Today, my youngest purchased a newer car, begins a new job on Monday that will pay enough to support himself and he broke up with a girlfriend, but is looking forward to meeting someone new. My eldest, left the nest nine years ago and never looked back. I think my job is done here.
Not to be morose, but if something were to happen to me tomorrow, they would be fine. I sincerely hope there would be a tear shed, but they would be fine. My final wishes are for them to play my favorite song, The Girl from Ipanema, to serve my signature cheesecake that I have taught them both how to make, and spread some of my ashes someplace wonderful, preferably near the Pacific Ocean or a lake, but to keep some to spread or display wherever it is they will call home.
I’m not looking forward to leaving this physical realm, but when I do, I feel like I have accomplished what I had set forth to do. I knew going in, that it was not going to be a wonderful marriage, but I wanted children more than I can express in mere words. He had promised me children, so I blindly jumped at the opportunity to have what I wanted most in the world, a family of my own.
As the story goes, I ended up being a single mother, but I have no regrets. I truly believe that being a single parent made our bonds stronger. I used to tell them if we weren’t nice to each other, who would be? So, we did our best to be nice to each other, to be strong for each other and to love each other, unconditionally.
I had hopes of finding them a new dad, but I was not one to go out looking and no one came knocking at our door, so we borrowed male role models from time to time. I really wished for more of a conventional family situation for them, but… It is what it is and I think we did okay, even if I do say so myself.
I racked up debt trying to keep up with the Jones, but I didn’t want my kids to feel less than, because they didn’t have a dad. I tried to make certain that they had what they needed and a little bit more. They didn’t need Pokémon cards, but having them helped them to fit in. Beanie Babies and Power Rangers were there to help fill in the holes of our lives, but I now know, that was a feeble attempt at best.
They dealt with their teenaged angst, like all kids do, the battles of navigating puberty into adulthood, while their mother dealt with her own “coming of age” battles in her forties since I never dated anyone besides their father before I wed. Yeah, it was difficult for all involved, but we’re all still here.
The internet entering our household made things interesting, to say the least. Yes, I have scarred my youngest when mommy couldn’t figure out how to remove a provocative photo of herself from her desktop page and had to reluctantly ask for his assistance. Then again, I have seen “interesting” images on his desktop page as well, so whose to say, who scarred whom.
I didn’t want my kids to have sexual hang ups like I did, so we had a very open and honest household. I told them to ask me whatever they wanted and I would do my best to answer. Truth be told, I think they taught me more than I taught them. I was very pleased when my youngest and I had a conversation about this topic and he informed me that he believed that he doesn’t have any sexual hang ups, mission complete.
I still have a lot to accomplish in this lifetime, but I think that I’ve done well with my limited means and knowledge. Babies don’t come with instruction manuals. No matter how many self-help books one reads, mistakes will be made, lessons will hopefully be learned and we keep marching forward, tattered and torn, but better for it. We are all still nursing our wounds, my eldest more so than not, but I try to spread the gospel by telling my kids, as well as myself, that we need to stop giving their sperm donor our power, he never deserved it and never will. Just like John the Pilot, he served his purpose in my life and now it’s over, long over, for all of us.
It’s difficult to let go, to mourn the life we thought we should have had, but if we don’t, we cannot cherish the life that we do have. I’m so very proud of both of my children. I don’t necessarily agree with some of the choices they have made, but I am glad that they are strong enough to make choices of their own and I will take credit for that. They are becoming the people they want to be, the people they should be. that takes strength and courage and that is because of me.
I look at their accomplishments and boastfully state, “I did that!” They are my masterpieces and I am proud to say to myself, job well done.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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