This past Christmas, I received a novel gift, a novel journal to be exact. I didn’t understand it at first, but when I did, “Crazy.” On the cover it states, “I am no bird; and no net ensnares me – Charlotte Bronte”. I read that and thought, “Really.” It has a purple cover and the pages have lime green edges, “Nice.” It had a paper band stating, “Write between the lines of your favorite authors!” I raised my right eyebrow, my attitude brow and tossed the paper band aside. Upon opening the journal for inspection, I noticed that the lines to write on weren’t solid, so I went back to the paper band. “Jane Eyre -P.S. The journal lines are the novel (in teeny, tiny text)!” What!? That’s right, the lines to write on are teeny tiny words, ones I will never be able to read, the actual novel Jane Eyre. I do most of my writing on the computer, but it’s nice to have some fancy paper around to jot down thoughts, ideas, or lists that pop into my head.
I don’t know how we got onto the subject, but while at my chiropractor today, I said out loud what I hoped people would say about me, now and after I transition, which led me to think about my dad. The anniversary date of my dad’s transition is just around the corner. It’s hard to believe that six years have passed. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and my mother for that matter. It’s been 36 years since she transitioned. Like my mother, we didn’t have a service for my dad. Instead, I wrote and posted a eulogy for him along with a collection of photos that represented the life he led from his days at Notre Dame, to his travels, and with his family. I believe what I wrote, began something like this, “He wasn’t a saint, but he was a good man.” In a nutshell, that really did summarize my dad. I know it could be used for millions of men throughout the ages, but no, if I had to summarize my dad in one sentence, that would it.
I didn’t have the opportunity to do something like that for my mom, social media didn’t exist back then. However, I think if I had to sum up my mother in one sentence it would be, “A hard working woman, no one understood.” My mom worked so hard at keeping this house intact. She was the one who did the yardwork, painting walls, washing ten-foot-long metal Venetian blinds, that I swear she took down to the basement to wash and brought them back up to hang, all by herself. Five foot four, never underestimate the strength of a stubborn Polish woman. She was goofy, suffered from depression, but she was kind, honest and generous to a fault. Maybe that should be the one sentence to describe my mom? Actually, I don’t think it’s possible to describe, what I remember of her, in one sentence, and that’s okay.
A couple of days ago, I received a text message from my current mentor stating how grateful he was to have my friendship. Reading those words was like striking a tuning fork. From that moment on, I had this sense of peacefulness that allowed me to be more kind in my words and actions. I’ve been calmer in handling the stresses at work, more patient with customers and less angry at all the challenges. I’ve been friendlier and more complimentary to my team and peers. Never underestimate the power of words, they can be crippling or uplifting, choose your words carefully. My young friend and past mentor would agree. She taught me about the laws of attraction and being excited. I felt a need to call her and thank her because I was aware of my level of peacefulness and positivity and its effects because of her teachings. The call went to voicemail, I prefaced my message by stating that I was crying because I was happy. I told her how much I love her and for teaching me about vibrations and vortexes and all those sorts of wonderful things. As I pulled up to the redlight, I told her about how peaceful I’ve been, how more kind I have been and then I looked up.
I was near a small wooded area, but much more urban than not. It’s happened before, but today, when a deer crossed my path, my heart soared. Maybe it was mom, maybe it was my recently transitioned friend, but someone sent that deer, just when I needed to see it the most. When I got home, I could hear something scurry through my backyard. I looked up, and instead of me cursing at the squirrels, like I usually do, I wondered if that was dad, just trying to get a rise out me. While at home, I found myself thinking, if today were the day I too should pass, I’d be okay with it. Such a sense of peace flowed through all my chores today, and it was good.
I saw a bit of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s writing today, a few lines from The Beautiful and Damned. I’ve read these lines before, but today, they really resonated with me. “She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even if she was sad. No, she wasn’t beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul.” Any one of those sentences would be a great one sentence sum up. Then I had a thought, those would be wonderful words to use as lines to write upon in a journal, a novel journal. Those would be such beautiful words to write upon the one sentence I would like used to sum me up, the words I hope people would say about me, the words I spoke out loud at my chiropractor’s office today.
“She was fucking crazy, but she was really nice and made great cheesecake.”
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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