adjective
- having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense.
When my children were young, I didn’t allow the word stupid to be used in our home. I sincerely believe that we reap what we sow and if one is to refer to a child as stupid, they will believe it to be true, think less of themselves and therefore, be less likely to achieve their potential. I prefer the word silly, “That was a silly thing to do.” That is what I chose to say and then do my best to rectify the situation without blame or further belittling. However, when it comes to talking to myself, I find that I use the word quite often.
I know that my mother thought less of herself for not finishing high school. I also know that she read a lot of magazines and newspapers in hopes of educating herself. She would use my school phonics and penmanship workbooks to try and spell and write better. She was born lefthanded and back in the day, that meant that one was possessed by the devil, so she was forced to learn how to write righthanded. Her handwriting was horrible, but that didn’t stop her from writing notes all over the articles she would cut out, not only for herself, but for others as well. One high school friend of mine was very appreciative of my mother’s notes. She felt special when my mom would hand her a pile of clippings, she had saved just for her. The gesture made her feel seen and cared for. This friend is highly intelligent and this simple gesture by a simple woman, in my humble opinion trumped her academia.
I’m not book smart, I’m not worldly, but I have a good amount of common sense. I know quite a few folks that I consider much more intelligent than I, that time and time again, seem to lack common sense. I know that none of them would ever say to my face that they are superior to me due to their education, but I know those thoughts cross their minds. The truth is, I know my place and it’s not walking across a stage wearing a cap and gown. I’m better at managing a household, a family, a kitchen or a grocery store. You know, the basics for survival, that’s what I’m good at, but it doesn’t pay very well. Therefore, hitherto I feel stupid because I didn’t get a higher education so I may provide a better life for myself and my family. Thankfully, I no longer live paycheck to paycheck, I have improved my situation, but that could change in a heartbeat. That idea alone scares me and being scared makes me feel stupid and the vicious circle goes round and round my grey matter until the tears begin to flow.
I feel so stupid, I always have and there is a large populace that find that attractive about me. The men I tend to fall for are highly intelligent and possess a superiority complex. My ex-husband was a “Anything you can do; I can do better.” kind of guy. I had years of training with photography and cooking, but of course, he was better at those skills than I, right? I would try to brush off the derogatory comments, knowing full well that his skills were not better than mine, but then again, self-doubt, which leads to depression, which leads to dependency is scary and I would shut down and admit defeat. He wasn’t the only man, by any means, to do this to me. However, the one man who never made me feel stupid was John the Pilot. He never said a derogatory thing to me, but what I didn’t realize was that he wasn’t smarter than me, he was just playing the part of a highly educated pilot who made six figures. The reality was, I had more education and I was his sugar mama, but when I had that awakening, boy oh boy did I feel stupid.
The past few weeks have been very challenging for me. A computer upgrade at work left me in tears, an argument with my son about natural medicine left me feeling beyond belittled and the reality of my financial situation left me feeling hopeless about my security, how can I be so stupid about so many things? Then, I made a huge mistake and started to watch a movie called, Good on Paper. It was recommended to me by a well-meaning friend. She thought that it would show me that I am not alone when it comes to being lied to by a man. About half way though the movie, I felt sick to my stomach. I was having trouble breathing and I realized that I was spiraling down the rabbit hole and having an anxiety attack. I called my well-meaning friend and told her that I couldn’t watch the rest of it and that she would have to tell me how it ends. While I waited for her response, I cried and cried, trembling with fear and anger about my stupidity. The depths of my denial allowed me to be conned for nine years. The lies I chose to live with were a roller coaster ride, the highest highs were worth dealing with the lowest lows, or at least that is what I told myself.
My friend called me to let me know that in the end of the story, she actually tied the lying man to a chair and hit him repeatedly as she asked him why he had done what he did to her. That thought made me giggle, I myself had wanted to do something like that, but no one is worth going to jail for. Instead, I have had to settle for never knowing the whys because I know that anything that would come out of his mouth would just be another lie. Even if it was the god’s honest truth, I would never believe a word he said, ever again. I had plans of how I could “out” him to his family and co-workers, but as my lawyer said, “To what end?” He would tell those people more lies about me and make himself look like the victim, so instead, I walked away. I walked away feeling stupid for allowing myself to take the “blue pill” time and time again just so I wouldn’t be alone. I paid the price for the depths of my stupidity and now, I feel I am broken beyond repair.
I don’t recall what had happened that day, but recently, while driving home from work, as I slowed down to stop at a red light, I felt like I was moving forward and everyone else was moving in reverse. It was a split second, but I honestly felt like I had somehow altered the space-time continuum. How could someone, with so little education, who’s made so many repeated mistakes, have the power to do such a thing? In that moment, I forgave myself, just a little bit and told myself that I was just being silly. As a single tear ran down my cheek, I was able to move forward, to give myself hope that my story may still have a happy ending. If I can practice what I preach and stop calling myself stupid, then do my best to rectify the situation without blame or further belittling, there’s hope. There’s always hope.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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