Dabrekishkahit!

I had a dream.  I was preparing food for a family style wedding reception.  All sorts of young men were flirting with me, carrying me around and touching me.  My niece was there, young with curly hair.  She said she was trying to avoid people and the drama.  I walked up to a table, placed to seat 10 people, but only one person was sitting there.  It was Cloris Leachman, I don’t like Cloris Leachman because if memory serves me, a long time ago, she said that fat people pollute the world, I do not pollute the world.  There was a band playing and I could hear the intro to a song, it’s a song I adore, the perfect wedding song, “What are You Doing the Rest of Your Life.”  I started to cry, until the woman in the band began to sing, and she was horribly off key.  Cloris and I looked at each other and began to laugh.  Then, all these other older show biz women came out and started to sing.  They were singing the song in an upbeat tempo and dressed like Las Vegas showgirls.  The lead, the star singer was Phyllis Diller!  I’m like, “You go girl!  You’re awesome Phyllis!” and then I woke up.  What the hell is that suppose to mean? 

I brought up the dream during therapy this week and along with some other topics, led me to come up with a theory.  Anyone who knows me in person, knows that I like to use a word I made up.  It sort of sounds like Polish, but I tell people that it’s “Gailish”, a language I have made up, it sounds impressive, but it means absolutely nothing and everything, at the same time.  “Dabrekishkahti”, depending on how I say it can be a greeting, a question, an accusation, a declaration of love or basically, anything I’m feeling at the moment.  My therapist asked me when I came up with the word and quite honestly, I don’t recall, but it’s been over a decade, maybe two. 

Talking about my made-up word, led to a discussion about how I have taken numerous dance classes, but I can’t seem to learn the steps.  I would attend classes, but usually, I would stand in back and after my feeble attempts, would just start making up my own moves.  I figured, I was still participating, I was still exercising, right?  Maybe it’s a lack of will or that I simply dance to the beat of a different drummer, but I tried not to let it bother me and did my best not to be sad or disappointed in myself, although the instructors were.

While falling asleep the other night, I made a note to myself so I wouldn’t forget.  I wrote, “I can’t seem to follow the dance steps, so I make up my own.  I can’t learn a new language, so I make up my own.  I don’t get along with the real world, so I make up my own.”  That about nutshells my life.  As the story goes, my mom bought me cats when I was little so I would look less crazy talking to myself.  Apparently, I did it a lot and I think my employees would agree, I tend to talk to myself in the office too, “What were you doing?  Oh, yeah.”  So, I guess I do answer myself, which many would think is an issue, but I don’t.  I’m a very interesting person to speak to, so…

Maybe my dream was trying to tell me that it’s okay that I don’t have someone to sing that incredibly romantic song to.  I listened to it right before I began writing today and I think for the first time, it didn’t make me cry.  It’s okay that I don’t have someone to sing it to or better yet, it’s okay to sing it to myself.  I always hope to find the love of my life, and I do believe that my children are the loves of my life, but maybe more importantly, I’m the love of my life? 

In my dream, I managed to have encounters with all these men, men who appeared to want me, but were very willing to pass me along to the next one, and even though they didn’t stay with me, I wasn’t hurt by them, not really.  Like my niece in the dream, I felt like I was avoiding people, avoiding the drama of it all and I was content to go sit at a table by myself, but there was already someone sitting there, someone that gave me pause.  However, when we found something in common, I found the courage to laugh with her and I didn’t feel like she was laughing at me.  Instead of being sad in hearing the song, it became a Vegas show with one of the strongest female comedians to ever grace this world.  Phyllis Diller was loud and larger than life and it takes a lot of strength to be self-deprecating and make a living, a good living at doing so. 

Dabrekishkahti.  I think today it will mean, it’s okay to be a loner, to be at peace with who I am and what I see when I look in the mirror.  It’s okay to not be able to follow everyone else’s dance steps and move however I choose to move.  It’s okay that I can’t manage to learn another language or to get along with the world most folks do.  It’s okay to make up my own world, my own language, my own dance steps and to be my own love of my life, and if you don’t agree with me, dabrekishkahti!!!

#thelieswechoosetolivewith