one told me to leave the room. I watched them struggle to removed my father’s bagged body from the house as I clung to my brother, sobbing…in horror. And then…
I went to work and I called my mentor and told him that I needed some motivational thought to help me get through the day. I told him about how I had found myself doing shopping therapy in order to help fill the holes in my life. He told me that $150 wasn’t that much and that I shouldn’t concern myself with it, but then I told him about how I wanted to purchase more. He didn’t seem to understand and told me that it was okay. I tried to explain further, “You don’t understand, there was a coupon!!!” and he laughed. He laughed so hard, I had to laugh as well. I told him, “You think I’m being funny, but I’m serious.” which made me laugh even harder. And then…
I pulled into the parking lot at work. There is a spot I consider to be my parking spot and in this empty parking lot, someone had to take my spot! It forced me to park where I would witness some asshole’s trash of food thrown onto the street. I was so angry, I hate litter bugs, but what made the situation worse, was that the seagulls (why are there seagulls where there is no sea, but I digress) were desperate, so desperate to claim those cold, grease-soaken fries that they were risking their very lives to get them. As they claimed their prize, while taking off in flight, they were narrowly missing cars zooming down the street. I noted that it was crazy, that they were willing to risk their lives, driven to get those French fries, most likely food that would get them sick and how crazy it was, to my mentor. He said that he thought there was a metaphor there and I asked him to text me so I would remember our conversation, so I could write about it. I asked him to text me, “Seagulls diving for French Fries.” And then…
He sent me the text, but he noted that he almost accidently texted, “seagulls driving” and found a GIF to go with it. I wrote back, “And he finds an image to support that thought, now that’s talent!” With that, my heart was lightened. And then…
A car hit our store. Yes, that’s right, a car sped across the street, hit a parked car, jumped the curbs and smashed into our store. Thankfully, no one was hurt and we were able to open for business, but the whole experience took, mostly likely years off of my pacemaker’s batteries. Fortunately, I have an appointment in two weeks, actually on the 8th anniversary date of me receiving it. I was told that I was dealing with allergies and if I hadn’t questioned their diagnosis, I wouldn’t be sitting here, drinking wine, and writing to you right now. And then…
I poured myself some more wine and thought, fuck! Did I really drink that much wine already? Have I let the delicious I prepared get cold? Would Julia Child allow a delicious meal to get cold? Hell no! So, I sliced some of my perfectly cooked port tenderloin and scooped some of my smashed, perfectly seasoned red pototoes, fuck the broccoli I nuked,and had something to eat before I finish the fabulous bottle of Cocobon. Damn, I am a good cook! Why am I single? Oh yeah, I forgot, I’m the fat girl with glasses, right, got it. And then…
I remember, I’m a BBW who can cook and by the way, was a licensed massage therapist. Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, I should be seen and hear and maybe, that’s what I will do. And then…
And then, she realized that life is good and to be cherished. Fuck the broccoli!
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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