Today’s rabbit hole journey, began when I was looking through my mother’s hope chest, the cedar chest that has the distinguished honor of holding a lifetime of treasures, for grade school memorabilia. It was the birthday of a grade school chum and I wanted to post on FB some of our school’s keepsakes. Among the pencils, ribbons, and buttons, was an autograph book. I found a page where he had written to me, over 40 years ago. I laid them all out and took a picture to post. This should have been a warm fuzzy experience for me, but alas, it was not.
This friend of mine, is someone I now consider, a very good friend. In eighth grade, maybe not so much, but still friendly enough to sign my autograph book. What he wrote, may have seemed like a joke at the time, but it was not dissimilar to several other signings from people I considered my friends. What they all had in common, were comments about me needing to lose weight. I do remember being bullied about my weight, but not from these people. Reading these words, some cruel, I was stunned by how I didn’t remember them, not at all. It’s amazing what the mind will do to protect oneself.
On another day, I was prompted to go looking through my high school yearbook. I didn’t come across anything cruel, but I was surprised by the writings of someone I considered my “best friend” at the time. I have stayed in touch with this person and at her mother’s funeral, I mentioned how I had considered her my best friend back then. The way she looked at me, made me feel like I had been greatly mistaken. No matter, that was how I felt back then, but looking through the yearbook, she had written something that had confirmed my belief. So, why the look of disagreement? I know, because I also remember her stating back then, that she never thought that she would be friends with someone like me. She didn’t have to say it, I knew what she meant, someone who was fat, different, odd.
I’ve always known that I was a square peg. No matter how much I’ve tried to smooth my right angles, I never have achieved roundness. I have learned to appreciate my unique perspectives, looks and actions. Afterall, I am the pink flamingo on the great lawn of life, but reading others perspectives of me, was disheartening. In the high school yearbook, another friend, Laura wrote quite a bit. However, her penmanship was already that of a doctor, and I couldn’t read a thing. I recently told her that she would need to read it for me someday.
A couple of weeks ago, I scored big at a thrift store and found 2 tiki bar stools in great condition. I gladly scooped them up, having full confidence that I would eventually find the perfect table for them. A week later, I happened upon that table on FB marketplace. I called Laura and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride with me to pick it up. She agreed to go and told me to bring the yearbook. As we took the mini road trip, she read what she had written to me all those many decades ago. I was pleasantly surprised by how nice her teenaged sentiments were. I guess it’s no wonder were still close then, even though I do know her husband has a different view of me. You see, he believes that whenever Laura goes someplace with me, it must have some tawdry undertones. This is the man who also believes that I have a mean face and for some reason, I am odd. I’m not certain what that all means, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I am a woman who is alone and I’m okay with that. Maybe it’s my independence and strength that threatens him. If that is what he means by “odd”, I’ll take it.
When we arrived at the table’s location, my heart sang at viewing its perfection, but then sank as I quickly realized, that it was not going to fit into my car, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try. Somehow, I managed to get the table top into the backdoor, but the legs weren’t going to make it, not without me breaking them, or my car door. And, of course, it got stuck. I asked Laura to call her family and ask if someone was willing to come to our rescue with their SUV, “Tell them I will make them a cheesecake!” Groovy Gail’s cheesecake is the preferred lube in these situations. She made the call to her son and at the mention of cheesecake, he asked for our location and was on his way. In the meantime, I needed to get the stuck table out of my car’s back door. I tried every position I could think of, to lure her out of her shell, but no. Laura suggested that I turn it, so it was like a diamond, and you know what, that did the trick! I laughed so hard while saying, “That dirty little whore gave it up as soon as you mentioned a diamond!” I said that I must write a blog about this. Laura asked how I would do that…just did.
Laura has always said that her best stories begin by saying, “I was with Gail and…” Here was another story for her collection. It turned out to be a great adventure. I spent quality time with my friend and reminisced about all the people who had “things” to say about me. Maybe it was their youth that allowed them to be so blunt, but the reality is, it was the truth. I have always been overweight and that fact has always affected my decisions. I was once asked; what I thought my weight was protecting me from? At the time, I didn’t know how to answer that question, but now I think I do.
I have come to realize that I am a commitment phobe. I can honestly state that I have a fear of not being alone, but of being trapped. Until recently, I couldn’t even commit to a dining room table. The one I had was a very nice wood folding table, one I could easily take down and store away if I felt it to be overcrowding. Me, bringing home a tiki table and stools, may be a step in a different direction, but it’s highly unlikely. I have already thought that if I become uncomfortable with it, I can move it to the front porch or the basement. I guess I truly am odd, because I love it! This set is something I have been yearning for, since I can remember and yet, I already have a plan in place, just in case I cannot make a commitment to having it in the center of my home.
However, I do have a home, something I realize that there are several people in my life, do not have. They have a place where their stuff resides, a place to shower and sleep, but they do not have a home. I have created a place where my oddness runs free! When someone walks through my front door, they can plainly see who I am. I have made a commitment to my home and the family I have raised here. I have made a commitment to the friends that embrace my oddness. Most of all, I have made a commitment to myself, to proudly display all the treasures that make my heart sing. It is a home whose theme is not only MCM tiki, but that being odd, is okay. It means that you’re strong enough to weather the storm, you’re brave enough to believe in something others do not, and you’re smart enough to move on when where you are is no longer hospitable.
Welcome to the house of odd.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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