Ghosts

Whether you believe in them or not, I believe we are all haunted by ghosts.  I’m not talking about white sheet, Scooby Doo kinds of ghosts.  I’m not even talking about Resurrection Mary or things that go bump in the middle of the night types of ghosts.  What I am referring to as ghosts, are memories, memories that haunt me, memories that can stop me dead in my tracks and bring about gut-wrenching pain and sorrow.  Then again, there are memories that comfort me, whether they were real or not.  The memories of what I thought I had, as I squeeze my pillow tight in the middle of the night, can help me fall asleep, believing that I am not alone, even though, I am.

I think it’s safe to say that we have all experienced these types of ghosts.  Anyone one who has lost a parent or loved one, anyone who has ended a relationship that they thought would last forever, understands the type of haunting pain and confusion some memories of what was, can bring about in a heartbeat.  For example, my dad loved chocolate, to be exact, he loved Hershey’s chocolate bars.  I made certain to keep his supply at the ready next to his recliner.  The smile he had, as I would replenish his stash, was priceless.  Most times, I would bring home the jumbo bars that I would find conveniently located, stacked at the register of one of my favorite little grocery stores.  They were only a dollar a bar, such a deal!  So, it was easy to keep dad happy for a few bucks a week.  I’ll never forget the first time I went to that little grocery store after my dad had passed away.  When my eyes caught that stack of Hershey’s bars, I lost it, right there and then.  Over five years later, those Hershey bars still bring about ghosts, but they are less painful.  Usually, I just smile as I nod my head, and for a moment, he is there.

I loved John the Pilot with all of my heart.  I honestly thought he was “the one”, the one man who “got me” and knew how to make me smile.  Almost three years later, it still hurts when I think about the loss of the future, I thought I would have with him.  Then, I remember the pain he caused me with all of his lies, how he never apologized for anything, ever and how he just left without a fight.  If I’m honest with myself, he was glad that the other woman had found me and spilled the beans.  He wanted out, but didn’t have the balls to leave…just like my ex-husband.  Instead of leaving me, they both had made my life so miserable that I was the one who ended it.  I guess I have my type.  Still, memories of burrowing my face into his hairy chest at night (both of them, actually), what I referred to as my “nook”, as I squeeze my pillow, tear streaked cheeks moisten its case, as I think of a time that he was mine and I honestly thought, that all was right in my world, as long as he was at my side. 

These same ghosts haunt me when I dare to dream of a time when I might be able to allow someone new into my life.  I remember the lies, so many lies that I chose to live with in the name of not being alone.  Not just my exes, my dad too, lies, lies, lies.  How was I so blind?  I guess it was my desperation to end my loneliness.  To have someone in my life that would protect me, guide me and fill the deep, dark void that dwells within me.  I’m not certain if it has always been there, but it definitely came into existence when my mother passed.  There’s a hole in me that can never be filled.  I thought that having children would fill it, but it’s just too deep.  I thought if I had someone to call my own, but they were never really mine to keep.  They were never real, they were never true, they were never like what I like to believe my folks had and so few others do.

I worry that my ghosts will be detrimental to my well being as I age.  Dementia runs on both sides of my family tree.  I have experienced my dad not knowing my name.  I have watched my aunt talk to people who were not there and suddenly remember that they have passed.  I have even seen my across-the-street neighbor lose her way on the block where she has lived for the past fifty plus years.  Fortunately, she found her way to me.  As we sat there waiting for her family to come for her, I told her that we all get a little confused sometimes, we all get a little lost.  When her husband of sixty-some years, came to retrieve her, she still seemed uncertain about who he was.  Then, I witnessed the most amazing thing, a love so deep, so true, brought her back to the present.  He said, “It’s me, your husband Bob.” and kissed her three times.  Her eyes opened wide and, in that moment, her ghosts brought her back, back to where she knew she was safe and loved.  He was her guiding light and she was no longer alone.  Sadly, he passed just a few days ago.  How grateful I am to have witnessed “true love” before he did. 

“My name is Gail and I’m a garden solar light-a-holic.”   My son says I have a problem, but they make me smile.  I love sitting in my backyard as the sun goes down, waiting for the lightshow to begin.  To me, they are like fireworks, as each one lights up, I ooo and ahhhh.  Along with the lightening bugs, I think they give me, not only a sense of entertainment, but of comfort.  Last night I realized that maybe I think of them as my guiding lights, giving me hope and making me feel a little less lost.  I always imagine that the butterflies are my mom saying hello and dragonflies are my dad checking in.  Maybe the lightening bugs are all those other kind souls that have passed that want to comfort me, as I sit in the darkness, lost and alone.  It’s nice to think that there is someone out there who is looking out for me, making sure that I’m not too mean to myself and that I’m never truly alone and maybe I’m not as lost as I think I am.

#thelieswechoosetolivewith