On Netflix, there is a miniseries titled Outlaws. I started watching it because Christopher Walken is in it and I’ve had a crush on this creepy sex symbol since The Deer Hunter. Early on in, I was uncomfortable watching it because of the subject matter. It’s basically a British dark comedy, something I’m not really fond of, but like I said, I’m drawn to Christopher Walken, so I kept watching the series, even though it made me uncomfortable.
In a nutshell, the subject matter is theft and drug dealing and how these folks all ended up doing community service together. None of them are truly good people, victims of the system, but they are not pure evil either. I kept watching in hopes of some coming-to-Jesus moment that would stop the madness, but the story kept getting more and more twisted. I tried to stop watching it, because of how uncomfortable I was, but I needed to have some closure.
I decided to go to the last episode of season 2. I figured I was halfway into the season and if I knew how it all ended, I could walk away. As it turned out, it was a short season and there were only 2 episodes left, so I decided to just deal with the discomfort and hope for the best.
It was all a bit unrealistic, but they did give me the sort of happy ending I was hoping for. However, I’m still feeling uncomfortable because I’ve had some experience with this subject matter and I know that there is no happy ending to be had. One way or another, the reality of what these people have done will catch up with them. Maybe not the law, but the unsavory characters aren’t just going to go away and let the “heroes” go unpunished.
Why am I writing about this? Because part of me still wants John the Pilot to pay for what he did to me and others as well. Part of me wants to text him the link to my blog to let him know that I have written about what he did, but what good would that do? It might open up a can of worms best left alone and bring me more grief than relief. The fact that I think about doing this from time to time makes me wonder, am I one of the people serving community service or am I one of the truly unsavory characters that when given the opportunity, will do them in?
I think the problem is that I lack closer. I never got the answers I was looking for and I never will. Even if I were to see him again, I know that he is incapable of speaking the truth. Or, if he did find the strength to tell me the truth, I would never believe him because of all that happened. The other thought I have about my discomfort in watching this series is that my ex-husband never really paid for his crimes either. Evidence was lost and he had his record expunged. I told him to think of it as a gift from God, not a lucky break, but he didn’t. I have no idea what he’s up to these days either and it’s probably better that way.
Still, the lack of closer plagues me and others as well. However, there truly is nothing to be done, no words can mend the wounds, no actions can close the chapters. My eldest, while young, once said about his absent father, that he was like a ghost sitting behind him. Sometimes he was there and other times, he was not. Watching Outlaws was a trigger for me. Oddly enough, one of the characters in the show has a ghost haunting her as well, until she does the right thing, making up, at least a little bit, for her wrong doing that she was never punished for in her youth. It makes me wonder, what is my wrong doing and will I ever be able to do something to make up for it?
What was my wrong doing? I’m not a saint, but is there something I’m still paying for? What did I do, that was so heinous that I cannot forgive myself? See, that’s the real problem. I don’t think that I did something that I need to apologize to someone else, well, maybe there is, but the larger matter is that I did something that I cannot forgive myself. Maybe it’s a number of things, all culminating into one fiery ball of hell and I’m the one who is forever relentless about seeking revenge…on myself. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Why did I watch this miniseries? Damn you, Christopher Walken! Oh bother, I know what I need, “More cowbell!”
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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