I recently visited the home of my former Life Coach, which is someone who counsels and encourages clients through personal or career challenges, a mindset coach. I had worked with him some twenty years ago, but there are lessons I learned and goals I had set that are still with me today. I told him how I had to explain to my therapist who Megan is. During a life coaching session, I was asked to envision my perfect self and to give her a name. I chose the name Megan, because if I had ever had a daughter, I was going to name her Megan Lorraine, a “mighty” good name. In my vision, Megan was trim and tan, wearing a straw hat, khaki shorts and hiking books, looking over her land. I have no aspirations to become a farmer, but I thought of it as a symbol of surveying my accomplishments.
My former Life Coach was impressed that I was still using this imagery lesson and offered another one to try. I was to ask people to list 5 words that come to mind when they think of me at my best. Using Facebook was a suggestion, but I also reached out to some through other means. Per usual, not having posted a photo with the question on Facebook did not warrant many responses, but between that and other means, I was able to gather responses from 14 people. My children, friends from throughout my lifespan, co-workers, and my cousin Red all took a moment from their busy lives to assist me with my venture. Surprisingly, no one asked me why I was asking, but I suppose considering the source of the question, it seemed like every day fodder.
I put the words into 6 categories, because that was the Word Document template I found, that I could easily manipulate. The words that I was most proud to recieve were: Brave, Loyal and Real. Wow! Me? How cool is that! Those words made me feel like I was indeed living up to the name Megan. Many wonderful words were sent to me, some I had to Google because I had never heard of them before, but I believe that I have aptly grouped them into the 6 categories.
Funny: Adventurous, Humorous, Goofy, Silly, Zealous, Ebullient, Vivacious, Energetic, Excited and Absolutely Funny. Oddly enough, the last TV show that John the Pilot and I watched together was The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I had always thought that John was the one that was so intelligent and funny, but I now know, that actually, it was me. We played well together, but I was the one who would initiate “the story” and then, he would run with it. It worked well for a while, until I finally realized, none of it was real and “the story” would not live happily ever after.
Intelligent: Smart, Creative, Confident, Introspective, Fantastic Cook, with a Touch of Smart Ass. I may possess a learning disability, but throughout my life, I have been smart enough to ask for help and creative enough to eventually figure things out. When my mother died, I literally did not know how to cook an egg, and need I remind you, I was 21 years of age. I called a friend’s mother for advice and she laughed me. I followed her instructions and guess what, she was wrong. Instead, I found my mother’s Pillsbury Kitchens’ Family Cookbook, the book I refer to as my bible, and began to teach myself. I eventually went to chef school and created a cheesecake that I was once offered to sell through a catalog. I have taught my children how to make that cheesecake and they are continuously asked to make it because in the words of my one child, “Your cheesecake is fucking crack!” Thank you, my love.
Hardworking: Devoted, Tenacious, Stalwart, Resilient, Tough, Fierce, Brave, Diligent. If I say I’m going to do something, I do it. I said I was going to get married at the age of 25 and have my first baby at the age of 26, done and done. I may not have chosen the best candidate for the sperm donation, but I did it and I have no regrets. When I make up my mind to do something, please do not get in my way. If you ask me to do something, you know it will happen and once again, please do not get in my way. On another note, do not mess with my friends and God save you if you even look at my kids cross-eyed, just sayin’.
Strong: Strong Willed, Decisive, Passionate, Driven, Commanding. These words go along with hardworking, but have a power of their own. Sometimes I make rash decisions, but I feel that being decisive is a very sexy trait to possess. I want to be in command, I am a natural born leader, to an extent. I do not want to run the company, but I also do not want to be an entry level associate. I need to be in charge, make decisions and deliver the goods. I will plow full speed ahead, if that’s what the moment calls for or I will be stealth and manipulate from behind the scenes. In the end, the job gets done and it gets done well.
Kind: Caring, Loving, Thoughtful, Considerate, Generous, Good Natured, Instructive, Empathetic, Loyal. I cry at the drop of a hat. I have been told that I feel much more than one person should, to that I respond, I feel sorry for you. One rule, do unto others as you wish them to do unto you. I recently needed to address a work issue, a mistake was made, but not owned up to. This same person has a habit of complaining about everyone else’s work, and the world in general. Quite frankly, it’s messing with the kumbaya I have put a lot of energy into to create. I had a plan, I knew what needed to be said and even did a trial run with my mentor. I was going to be hard and finally put this baby to bed, but when the actual moment arrived, that was not who I wanted to be. Instead, I did address the mistake that was made, but then I had an idea, a brilliant idea, if I do say so myself. I challenged this person to be ready to share with his team, something positive about each and everyone of them, in front of the entire group. I love myself!!! Oh, the look on his face, it was priceless. I challenge you to come up with something positive to say about every single one of your teammates, and to say it to them in front of your entire team. Do it. I felt so good about my idea and I think, nay I know it’s going to bring us back to a place of kumbaya.
Beautiful: Honest, Pretty, Lovely, Stylish, Real, Friend, Fantastic Friend, the Best Friend anyone could ask for. Gosh, golly, gee, thanks guys! You know, that I know, that I am an acquired taste. I think of myself as a Shrek of sorts. Those who don’t know me, think I’m a beast, simply based on my appearance. However, those who take the time to get to know me, realize that I’m a marshmallow. This may be conceited of me to say, but I think I have a stunning face, eyes that can burn right through you and hair to be envied. At the same time, I know my body is not that of a trophy wife, which is what the world sees first when they look at me. Please do not try to tell me otherwise, because I will call bullshit! However, I truly believe that my lack of physical beauty has forced me to work on my inner beauty. I have had to try harder at most everything, because I could not rest on the laurels of social acceptance.
What has all that hard work gotten me? True Blue friends that show up when I “ring the bell”. People who will readily present me with five words and state that they are “Stopping at five cuz I would go on and on.” without question or pause. I also have children that will indulge my public behavior and co-workers that step up without hesitation. I have family and extended family that truly love me, just the way I am. In other words, I am truly blessed.
One word that I was hoping to receive, and thankfully did, is the word “honest”. I feel that I am honest to others and I am working on being honest with myself, hence the hashtag I created for this blog. So I guess, I will achieve the level of “Megan” when I learn how to truly be honest with myself and find the strength to walk away from all the lies and choose not to live with any of them. Like Megan, I find myself “looking over my land”, the life I have created for myself and so far, I like what I see. I have so much more to accomplish in this life time, but for right now, I’m good.
Something that popped into my head just now, was a conversation I had with my one son and our therapist. I was asked how I would like to be remembered, I don’t know why this topic of conversation came up, maybe it was the whole idea of me just having two years left, but this is what I came up with. “She was kind of crazy, but really nice and she made a great cheesecake.” No one chose the words Crazy or Nice, no one mentioned Cheesecake by name, but I know the words were on the tip of your tongues and that makes me smile.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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