Occupation: Manager
Whenever I fill out any number of documents that ask for personal information, that is how I list myself. Yes, I have built a career in retail management, but the reality is, it is how I have had to conduct my life in general. Having to be the manager of other people’s emotions, always sacrificing my own, by living a lifetime of walking on egg shells. My therapist has pointed out the multitude of co-dependent relationships I have in my life and quite honestly, it’s embarrassing.
It most likely began when I was a child. I noticed how much my siblings’ actions and words made my mother cry, so I took it upon myself not to. I was an “A” student, a total nerd, and a homebody. I never needed a curfew, because I didn’t go anywhere and if I did, it was usually a school function and I’d be home at a reasonable hour. It’s not like this was a hardship, and even though I had a mouth on me, I don’t believe I ever made my mom cry. I don’t have documented proof, but even when I went through my “rebel without a cause” phase, I don’t recall there ever being a tear-filled confrontation. She may have cried out of my sight, but…
In my twenties, I fell in love with an alcoholic. I was naïve, suffered from low self-esteem, and I was desperate for attention. I learned quickly to pick and choose my battles carefully. I had the children I wanted, but in order to keep their father in the picture, I had to walk on egg shells. Any time I tried to stand up for myself, it turned into an argument where he threated to leave. I remember so many times, the kids would be crying as I begged him to stay, even though it was the last thing I wanted. However, how was I going to be able to raise two small children on my own? I didn’t have a job and it wasn’t like I could walk out the door and get one that could afford me to keep a roof over our heads. So, I either said what he wanted to hear or remained silent, swallowing my anger and fear in order to keep the peace.
This pattern of behavior became my mainstay with my family, friends, and co-workers, say what they want to hear or remain silent. Walking on egg shells is not only painful, it’s exhausting and stressful. I don’t’ know, maybe it has something to do with my battle of the bulge, swallowing my pride may have a lot of hidden calories. I have an insatiable desire to be heard, hence the blog. I’d like to believe that it is a safe place to say what I want to say, but that’s not true. Life has taught me to be very careful, someone is always listening and if the wrong words find the wrong audience… So yes, even on this platform, I find myself walking on egg shells.
I really don’t know how to stop managing other people’s emotions. Even with life long friends, I find myself being very careful, weighing my thoughts before expressing them. To this day, too many people I would like to think love me unconditionally, walk away when the conversation doesn’t suit them. Or, many conversation topics are avoided in order to keep the peace. It saddens me to know that, even at this advance stage of my life, I am a professional egg shell walker.
Maybe that’s why I prefer to be alone, it’s less exhausting and stressful than weighing my thoughts before I dare to share them. I’d like to believe that there are people in my life that I am able to speak freely with, but I’ve been playing this gig so long, I’m not even certain I am being honest with myself, let alone with others. It’s been an arduous two weeks, eggs shells everywhere I go. It’s been nice to see family and friends, but when it came to part ways, I’m left feeling uncertain if the conversation was honest or rehearsed. One false move, and the house of cards collapses. Like I said, it’s been nice to visit memories, but it’s time to be alone, so I can rest and rebuild my strength for what lies ahead.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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