Tango

Definition of tango: interaction marked by a lack of straightforwardness

“How was your day?”  This was the question I posed to Michael on Google Hangouts.  I expected to receive some sort of a sexual innuendo in response.  Instead, I received a message that his mom and brother had visited him and that he sold his old bike to his mom.  He now rides a recumbent bike and he sent along an image of his new bike on his car, presumably parked by his home, which I believe is somewhere in IN.

I was stunned and then had a sick feeling in my stomach.  I didn’t even know that he had a brother.  Truth be told, I’m not even certain that his real name is Michael Johnson.  When he first introduced himself to me 14 years ago, I was told that his last name was Smith, so original.  Why should I believe that his real name is Johnson?  For all I know, Michael may not even be a real name.  In all honesty, I know nothing about this man.  All I know is what he has told me, but life has taught me, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.

The story I was told, when we met online, was that he was separated from wife number one.   When they met, he was a policeman in IN and somehow, he ended up married to a nurse in IL with 3 children.  He gave up being a policeman to be with her and became some sort of ATM maintenance manager. They had 2 kids together, so he was the father to 5 children. I thought that was amazing, but that wasn’t why I fell in love with him. There was an instant connection, an undeniable chemistry, not romantic, but fire and passion and thus, the tango began.

The carrot he would wave in front of me was that he couldn’t wait to introduce me to his mom.  Of course, that never came to pass because when he finally did get divorced, he didn’t contact me to share the good news.  Instead, he began dating real women, in public places, something I had only ever dreamed of doing with him. For 3 years I would meet him places, my home, parking lots, his home, and more parking lots. It didn’t matter, I was happy to see him, even if it meant me waiting in my car for an untold amount of time. No matter how angry I was about waiting for his arrival, as soon as I laid eyes on him, the dance would begin and all was right with my world.

Our conversations would seem real enough, heartfelt and filled with promises I dared to believe. Our banter was intoxicating, his smile endearing, and his touch electrifying. However, our moments together were fleeting and once again, he would be gone. He was constantly disappearing and reappearing with a different email address or ID used on Yahoo messenger.  After 3 years of waiting for him to finally get divorced, I was done with the games. I was done with his being emotionally bulimic and I was done with his inability to be a man that would go out of his way to be with me.  By the time he wanted us to have a fresh start and he was willing to promise to remain in contact with me, John appeared on the scene and I wasn’t willing to give up the consistent ride he provided for an iffy at best moment with Michael.

John was a guaranteed good time, Michael was not.  I loved Michael, but I didn’t believe he could ever be with me, truly be with me and only me, so I ended it and drove away in the darkness from another home of his that I was never informed about his moving into until way after the fact.  I’ve always been an afterthought to him.  Maybe a distraction when life was getting him down, maybe a dream he didn’t dare to pursue, but definitely not someone he would date and ask to marry him for real.  Oh, he liked to propose to me, but I knew he didn’t mean it.  I would tell him that he couldn’t propose, he was already married and he would tell me that he could do whatever he wanted.  “Marry me!” he would exclaim and I would always say, “Yes.” fully aware that it was all a lie, but a sweet one I hoped could be true.

In a heated moment, I left Michael and once again he disappeared, but not for long. It was only a matter of time, and then once again, he popped up on a screen of mine. He would ask me if I was dating anyone, to which I replied yes, even if I wasn’t. As the years rolled on, somehow, we would be in touch.  Four years had passed and I thought I was in a committed relationship with John, that’s when Michael finally told me that he had gotten married…again. Of course, he did, why did I ever think he would come for me? I didn’t understand why he never physically came for me. It’s one thing to send a message asking, “How’s life treating you?”, but he never went out of his way to be with me, to try to be with me. Why?

Life went on and we stayed in touch. Every once in a while, Michael would pop up on my screen making one announcement or another. It was an exciting moment when he sent me a pic of himself in his graduation cap and gown. I knew how important it was to him to achieve that accomplishment, it would have been nice to be there to share the moment, but I wasn’t invited and I don’t go where I’m not invited.

I really don’t recall the hows or whys, but he did help me with some questions I had about getting my father veteran’s benefits.  Michael was a vet himself and did volunteer work helping vets with their benefits paperwork. Over the years, he shared with me how he had become a fireman and then I believe a paramedic and then landed a government job, presumably he still has that one.  I don’t even recall if we actually ever spoke on the phone or all of these conversations were through text messages and now more recently Google Hangouts.  We had managed to remain friends, I was in a committed relationship and I was not interested in a side affair, silly me.  Michael seemed to respect that. 

