About ten years ago, I received a Kindle Fire as a Valentine’s gift from John the Pilot. I didn’t appreciate it at first, but it has since become an integral part of my nightly routine. Almost every single night, before falling asleep, I play approximately three rounds of solitaire on the Kindle Fire. Over the years, I have played against unknown “Multiplayers” that simply could not be real people due to the speed of their moves. Sometimes, I play the “Winning Deal” so I know I have a good shot at completing the game, but most times I play “Random Deal”. I try to pretend that win or lose, it’s how I play the game that matters, but let’s be honest, I like to win.
There are times that I feel like there’s no possible way I’m going to win, so I stop the game and start another “Random Deal”. However, there are times that I feel like I’m playing with the speed of those unknown “Multiplayers”. Twice, I’ve been so impressed with myself that I have actually taken a picture of my winning score. Both times I did it in 1:37 minutes. The first time was in 119 moves, the second, 110 moves (FYI- the smallest amount of moves possible is supposedly 52…lies I say!) My scores: 7813 and 7913 respectively. According to Goggle, the highest possible score you can earn in a standard version of Microsoft solitaire is 24,113…bullshit!
Recently, my youngest son graduated college. He was on the ten-year plan, no really. The silver lining of being a low-income single mother was that both of my children had received full scholarships to a state university. As fate would have it, both pissed them away. The eldest dropped out of school and joined the Navy. The youngest did so poorly that he had to pay back the scholarship money he had wasted, go to community college to repair all the damage he had done to his GPA and returned to the state university on his own dime.
It was a long arduous journey, dotted with perilous pitfalls and more failed attempts at required classes. In a nutshell, this past year, Organic Chemistry was kicking his ass…again. He refused to speak to his teacher about what he could do to improve his grade. In the final month of school, it wasn’t looking good and there was a strong possibility that he would not pass this class for a second time which meant, he would not graduate. However, he did speak to the teaching assistant who told him that if he got at least a 50 on his final exam, he would put in a good word for him. So, there was hope, just a sliver, but still, there was hope.
This wasn’t the first time this child has tortured me, in the same fashion. He was going to be left back in fourth grade due to his low reading scores. When I informed him of his fate, suddenly, his reading improved and he advanced. There was a strong possibility that he was not going to graduate high school. When he had to face the music, he turned in a fraction of the homework that was due and managed to raise his D’s and F’s to passing grades. I sincerely believe that if this child had done the work when he was supposed to, he would have been valedictorian! Why does it have to be a do or die situation to get the job done with this one?
To make matters worse, he went for a job interview that was way beneath his skill set, on one of the final days of school, in the city and managed to get his car towed. This was in the morning of a day he had class in the afternoon, so mama had to leave work to get him home in time for class. I kept saying to myself, “It’s beyond my control, it’s beyond my control…story of my life.” So much of the stress I endure on a daily basis is “beyond my control”. Yes, I can choose to not let it get to me, but let’s be honest, letting the kid flounder and not make it to class would have been more stressful on me than him! When he turned in his final for Organic Chemistry, he wrote a note to the teaching assistant, “Please show mercy.” Maybe that’s what did it, but somehow, someway not only did he pass (he needed a D to do that), he managed to get a C in the class. WTF!
Our lives can be compared to a Kindle Fire game of Solitaire. If we try to do “Multiplayer”, we will get our asses kicked and suffer from low self-esteem for setting unrealistic standards for ourselves. We can choose to play a “Winning Deal”, and choose the path we know we will succeed at (that’s what I did in school), but that will never truly challenge ourselves to see, “How high is high?” Painstakingly, we can choose to play the “Random Deals” and play over and over again, trying to do better with each attempt. I guess that is the path my youngest has chosen to follow.
I really don’t know why I keep playing solitaire night after night. Maybe it’s because my dad taught me the game, maybe it’s because I used to play with John the Pilot, it was our thing. Or, maybe it’s because I need to keep trying, I need to keep believing that I can do better. I need to believe that there is something more I’m supposed to be doing and if I just keep trying, the “Random Deals” will get me there.
When we found out that my son had earned a graduating grade, I didn’t shout it from the roof tops, not right away. I was a little afraid that it wasn’t true, but it was also something I wanted to keep to myself, just for a moment, to own it, cherish it and sink deep into its truth. He may have earned the grades, but I helped him get there, by supporting him in a variety of ways. I always dreamed he would be a “Multiplayer” kind of guy and I knew in my heart that he has always been a “Winning Deal” kid. However, I guess he had to learn to navigate the “Random Deals” we were dealt in this lifetime. I sincerely believe that all we have faced, alone and together has shaped us into the people we are. Our responses to our situations have defined us. The ten-year plan was for a reason yet to be revealed, but I know in my heart it will be a “Winning Deal”.
Another name for the solitaire card game is patience…
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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