I finally experienced a week with two days off…in a row! Of course, I had to work an open to close to be able to do so, but it was worth it. I spent the morning of the first day running errands which included stopping at my former place of employment for a few items. While there, I had the pleasure of speaking with some former teammates. It’s always a pleasure to reconnect with them, it makes me feel like I was a part of something true and they tell me that I remind them of the good old days, when it a better place to work. The hugs and smiles always fuel me to keep going, no matter how much I feel like I’m living in a hamster wheel, I know I have meant something, to someone, someplace in time and moments like these help me to remember that.
I drove up to Wisconsin to visit my brother. I was only there 24 hours, but it was action packed. I enjoyed meeting some friends of his over cocktails and a cheese tray. Of course, I had dirty martinis, but had to settle for garlic stuffed olives, they were a nice change of pace. After the friends left, I indulged in more cocktails while sitting in my brother’s hot tub. It really is a different world up there. His property has a large backyard and you can see the neighbor’s homes, but there aren’t many folks there. Most of these homes are where the well-to-do vacation and since summer is over, so are much of the parties. It was very peaceful to continue imbibing while sitting under the stars submerged in warm water. Sort of like being a martini drinking fetus, if you will.
The next day, we went on a hike. It wasn’t easy, but I made the 2.8-mile walk. I was sweating so much, my brother thought that I had peed myself, but no. So, we had to head home so I could shower before our next adventure. While heading to an apple orchard, we spied a small vintage car show. We arrived with just enough time to take in the works of art before many of them left for the day. At the apple orchard, I filled my ½ peck bag with a delicious variety of apples to try. Then, I packed my car and headed home. I love my brother, I really do, but 24 hours is a good amount of time to spend together before it becomes uncomfortable, for both of us.
While driving home, like the ride there, I took in the splendor of the few trees that were donning their autumn flair. The small towns, the farms and their livestock are always an awe-inspiring sight. I’ve been making this trek for 28 years, yet there is always something new to see. I take a different route these days, since the original path has been built up with shopping plazas galore. I mean, yes, it’s nice to know that if I need something along the way I can pick it up easily, but that rarely happens and I miss the small town feel this route used to have. There are still a few old-time restaurants that remain intact, but for the most part, the route has become congested with the usual suspects of modern-day convenient stores. Therefore, I found a different path that is more pleasing to my senses.
While heading home, I tend to become sad. Not so much for leaving my brother and his way of life behind, but for recalling the many times I have made this trip. It began when my youngest child was only 1 year old. I was married then, already unhappily, but even though he was an asshole, he was my asshole and I was proud to arrive as a family of four. Over the years, I became a family of three making the trek, mostly with my father as well, but sometimes not. Then, it became just dad and I until John the Pilot hit the scene. He joined us on a few trips, as well as my friend Karen, but these days, it’s just me. I drive out there alone…alone.
I’m not scared by any stretch of the imagination, especially since I have the modern-day convenience of a GPS. I used to have to remember to “Turn at the white church.” which I always found amusing. I suppose they do come in other colors, but… I think what “gets” me are the memories of the journey. Year after year, though there were some years we didn’t go, the trip has been like a time capsule of sorts; married, divorced, childless, fatherless, alone. The trip home is the hardest, like reentering the atmosphere during time travel. This time, once I was well on my way, after enjoying the scenery of the farms and small towns and on the tollway, I called my eldest to keep me company. We shared a very interesting conversation and let’s just say, I may hope to have enlightened him.
In a nutshell, my child is angry and rightfully so. However, it serves him no purpose and I shared my thoughts with him on the subject. I too, was once very angry at his father. I was told to pray for him and his mistress and I would no longer be angry. It seemed unfair to do so. Why did he deserve god’s help? I did it, nonetheless and I dare say, it set me free. I have advised my child to do the same. Of course, I cannot force him to do so, but I sincerely hope that my words will hold some weight with him and he will find his way. I hope he finds a way to stop giving his father so much power over himself. I did, I also found a way to stop giving my mother, my father and John the pilot power over me as well as my child. The serenity prayer saves me time and time again and not giving others power over myself is truly a blessing to behold.
I wasn’t going to write tonight, I didn’t think I had anything to say or maybe I wasn’t ready, but behold the power of wine and solar lights. I love the solar lights in my backyard, they are my guiding lights, a runway if you will, to salvation. The wine, it helps me see them and gives me the courage to follow them. I took a moment there to “save” my work, just in case the world decides to try and steal my thoughts from me with a power surge or whatever. “Save” my work which has “saved” me. Yes, my love, I’m moistening my eyes right now. I really hope you heard what I had to say yesterday. He doesn’t deserve your power, don’t give it to him, he’s not worthy. He gave me two precious gifts, my angels, but he is not worthy of your anger. He never was and never will be. It doesn’t happen overnight, but if you listen to your mother…wine and solar lights my love, wine and solar lights and writing have been my salvation.
May you find yours in preparing masaman curry with the ingredients I am sending your way. Cooking is another path to salvation. Always has been and always will be. Bon Appetit!
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