When one searches the internet, there are many different definitions of pain to be found. I feel this one covers the bases well: Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience. No two people feel pain the same way, even if the reasons for their pain are alike. Pain is a highly personal experience and a person’s report of their own pain is the best measure. During my recent journey to wellness, I have been sent numerous surveys from a variety of physicians, asking about my current level of pain, using a scale of 1-10, 1 being I’m fine to 10, being the most excruciating pain of my life. Honestly, just like the movie Spinal Tap, I think there should be an 11. Pain isn’t just physical, there are also mental and spiritual components. Some of the most intense pain one can experience, involves all three, hence, the 11.
Over the past 2 years, I have experienced many levels and combinations of these three types of pain. It began with the passing of my brother, something I knew I would experience in this lifetime, but wasn’t really prepared for. Even though I knew his addictions were slowly killing him, no one can ever truly be prepared for that final goodbye. After that experience, I started to have shooting pains in my back. Yes, I have a long history of back aliments however, this time I came to the realization, that it may not just be a physical pain I was experiencing. I had a memory, of the first time I had experienced this sort of pain, and that was when my marriage ended. I began to realize, that the physical pain, was more than likely, also attached to emotional pain. When my brother passed, I was deeply saddened. However, there was a sense of release as well. He would no longer be trapped by his earthly existence and would once and for all, be set free from his addiction. I, on the other hand, was left to process the pain.
A year ago, the day before I was to have my first carpal tunnel surgery, I was informed that they would be closing my store, but I could not share the news with my team. Is it any wonder that the days following my surgery, the back pain returned. Not only was I dealing with the physical pain of the surgery, I had the emotional pain of knowing I had failed my team and the spiritual pain of not being able to tell them. I tried not to lie, I just avoided stating the truth, when pressed for a reason for my behavior. When the truth was revealed to my team, the secrets continued and we were not allowed to tell the public. Now, my pain was share by my team, but at least we had each other for support. It took 3 months of perseverance, a second carpal tunnel surgery, a custom shoe lift, and a public reveal of the truth to finally emerge from the other side of pain.
4 and 1/2 weeks ago, I received my rotator cuff surgery. I was prepared to experience physical pain, and most likely emotional pain, but the spiritual pain has taken me aback. I’m not only experiencing the pain from the surgery, but much residual pain. A nerve was pinched during the surgery which affected my walking, that’s still part of the physical pain, but emotional as well. Not being able to walk freely, away from my “prison”, has had a profound effect on my attitude. The idea of being sentenced to this eight week stretch, that I will not be able to drive, and be stuck at home, has caused me a lot of mental anguish. A week after the surgery, I had excruciating pain in my neck and my ribs. So bad, that I went to the ER. They couldn’t find anything wrong with me and sent me on my way. The physical pain of the neck and ribs lessened after a couple days, but I was still burdened with all the physical pain of the shoulder and the leg.
The emotional burden of being stuck at home, to have to live a life that I don’t have control over, is excruciating for me. I’ve been doing better. Honestly, I was starting to wrap my brain around the idea that no matter how much I begged and pleaded with the physical therapist or the doctor, I was not going to be allowed to go back to work, earlier than 8 weeks. I was doing well, I really was, and then another bout of emotional pain hit me. I found out that my ex-husband had passed away. It’s not like we were close, I can’t even really remember the last time I spoke to him, but I had always wondered, what it would feel like, how was I going to experience the news of his death? At first, there was a tug at my heart. After all, he had been the first love of my life. I was so deeply in love with him, before all the ugliness began. I was hurt. He left me, he left me and our children, he left me, our children, and the life I had thought we were going to spend together. When he left, I wasn’t just mourning the loss of my marriage, I was mourning the loss of the future I thought I would have. I thought it was odd that his wife called me, the woman he had left me for, not only to let me know of his passing, but to give me condolences. Also, she had asked if it was all right if he she had him cremated. I didn’t think I had any say in the situation since I had been wife number three of four. What did my opinion have to do with anything? I guess that’s one of the things that makes her special, she does truly think of other’s feelings. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, she was already in enough pain, losing the love of her life, her soulmate for the past 30 years. I didn’t intend to upset her in any way by saying that when he had decided to leave us, I knew he didn’t want to be here. I had come to terms with the fact that he was never mine to keep. My ex-husband served his purpose in my life, he gave me the children I so desperately wanted, and then, he left. He was never the person I wanted him to be, I really don’t understand why he pretended to be that person, something I’ll never know, but I’m glad he did, I’m glad he tried.
