In her final years, my Aunt Ginger adopted a response to most every comment, “Who Cares?” Now, I don’t know if she said that throughout most of her life, but I noticed its increased use during our visits as her health declined. Was it her way of accepting an approaching transition? Maybe, or maybe it was a message to all that would listen, a message of profound truth, a message to learn how to let go.
As of late, I am learning to let go more frequently. I am embracing the fact that so much is beyond my control. Truly, the only thing I have control over, is myself. Just the other day, I stumbled upon a draft email that I never intended to send, but I hadn’t even finished writing. I began it two years ago and upon reading it, I realized just how much I have been able to let go. The subject matter was Michael, a man I wrote about in a blog many moons ago, a man who toyed with me, a man I allowed to toy with me for over 14 years. Thinking about him still makes me smile, he was my drug of choice, our banter was amazingly titillating, but it was just a game. He would disappear for months, nay years and a simple “Hello.” from him on my chat screen would make my heart soar.
I honestly believed that Michael was the love of my life, if he would just come to his senses, he would choose me. He said that he loved me and that he wanted to marry me. The clincher was that he couldn’t wait for me to meet his mother, lies that I ate up, time and time again. I wanted to believe, I needed to believe that someone wanted me as much, if not more than I wanted them. I had never felt so desired in my entire life. I know, I sound pathetic, but I wanted the dream to be real, just like I wanted my now ex-husband to truly love me, just like I wanted John the Pilot to truly love me, but alas, no one has ever truly loved me. No one has ever loved me enough to fight for me. The men in my life always walk away, I’ve been a convenience, I’ve allowed myself to be a convenience. I’m not the victim here, just the fool.
In the few “relationships” I have experienced, I have been the farmer, the tiller, the one who manages the weeds and fertilizer, the one who tends the garden. I recently watched a YouTube video about mulching. The video had a religious tone about it, but it made sense to me. It reminded me of that country song, Jesus Take the Wheel or something like that. The kernel of knowledge that I derived was that mulching is like believing in God. Basically, one should not till or fertilize, one should not be trying to control or manipulate the soil, just let it be and it will serve you well. Hmmm, I like the idea of less work, so that is the plan for Groovy Gail’s Garden this year. Once the plants have taken root, I plan to mulch, preferably with some free mulch I’ve been reading about, and let nature take its course. I want to work smarter, not harder and that means learning to let go.
Anytime I have tried to control a situation, be it child rearing, relationships, any type of relationships, cooking, gardening, etc. I end up being frustrated and not pleased with the results. However, when I let my kid dictate to me when he was ready to potty train, when I’ve been quiet or walked away from a relationship that does not serve me well or when I thrown a bunch of ingredients into a pot without following a recipe, I have seen favorable results.
Sometimes I feel like folks think that I’m not doing anything to remedy a situation, but the reality is, my lack of manipulation usually allows people do to themselves what I wish for them to do. I don’t like to micromanage at work or in life, no one truly wants to be told what to do and if they do, I think that’s a problem, hence my resistance to organized religion and military service. I will follow orders, but I want to know why and that why part, is usually what gets me into trouble. Eh, whatever…who cares, right?
I couldn’t make Michael come to me, love me for reals, so it’s best that I walk away and close that chapter of my life of wanting something I simply cannot have. I don’t consider it defeat; I consider it intelligence. I have stopped chasing men; they don’t like to be chased anyway; life has taught me that lesson very well. No, I think I will follow the lesson the mulching guy was trying to tell me for over an hour. It’s best that I don’t try to control a situation. If something is meant to be, it will come to me.
Did I ever tell you about how God communicated to me through my lingerie? I probably did, but the story bears repeating. You see, when my marriage ended, I was broke, I was beyond broke and my bras were literally shredding. I didn’t have the means to buy a new bra and I was horrified that I was going to be walking around like a whore, that’s what my mother would have called me if I dared to walk around in public without wearing a bra. Then I had thought, I had a box of “skinny” clothes in the back of the closet and if there was even one bra in that box that fit me, I would be okay. I dug out that box and lo and behold, there was one bra that fit me. This is when I realized, everything I need, I have. It’s the things that I want that get me into trouble. I am provided for, somehow, someway, anything I truly need presents itself to me. Call it what you like, but I like to think that that is God.
I know it’s not easy, but just like in this movie I recently watched on Netflix where the guy had to literally let go of the airplanes controls to safely land and save his family’s lives, I know that is exactly what I need to do as well. My focus is on letting go, I need to learn to let go of all the ideas and actions that do not serve me. I am provided for, if I simply learn to receive. That’s a pretty cool idea, right? I mean, it’s like work smarter, not harder. If I stop beating myself up for not doing everything all the time for everyone and doing it perfectly, I’ll probably be just as well off, if not flourish. Just let go, it’ll be fine.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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