Have you ever dared to believe something was really going to happen? You allowed yourself to get excited about an upcoming event. Something that you haven’t been able to do for years, may finally come to pass. Then, the weather forecast changes and you receive an email, and a phone call, and then the shit show begins, dashing your plans. The plans you’ve allowed yourself to believe, the plans you’ve allowed yourself to get excited about, may now not happen. What do you do when it all begins to fall apart? You actually allowed yourself be happy, hopeful and excited? What were you thinking?
I can’t even begin to tell you, how many times this has happened in my life and yet, I’m still here, I still dare to believe that somehow, someway, all that I hope for will come to me, just as I planned. However, today was a serious challenge to that belief and I almost allowed it to take me down…almost. You see, I am a firm believer in “Plan the work. Work the plan.” a motto I picked up being a Boy Scout leader. I haven’t been able to take time off from work in years, literally years and next week, I’m supposed to be on vacation, but maybe not, because once again, someone else’s actions may dash my attempts to step away from my livelihood for a whole seven days, in a row!
I wasn’t surprised, so that is why I wrote the schedule, as best I could to cover the possibility of this happening. However, there were two days, Monday and Tuesday that I had no other options. So, I may have to cut my vacation short, to cover the needs of the business. Some may say, ask for help, have someone from another store cover the shifts. Yeah, I’m not that person. It would be one thing if I had plane tickets or something, but I don’t. No, all I’ve been dreaming about, and you’re going to think I’m nuts (odds are, you already do), but all I want to do, is work on my backyard.
I bought two new raised garden beds and setting them up, will be no easy task because first, I will have to remove the old ones. Heavy labor indeed, so I looked at the weather reports and asked for my son to take off of work and my brother to come to town to help me on Monday. It was supposed be 70 and sunny, but that changed. Then, my brother and I agreed that him spending the whole week at my home would probably not be the best plan, so I told him, not to worry about it. My son and I were going to do the work ourselves, but then, I got the email and there was a strong possibility, no matter how much I was willing I was to dig out garden beds in the rain, I would have to cover a shift on Monday.
To say I was angry would be a gross understatement, but me being me decided to continue to plan the work and work the plan. So, I started making phone calls and ran the errands I wanted to do on Tuesday, today. This included another trip to the Orland Park Bakery for more cream cheese/strawberry filled paczki. The lady behind the counter said, “Only eight more days.” To which I responded, “Don’t make me sad.” I stopped at the seafood place I discovered this year on my annual trek to the bakery. I treated myself to a perfectly prepared fish sandwich and took a bag of shrimp and a lobster roll to go. It was expensive, but I wanted it, so yeah, I spent some good money at The Original Island Shrimp House and you should too.
After that, I found a location in Palos Heights that sells my beloved Ham of Hope. I was so excited to go and share my story of how there is always hope and sometimes, if you’re lucky, it comes in the shape of a spiral cut, honey baked ham, wrapped in foil. I left in tears, of course, but I had my Easter ham and other goodies I was eager to try. If you’re in the market for cured meats, please do check out Chicagoland Ham, seriously great eats.
Along the way home, I stopped for some groceries and checked my emails. My landscaper had sent me one asking if I was interested in spring cleaning. I had actually been thinking about them and how they may be able to help me with my garden bed project. Maybe I could still get the help I needed. I was wondering how I was going to get the tree branches, yard waste and soil I needed to build these deeper beds. It wouldn’t hurt to ask, right? So, I sent an email asking for help and finished my shopping.
When I got home, I made more phone calls, left messages and wrote more emails trying to keep my plans alive. In the meantime, I ate some shrimp, started laundry and decided that I needed to lie down. Everything that has happened in the past few days, the culmination of all the stress inducing moments, moments that I’m certain have shorten the battery life of my pacemaker, took a toll. I laid there thinking, “Why did I think this was going to happen? Why did I think I would actually get to take a vacation and do what I want, when I want?” I laid there for a moment, staring at my pink flamingo covered walls, thinking how well I managed to arrange them without any real planning at all, it just happened. Sometimes, there doesn’t need to be a plan. Sometimes, things happen as they should.
I turned to my side and closed my eyes and passed out for what seemed like a heartbeat, but it was more like a half hour. I got up and got back to work. I checked the weather forecast and Thursday looked like a better day to work in the yard so I sent a text to my son asking if he could change the day, he took off from work to help me. I emailed the landscaper asking if materials could be dropped off on Thursday and, I ate a paczki, I’m surprised that I was able to wait as long as I did before I devoured one.
While getting ready to speak to my therapist, I was able to confirm a number of arrangements, but not all. I told him of all the harrowing events of the past two weeks since I didn’t get to talk to him last week because, you guessed it, I had to work an extra day so I could meet the needs of the business and still do the Facebook Live video on skin care. I told him about how I didn’t hate seeing myself in a video and about the Julia Child series I was watching, how it was affecting me and then I told him about the car hitting the store and all of the “And then…” moments I’ve been having. I dried my tears and then…my son came home and joined in the session. The telling of his tedious trek home made us all laugh. Then, my therapist brought the conversation back to me be more willing to allow myself to be seen, a big moment in his estimation, a turning point for me. It may be, but that remains to be seen (no pun intended).
I still don’t know about Monday and Tuesday, but I do know that I will be able to take five days off, in a row! I know that I will have help from my son and brother on Thursday, rain or no rain. I do know that I have a Ham of Hope in house to share with my family. And, while writing this piece, I checked my email and surprisingly, my new garden fountain was delivered early. I hadn’t planned on seeing it till Tuesday. I stopped writing to retrieve it, grabbed my box cutter and after fighting with the Styrofoam and packing tape, I am happy to announce that it arrived safely. It’s not the fountain I had planned to purchased, but after all the exhausting internet searches, I finally said fuck it and pressed the button, hoping for the best. I think it will work, it’s not what I had planned, but I can work this fountain. I can find just the right spot to place it, find the balance, the arrangement that somehow will reveal itself to me in the process of building a new space for me. It may not happen on the day I planned or how I planned, but it will happen, because I’m allowing myself to believe it to be true. I’m excited to see how it all works out, maybe not on Monday or even Thursday, but it will happen, because I’m willing to let go of the plan. Instead, I’m curious, what the universe have planned for me?
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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