Over the past nine days, I feel like I have been being tested, teased and tormented, the later, mostly by myself. Most everyone now knows that I need to have my pacemaker batteries changed, but the description of the procedure has changed somewhat. It’s gone from easy, peasy to “Do you have a living will?”, which I do, but now I’m believing that the pain I may experience after the procedure may be the least of my concerns.
There have been so many twists and turns with the plot of this storyline that even I have a difficult time keeping up with them, so I won’t bore you with the details. I’ll just say, I’ve gone from feeling that this is a mere inconvenience of my work schedule to, “Yes, my affairs are in order.” Hopefully, I’m being more dramatic than necessary (I know, shock, horror, surprise!), but all the layers of complications and challenges have truly been a test for my anxiety and trust.
Layer upon layer of self-doubting situations have been thrusted upon me pertaining to my physical health and employment, but the cherry on top has been issues with the ancient electrical wiring in my home. I’ve been aware for quite sometime that this ninety-something year old house is in need of some updates, but this past week has made me more enlightened, indeed. Isn’t it interesting that while I’m in need of an electric update, my home is as well?
As you know, my trust issues run deep, so for me to not only allow someone that I do not know into my home, coupled with paying them money I’m fearful to part with, to do work that if not done properly could put me in harms way, has been a bit overwhelming. Now, just for fun, let’s add in the pre-op phone call from the heart doctor’s office, doubts about having another test for a different health issue that I do not feel is necessary, the uncertainty of some of my team member’s longevity with the company all the while, waiting for test results of something I feel is completely unnecessary, but being forced upon me, well… I feel battle weary.
I know I am not sharing many details and I apologize for any confusion, but I’m being vague for a number of reasons, self-preservation being number one. I do not feel safe, I’m not comfortable and in fact, I am fearful these days. However, I do have someone I can share the details with, someone that left a package on my front porch with a note. Simply put, it told me to remember that only I have control over myself and that I can always tell everyone else to “Fuck off”. Honestly, I prefer to tell folks to go fuck themselves, rolls off the tongue more easily for me, but the meaning is generally the same.
Wallowing in fear and worry is familiar territory for me. My lack of trust in my own judgement comes from a long history of being lied to by people I loved dearly. I have been praying for confidence in my decisions as I run through the maze of misconceptions and possible trickery. I find myself, raising my eyes to the sky asking, “Is this a test? Having fun?” All the while, consumed with the idea that my wiring is shot and in need of repair. Not only in my heart and home, but in my brain as well. My gray matter is tired, so very, very tired. However, I don’t believe it is my time to lay down and rest for all of eternity, not yet, not now.
Tomorrow evening, I will shower with the special antibacterial soap they gave me and I will lather, rinse and repeat in the morning. I will not eat or drink anything after midnight and I will wave farewell to the electrician who is rewiring my entire home, as I am driven to my appointment. Upon my return, I will be impressed with the progress he has made in my absence, but more importantly, I will be impressed with myself for having survived yet another one of life’s challenges. Simply put, it’s who I am, it’s how I’m wired, dropping the ball is not an option. And then, I’ll take a nap, 20 minutes or so and then back to work. Wired, till the bitter end.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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