After I had learned about my ex-husband’s passing, the physical pain set in. The tightness in my neck and ribs returned. I didn’t correlate the two instances at first, but eventually, I came to realize that my mental anguish was part of the reason that I was experiencing so much physical pain. I had a hard time accepting that not one, but both of my children were so incredibly flippant about the news of the passing of their father. They had acted as if I had let them know some 70’s TV idol had died, no one they could relate to, at all. I still don’t believe it, I cannot believe that they really, truly, honestly have no feelings about this situation, whatsoever. They can tell me that it is the truth, but I do not believe it.
My physical pain increased. It was much worse than the first time. To make matters worse, the rib pain went from my right side to my left. A stabbing, painful, excruciating pain in my rib, but not where my heart would be located, I guess that would be too dramatic. I don’t know, which rib did Adam give to create Eve? I wonder if that’s the area that I’m experiencing the pain? Either way, it was so debilitating, I had to start taking pain medications again, something I do not enjoy doing, it messes with my head. I’ll never understand drug addiction. I just don’t get it, which is why my ex-husband and I could not remain together. He lived for being high, stoned, wasted, having altered experiences was his Forte and me, I was all about being cold hard sober, having a grasp on reality, alert, aware of what was going on. But, the reality was, I never did. I am gullible Gail, I am The Girl From Ipanema, I am the person who has something sitting right in front of her face and does not see it. When my ex started cheating on me with wife number four, everybody tried to tell me, I kind of believed them, but never underestimate the power of denial. That is how I survived. The denial about his cheating, the denial about his alcohol use, but honestly, the drug use took me by complete surprise. I didn’t even think of it, I was just happy he wasn’t drinking, it never occurred to me that he had moved on to heavy-duty drug usage. It was ugly, it was a very ugly time in my life, but the support of my family and friends and with the love of my children, I made it through, somehow, I always make it through. I get through the pain, no matter how excruciating it is, no matter if I’m even not aware that I’m experiencing such pain, I get through, I always do.
I didn’t know if it was appropriate of me to do so, but I posted my ex-husband’s passing on Facebook. I didn’t know if it was conceited of me choose a picture that included me with him in our heyday, but I did. That was how I want to remember him, that is how I want to remember us, we were good looking couple, we had promise, we really did. I was a chef, he was a nurse and we were going to travel around the country, but that’s not what life gave us. Instead, I quickly became pregnant and that altered our plans. It also exasperated his addiction and day by day, month by month, year by year, no matter how much I tried, no matter how much I tried to be the Girl from Ipanema and simply not see, there was no way that marriage was going to last. Pain, lots and lots of pain, I experienced a lot of pain, my children experienced a lot of pain, I don’t know that he ever did, I can only guess that maybe he felt a little bit, but I don’t, and I don’t want to speculate.
Wife number four, she is the one who is experiencing the pain now, she truly was his soulmate. They were together for 30 plus years and now, she is alone. In my estimation, she gave up quite a bit to be with him, but it was her choosing, it was always her choice to be with him or not. So, the pain, like I stated in the beginning of this blog, even though our pain is alike, we both lost the same person, our experiences of that pain are very, very different, very personal indeed. In some ways, maybe she’s currently experiencing the pain I dealt with 30 years ago. I lost him 30 years ago when our marriage ended the life I thought I was going to live, died. She’s experiencing the pain of losing the life she’s had for the past 30 years with him. We’re both experiencing the same pain of losing that same person, pain of losing the life that we thought we were going to have. Both experiences are very, very different. For me, he’s not a part of my everyday existence, hasn’t been for 30 years, so the pain is more chronic than acute, it’s deep, but it’s finally giving me a release from something that maybe I’ve been holding onto for way too long.
Oddly enough, when I was sharing this story with my therapist, I became quite peaceful. I wasn’t noticing the pain in my neck and my ribs as much and quite honestly, by the time our session ended, I felt better physically, mentally, and quite possibly, spiritually. It was like sharing my story with him took the thorn out of my side. And maybe now, the healing can begin. There is a sense of pain that dwells, how could it not? But, the reality is, this physical pain will heal. Emotionally, I will learn to cope with whatever it is I am processing. And, spiritually well, that’s a work in progress. My spiritual guide has been trying to teach me about Jobs. He sent me a passage and asked me if it resonated with me. I said, that I thought I was being tested he said no, think of it more as being watched over or protected. I know there’s a lesson to learn from all of this and maybe once I crack that kernel of truth, the pain will cease to have a grasp on me. In the meantime, I do my stretches, I do my icing and heating, I take various supplements and medications to help ease the physical pain. I’m praying and writing, trying to find peace during the long days and even longer nights, of my “sentence”. I think the best I can do for now, is enjoy the beautiful Autumn weather we’ve been experiencing, sit on my front porch, and reflect on the life that was, the life that I thought I was going to have, and the life that I do have. I pray the life that lies ahead of me, will be filled with peace and less pain, especially that excruciating pain, that number 11 pain. Please, set me free.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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