I hadn’t heard from him in a while, so I reached out to tell him of my father’s passing. Eleven months later, he finally saw the message I had sent and responded. It was a short note, but greatly appreciated and poof, he was gone. Three years later, I reached out to him letting him know that I was no longer in a relationship and I had committed the ultimate “blonde” move and had spent nine years in a relationship with someone who didn’t even exist. No response. Nine months later, “Hey Gorgeous!” appeared on my screen. I didn’t respond. Why should I? He would leave me hanging, so… Two months later, I received another message. Oh, WTF why not, let’s tango! And then, poof, he was gone.

A year ago, he had sent me a text message and the games began once more.  They lasted a few months, and then once again “poof”, he was gone.  I decided to send him a voice message stating that I could no longer do this to myself. I told him that if he ever came to his senses and decided to relieve the splinter in his brain that I knew I was for him, to finally allow himself to be loved the way he deserved to be loved, that he knew how to find me. I laid down the gauntlet and said in the recorded message that he needed to leave me alone, set me free or decide to finally be with me. A few months went by and there was nothing. I figured he had heard me and decided that I wasn’t worth the effort and he was gone.

Then, the world exploded. No word from Michael, but I had told him to leave me alone unless he was willing to make a serious go of things, so…

A year later, he popped up on my screen again as if nothing had happened, “Hey Gorgeous!” and I smiled. I needed a little fun, so I put on my dance shoes. It was nice to hear from my old dance partner, but I wanted to know why I hadn’t heard from him in the past year, a year of serious challenges. I pressed him about the message I had sent. Michael said that he did not receive it. Okay, then why not check in with me to see if I was okay? I didn’t even bother to ask. I knew I wouldn’t believe what he had to say anyway, so I decided to keep that in the forefront of my mind and dance the most passionate tango of my life.

I took the lead and kept my feelings locked away. I didn’t hesitate to say exactly what I was thinking, to state exactly what I wanted. I was in control and I liked it…a lot! Here’s the surprising thing, he kept coming back for more. I took my emotions out of the equation and I felt a power and freedom I had never known existed. Is this what it’s like to be man? Whatever. I didn’t care, flames were coming off the heels of my dancing shoes, intoxicating! Then poof, he was gone.

This time, he wasn’t gone for long, but I didn’t reach out to him, I waited for him to come to me. The whole bicycle thing made me think I needed to keep things real, at least for a moment or two. So, when I received the sexual innuendo message of the day, I redirected him to a conversation about my regrets about my lack of exercise. Sadly, I was the one who brought it back around with my fancy tango moves.

I wasn’t thrilled with the response. He wrote about finding bike trails in my area. Is this what a real relationship would be like? I suppose it’s not so bad, but is this what I want? I received another message later in the day, “I think you should have kidnapped me and kept me when I was living in IL” Really? I don’t know what came over me, well, yes, I do, a dirty martini with blue cheese stuffed olives on an empty stomach came over me, but I felt I had something to say, so I took off my dance shoes and wrote:

“You wouldn’t let me!  You kept running away, changing your email addresses and what not.  You didn’t want to be caught.  Shame, what a shame.  I’m a good cook and a massage therapist, but that wasn’t enough for you to come for me when you finally were divorced.  Such a shame.  Maybe in the next lifetime.  We are destined to be with one another in one shape or form, we just are.  Maybe you’ll be more open to the possibilities in our next encounter…maybe.  No worries, I will always be open to the possibilities when it comes to you my love. BTW is Michael Johnson your real name?  I wouldn’t know.  I hope it is, I like it, classic. The photo you sent me last night, kind of hit me hard.  I don’t understand.  You appear to be living a nice life, all the I’s dotted and T’s crossed.  Why do you like me?  I live in an old house in need of repair, but that’s the way I like it.  I have a small garden to tool around in, my little fountain that resembles a small stream, lots of solar lights and a wind chime that beacons me to dream and believe that, no matter what happens, I’m okay. Your life seems so neat and orderly, brand spankin’ new home in an up-and-coming neighborhood.  It’s like we’re night and day, opposites attract?  Your wife probably makes certain that all your creature comforts are attended to, but maybe not the ones you crave?  I don’t get it.  You could have come for me and I would have been waiting for you.  What is it about me that scares you?  My imperfections or the idea that being with me would be perfection?”

I probably scared him away, maybe for good this time. That’s okay, I said what I needed to say, what I should have said a long time ago. I guess it’s finally time to put away my dancing shoes. It was a good run, 14 years of passion and heartache, torture and titillations, I’ll see you in our next lifetime Michael.

Three hours passed, “So we should over analyze it all. Is that what you are saying?” I didn’t hesitate a moment, I said what needed to be said. I spoke the truth, no matter how painful, I had to say it.

“No.  I love you, not sure why, but I do.  You make me smile silly goose. You make me feel more than I ever could imagine.  Thank you.” To which he replied, “I love you too. Always will.”

Now, where did I put those dancing shoes?

#thelieswechoosetolivewith