When I work the closing shift, I live my day in reverse. What would normally be evening chores, become morning chores, watering my garden is one of those chores. However, I really shouldn’t refer to the deed as a chore, because it gives me time to reflect, to notice more and explore my thoughts and emotions.
With the extreme heat of yesterday, I knew my garden needed some serious watering this morning. I always give the raised beds and potted flowers what they need, but this morning, I gave the ferns and day lilies a good long drink too. While doing so, I noticed that the zucchini plant, in one of the raised beds, has flowers. How exciting it is to watch my garden grow! Those plants are over three feet tall, beasts taking over the raised bed. I put up a staking fence to try and rein them in, I also have cucumbers in there trying to find the light of day.
While watering another grove of ferns, I reflected upon a terra cotta angel, maybe a fairy, that if memory serves me, used to be painted to resemble tarnished copper, but my dad had spray painted her white. Don’t even get me started with how many of my items in the backyard, my dad would spray paint white out of boredom, infuriating! I have left her out year-round and the many years of rain and snow have worn most all of the variety of colors she has been off, revealing her original terra cotta surface.
A few years ago, I managed to break off a part of one of her wings. I decided that instead of tossing her, I would place her in areas where the broken wing would be leaning against a fence, hiding her brokenness of sorts. I thought she looked more intriguing that way, nestled within the lush greens, instead of just broken. I often thought of her as being a reflection of myself, with a strong desire to simply be left alone, not having to explain herself to anyone. Always present, observing, but not comfortable with interacting with others.
There was just something about this garden statue, I was drawn to from the moment I saw her at the store and I didn’t want to let her go. With me remodeling the backyard this year, I thought about putting her in the basement, I wasn’t certain that she belonged anymore. I’m so glad I didn’t. Instead of hiding her, I built a little setting around her. I gave her a beautiful and safe place to contemplate whatever it is a garden angel contemplates. I always notice her, staring into the nothingness and wonder what she may see that I can only dream of.
I know that she has a good view of the lily of the valley that return every year. My old Bohemian neighbor from my childhood had a magnificent garden and she planted them decades ago. Every year, they never disappoint me with the brief moment those tiny white bells fill the air with their fragrance. I also know that she has been witness to the storms that flood my basement and force me to use a little sump pump, running the hose out of the window and flooding the sidewalk within her gaze. Mostly though, she has watched my family grow, children running in and out of the backyard, roller skating, shoveling snow, leaving home, but always returning to me.
While reviewing the photos I took of her today, I felt the need to crop the images. I just couldn’t get them to reflect what I see when I look at her. I took some of her within her setting at a distance and then more up-close, but I couldn’t capture the feeling I have when I look at her. I tried different filters, that got me a little bit closer to what I wanted to see. Oddly enough, the one that felt the most honest is one called “cartoon”. However, that still wasn’t enough. I kept cropping and cropping, I wanted the photo to show everyone what I could see, what I feel when I look at her. Maybe only leave a piece of the wing in the image? Less of the foliage? Less of the body? Focus on the face, her chin down, peering into nothingness and seeing what I dream of seeing, that did the trick.
Then, I really looked at this statue’s face. For the first time, I could see what I could only dream of seeing before. It may be all in my imagination, I do have a very powerful one you know, but I finally saw why I have been so smitten with this broken angel for decades. I finally saw why I couldn’t toss her or put her in the basement, she would have been very disappointed in me if I had done so. When I finally took a moment, while watering the lush greens that surround her, as she contemplates, whatever it is that a garden angel contemplates, I saw what dreams may come.
I have always doubted the statement that she has never left me, but now I’m more likely to believe it to be true. Always watching me tend to the yardwork while my cigar smoking dad supervised, watching my children grow into strong people that would one day leave me, but always return, watching me cry, laugh and dream. Did I break her wing so she couldn’t go or did she choose to stay because she knows how much I still need her? I will always need her; I just didn’t get a chance to tell her in person. Hopefully, she knows, but I don’t want to hold her captive, she deserves better than that, she deserves to be free.
Thank you for never leaving me, but it’s okay, you can go now, I’ll be alright. Dad knew that, he had a chance to see firsthand, something you chose or were cheated out of, to not see for yourself, I’ll never know the answer to that question, but it’s okay, it’s okay… I’m not mad anymore. I was forced to grow into the woman I hope you would be proud of because you left so soon, but it’s okay, it’s okay. Thank you for watching over me, your family and the garden as we grew and continue to grow.
I love you mom.
#thelieswechoosetolive with.
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