I recently visited my “church”, the Morton Arboretum. I’ve been a member for a very long time and most years, I forget to use my free passes for admission and/or the tram ride. I am happy to report, that this year, I managed to give the free admission passes to someone who has yet to experience its splendor and I used the tram passes myself.
Being later in the season, hopping a ride on the tram can be iffy. There weren’t many options that day, so my friend and I decided to go on the children’s tour, it would be a new experience and its timing fit our schedule. We were the first ones on the tram and we chose the seats all the way in the back. Quite a bit of time passed and it appeared that we may be the only ones enjoying the ride. A few adult stragglers hopped on, but no children were going to be in attendance. The driver asked everyone, since there were no children, if we would rather do the adult tour. The vote was a resounding, “Yes!”
It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve done the tram ride; I am always greeted with new kernels of knowledge. This time, I learned an interesting fact about Ginkgo trees. I had never known that Ginkgo trees do not loose their leaves a few at a time. Instead, they wait until all the leaves change color and when the last green Gingko leaf changes, they all fall at once. I found that fun fact quite touching, they don’t leave anyone behind, they wait for each other, till the bitter end, and then, they make that final flight, together.
Working with my therapist, he made a statement that has stuck with me. He said that I have quite the relationship with uncertainty, which is the understatement of the year. In a nutshell, the past five weeks of my life have been a series of uncertainties. The mental and physical anguish I have experienced has made those five weeks feel more like five months and the reality is, there is no end in sight. Well, that’s not exactly true, I do have an estimate of five months, in five months, I may have a better understanding of my fate. However, in the meantime, I have no sense of what to expect. I have a few dates to work with, but the majority of my life, for the next five months will be overflowing with uncertainty.
I am doing my best to cope with the impending reality of my situation. On top of the mental strife, I am still healing from my second carpal tunnel release surgery and the issues with my back. I feel that I am improving, but I need to be patient. The first surgery was in June, so my focus is on Christmas. My Christmas wish is to be mostly healed physically, mentally will be another story. There is a remote possibility I will have more clarity by then, but the uncertainty is taking its toll on me.
Every time I dare to allow myself to express my anger, I pay for it in one way or another. This time, I threw a pen on my desk and managed to injure my shoulder. It had been injured previously by leading an action-packed life in retail. The first time I heard it snap, was when my natural enabler reflex kicked in and I felt compelled to save the life of a bag of potato chips from falling off a display. It was bad, it was real bad, but not as bad as when a few weeks later, the enabler in me felt compelled to rescue a falling bag of frozen corn. I wish I had some great daredevil exposition to blame it on, but no, my pain stems from my self-inflicted need to save everyone and everything from itself…the story of my life.
When speaking to my work mentor this morning, I told him about the last Gingko leaf story I had learned, and I began to cry. I realized that it was a fitting metaphor for what I am experiencing. I told him, “I feel a blog coming on.” I’ve been wanting to write about all that is happening to me, but I’m not allowed to share many details at this time. TMI Gail has been almost bursting at the seams with my attempts to remain silent, but fortunately, there are a few folks that I trust enough to allow myself some release.
I find myself pausing, in midstride or midsentence, it’s almost like having an out of body experience because my mind is struggling to cope with my reality. I need to believe, that in the end, it is all for the greater good. All that is happening is preparing me for the next chapter in my life, the life where I finally realize my potential. The clock is ticking, faster and faster, with each passing day and yet, it feels like an eternity while waiting to discover my destiny. There, I just experienced one of those pauses I was just trying to explain. My mind freezes, for a moment in time, maybe trying to catch up with itself. There it goes again, and again, a momentary respite.
I’ll make it, I always do. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger”, right? I’m tired, tired of being strong, but I don’t know how to be weak, I never have. A gift? A curse? I may never know the answer to that question, but I do know, that I am not currently doing what I should be. I feel like I am on the precipice of a life altering moment. I pray for guidance and patience and like the last green Gingko leaf, when it’s my time to change, we will all fall safely, together.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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