When my marriage hit the fan, I attended separated and divorced group support meetings through my church. My spiritual leader would stress, that I am divinely loveable. I thought, that’s nice, but I’m lonely. However, it wasn’t just because my marriage had ended, my entire life, even in a room full of people, I am lonely.
If memory serves me, I’ve always been lonely. Not that I haven’t participated in group activities, I mean, I’m there, enjoying the company of people, but the reality is, I feel alone. I know, that sounds sad, but I believe it to be true. Even when I’m with family, my blood, people I gave birth too, I feel alone. For the most part, I’m okay with feeling this way, but lately, not so much.
For the past few months, I’ve been leaning into my faith. I’m not a regular church goer, but when I do go, I am filled with emotion, passion, and faith. I’m a crybaby to begin with, but when I go to church, it truly is a religious experience for me. I may look like a fool, but I cry when receiving communion. You may ask, why don’t you go weekly? I have my reasons, and simply put, they are mine. I’ve been praying more; it helps to calm my mind and gives me a sense of hope. I know that the only thing I have control over in this lifetime is myself and how I respond to situations and prayer, helps me find that self-control.
Self-control: This is something I lack. I’m impulsive, passionate, and I don’t do anything small. I eat big, I laugh loud, I cry hard and I love deeply. When I’m happy, I dare say, I may be manic and when I’m sad, I wallow. Last week, due to my passion for my work, I suffered a panic attack. I had worked myself so hard that as I was leaving, I noticed that I had forgotten to order one item. Out of the thousands of items I order, I was dreading that I had missed one. I hoped that it was not of consequence, and left the store believing just that. However, with each step I took to my car, I could feel the imaginary hands begin to grip my throat.
I have asked my therapist, “How did I get this way? Do I suffer from OCD?” He says, no. Still, how did I get this way? I think it may be related to me being overweight my entire life. I work so hard, so deathly hard to do everything else to the best of my ability, but I can’t…I won’t do it to improve my health. Why? I really wish I knew. Maybe someday, I will have an epiphany and I will find true peace in this lifetime, but until then, I eat, pray, and love.
It was the other day, when I realized that my therapist continues to ask me if I am lonely. I always respond, no. I’d rather be alone than be in another dysfunctional relationship. However, I’ve come to realize, that once again, I’ve been lying to myself. I am lonely. I continue to meet up with friends, I watch TV with my son, I chat with people on the phone, but I remain lonely. I had lunch today with my dear friend. As I hugged her goodbye, I thanked her for meeting with me and said, “I needed that.” What I couldn’t manage to say was, “Because, I’m lonely.” I tried to say the words, but I could feel the tears begin to well up, so I remained silent and walked away.
As always, I had a list of things to do today and one of the things I added this morning was to ride my bike. I’m so terribly out of shape and walking is increasingly difficult, so I decided to ride my bike. As always, I put it off and instead, took a nap. However, when I woke up all sweated from this ridiculously hot day, I drank a tall glass of coconut water to revive myself, went down to the basement, and dug out my bike. I had it tuned up this past fall and surprisingly, the tires were still inflated enough, that I felt I could take it out for a spin.
Of course, as I was trying to maneuver my bike out of the basement pantry, pushing it backwards, the chain was locking up. I could have easily decided that this was going to be a no go, but instead, I began to roll it forward and magically, the chain began to work. I’m so weak these days, it was a little challenging to get it up the whole four basement steps, but I managed to do it without hurting myself or the bike. Somehow, I managed to swing my beefy leg over the seat and tried to pedal. I haven’t ridden my bike in five years, so I was very wobbly, but I did it and managed to start heading up the sidewalk. Of course, someone was walking, so I turned into the alley where, of course, a car turned the corner and headed right towards me.
It took ever fiber of my being to continue to ride, seeing that the forces that be, were against me, but I did it. I stuck to the alleys and the sidewalks and eventually, I worked up the courage to look up at the houses as I rode by instead of just being completely focused on my breathing, my pedaling, and how stupid I must look. After a few minutes, my hands began to hurt and I headed home before my body failed me. I got the bike back down the whole four basement stairs and decided that the experience wasn’t that bad, so I needed to find the key to my bike lock and the headlight, that I knew I would not have thrown away. It wasn’t easy, but I did find them. The light’s batteries were all corroded, so I tossed it and ordered a new one, along with a cute little bell.
I decided, maybe I can do this. I have always loved bike riding, maybe I can get strong enough and ride enough that I would invest in a bike rack and go on adventures, like I did when I was young. Maybe, I could even get strong enough to find a group to go riding with and maybe, not be so lonely. Maybe… maybe, but the reality is, even if I was in a group of a hundred, I would still feel lonely. No matter, I pressed the button and ordered the light and the bell, just in case I really do start riding my bike more.
It’s been a hot, disgusting day, but it’s supposed to rain. My poor little garden really needs the rain. I watered a bit this morning, but only enough for the newly transplanted herbs and my second attempt at growing beans from seeds. It’s been very windy, but no rain. I keep looking at the weather report and the odds are against me getting the rain I so desperately yearn for. I began to pray for rain, but the weather report would not appease me. Should I go out in this terrible wind and begin to water my garden? How crazy will I look? Who would see me? Most likely, no one, but… Please rain…please rain…the tears well up in my eyes and then, I begin to hear thunder. A small flash of lightening gives me hope. I don’t know if it will rain and if it does, how much will it rain, but I embrace the fact, that I am divinely loveable and I am never alone. No matter how lonely I feel, I will never be alone, as long as I keep my faith…keep my faith…keep my faith…it’s raining…verklempt.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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