My brother became a mythical figure to me when he left for the Air Force. He was my hero, I assigned so much value to him, I honestly thought he could fix everything, plus make me laugh.
He could walk through the house on his hands. He could rebuild beat up sports cars and sell them for profit. He would let me get in a few punches before standing on a hassock and pinning me to the ceiling, just to scare the hell out me. He would make me feel special in many different ways with the attention he paid me and then, he was gone.
There actually were times that I forgot he existed. I was a little kid, at home with mom and dad and he was traveling around the world. Sometimes, he would come to visit and bring me a gift from those travels. One gift was a silver ladybug necklace from Mexico, another, a gold ID bracket that I cherish to this day. However, the most precious gift he would give me was his attention, even if it was him picking on me, it made me smile.
Maybe I didn’t appreciate the women in his life out of jealousy, but the girlfriend he joined the Air Force for, so he would be able to support her, broke up with him shortly after he enlisted for a four-year stint. He didn’t have the luxury of changing his mind, but he made the best of it. He kept reenlisting and met wife number one. A woman very much his senior, in poor health and had two teenaged daughters. I know, WTF dude, but fortunately, that was short lived. When wife number two came along, I wasn’t thrilled, but he seemed happy. When she gave him his first-born child, I know for a fact, that event made him very happy.
I’m not going to go into all the sordid details, all the trials and tribulations, but I will share that my brother had a drinking problem. It recently came to my attention that it most likely began at the age of 13. Although, under the influence, he managed to support a wife and three children, enjoy the benefits of a military career, full and part-time and continued to fix everything while making people laugh.
Most of the time, I had to share my brother with his family, but on the rare occasion that I had a private audience, it was beautiful. Long meaningful phone conversations, a few visits in person, when I didn’t have to share his attention with anyone, meant the world to me. I felt important, I felt heard, I felt loved.
As the years rolled on, his drinking seemed to have a life of its own. I would try to talk to him, reason with him, threaten him, but I always knew that the only one who could change him, was himself. Eventually, I had to step away, I couldn’t watch the brother I loved so much self-destruct. Fortunately, we managed to reconnect four months ago when one of his children told him to call me. He was sober, but so sad for it. I’ve been told that he felt like he was in prison when he wasn’t drinking. He seemed happy enough, living with his one of his children, maybe this was going to be a turning point for him, I had a moment of hope, we all did. However, it was short lived.
My brother passed away two weeks ago. He left this world on his terms. His tortured soul is now free. I had a selfish thought, that maybe now, I will be able to have more of those one-on-one conversations with him, but on a different level. I’m not saying that I will see him, or hear him, but I like to think that I will feel him. I can imagine him scratching his head, trying to figure out something, or laughing at one of my stories. Better yet, I can remember and almost relive the times he paid me some of the best compliments of my life. When I became a professional baker, he visited the restaurant I was working at and after tasting something I had made he said, “I think you have finally found your calling.” However, the best thing he ever said to me was, that he felt our dad had led a charmed life, all that he had done and then, the part I’ll never forget, “…and, he had you to take care of him.” Words cannot express how much that statement meant to me, coming from my brother, after all that has been, he was had been paying attention to me and was pleased.
Be happy big brother, after all, that’s all there really is to be. I love you. We’ll chat soon.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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